Quote: What I really need, and I thought of this after I last posted, is a gentle but effective Mantra to say to him when he starts bolting at the first sight of intimate communication. I will have to keep thinking on that one.
Have you ever thought about just telling him what kind of response you are looking for from him before you begin?
I went to this management workshop once, and for some reason, your mantra question made me think of it.
In the workshop, the workshop leader said a lot of times, management creates moral problems with their employees because when an employee comes to them with an issue, their typical first response is to 'fix' the problem. Why else would the employee be coming to them, afterall? What in many cases happens, however, is that the employee leaves the office feeling powerless and worse than when they went into speak with their boss... because the boss just 'took' the problem, dismissed the employee, and moved on with thier day.... not realizing they had just made the 'problem' worse.
The employee was looking for help, or encouragement, or validation, or empahty... and the manager missed it... simply because s/he was UNCLEAR of what the employee needed from them at the time of communication. The employee coming to the manager may not even know what they needed... but it all went south because neither stated up front what they needed or wanted from the convo.
So... she suggested for managers (because employees will rarely think of it... not their job, anyway)... that before the beginning of any conversation, to ask the person first... 'do you just need me to listen, or do you want me to tell you what I think should be done?' By doing so, it makes the person define the objective of the convo, so it keeps them on track, and it makes the person with the problem clarify for themselves what is they need in order to regain their sense of power. She also suggessted putting a time limit on the conversation in order to keep the employee focused on the issue, and not bring in every little problem under the sun.
I don't think Mr. H is going to do this for you... but you can certainly do it for him... you can say..."Mr. H, I need you to listen to me for 15 minutes. I don't want you to fix me, I don't want you to make me feel better, I just need you to listen. I might fall apart during the conversation, I might not, but at the end of it, I will want a hug."
Or... "Mr. H... I'm having a problem. Maybe. Can I tell you about it so you can tell me what you think?"
Sounds rather 'what's the point-ish.' But over a period of time... you won't have to do it. All you'll have to do is say... I need you to listen, or I need your opinion... and given the type of guy he is... if he knows up front what it is you want/need from him, I think he will try to give it to you.
I think many times guys run from intimate convos because they are unclear of what they are supposed to do... and when they don't know the objective up front... they try to fix... 'cuz that's what guys do.
So. If you state up front what you need... I need you to LISTEN... and give it a time frame... for 15 minutes... and then you explain the indicator of when it is done... and then I will need a nice big hug from you... he'll learn how to listen or fix.
Just really sucks to have to be so explicit.... he should just KNOW how to do this... but. We now understand very well that that's just not the way it works in the real world, don't we?
