IHJ:

Quote:

Unfortunately I came from a family where there was a lot of overt hostility expressed: my parents are constantly berating one another and putting each other down. Part of me feels like this is normal behavior, that they're being genuine with each other. I sometimes feel fake when I am being nice. Yet, if I want a respectful, loving relationship maybe at times I need to act the part a bit...try a little harder. If I use my parents as role models..well, they are close and committed to each other but I never saw real intimacy between them. This competitive thing women have with men comes from years of being repressed and wanting equality...our generation really went overboard righting the wrongs, to the detriment of our sensuality.



I, at first, felt 'fake' being... 'nice.' I'll tell you, that woman I met this past week, The Blonde, tested me like nothing has tested me so far. She was so 'in my face,' in a nicy-nice, cutsey, charming way, I could have vomited. And I was trembling from head to foot from the effort it took me NOT to bury my pointy witch shoes in the deepest nether regions of her cute perky butt.

Did I feel fake sitting there, being 'nice?' No. What I would have, at one point considered feeling fake was actually the battle I was having with myself NOT to compete with her. To not allow her to goad me. And BELIEVE ME, I could have made MINCE MEAT of her. All with a lovely charming smile of my own plastered all over my face.

But that type of response, to me, makes a woman ugly. I was dealing with a girl and I knew it. I let my empathy and compassion for her quell my own desire to squash her... for I have been in her shoes.

I understand the family in which you were raised, and I believe you have been taught to compete. We all have. Some of us gals get REALLY good at it. You have already seen for yourself the response you get from your H when you create a warm and sweet environment... keep doing it, and even try to do it at times when you just don't FEEL like it. To me... the response you get in the long run pays off dividends far bigger than the personal satisfaction you may get in the short run by giving into the impulse to compete (even though it may feel REALLY, REALLY good at the moment.)

Man, there isn't anything I would love more than to sit for a weekend with the gals here on the board, just talking with each other. And what we have all learned here, collectively, would make the most amazing book.

It's funny, I've talked with younger women, or even women who are just now starting the process we all have been exploring for years on this board... and sometimes I am at a complete loss in trying to convey to them what we've been able to learn from one another here. But they sense it in me, as I am sure other women sense the same thing in all of you.

I talked with another woman this week who was telling me about some issues with a man she was dating, giving me examples... and it really boiled down to example after example of her competing with him.... then they would fight... he'd get over it, she'd hang onto it... the process would then feed the next round of bickering... and she could not, for the life of her, understand WHY this continued to happen.

I told her to stop competing with him, and I tried to explain to her what I meant by that... and my god, you would have thought I had grown horns out of my head. Maybe it's just an understanding you have to grow into, I don't know....

But in your case... fight the habitual behavior you have learned... and do it little by little. Trying to do it all at once, all the time, will defeat you. Just stay aware of how it works for you... and what will begin to happen is that you will give up your habitual impluse to send a zinger, even in a joking way, because you like this new you far more than you ever thought you would... it's more natural, more pleasant.... even if it doesn't feel that way at first.

Jesus, I cannot even believe this stuff is coming out of MY mouth...

Corri