I don't know about these statements you've made here. Just talking outloud, really...
ditto. none of my comments is a reflection on your marriages viability, your H or you. it was just a comment on the catalyst. the final straw.
There are times when the man just has to get over himself and emote feeling with his W, and being 'a man'(and saying you just aren't wired like a woman) isn't a flipping excuse. It's not a matter of being a man or a woman. It's a matter of human empathy and compassion, and basic respect for your fellow being... it goes beyond wife and husband.
empathy and compassion are easy when you are not enmeshed in the situation. everyone here does it. we all fail at it here in this place too... but when it happens as a result of crashing insecurities.... then its simply self absorbed reactions and is because of H and W. its directly because of, not beyond it at all. OP providing comfort on the other hand are. we are wired differant. Its not an excuse its reality.
using UD example, where the source of pain was obviously and understandably affecting them both, lets say her H understands on some level, that being needy, whiney, crying, or looking for his W to soothe his insecurity is not an option. So he internalizes and does as best he can to soothe himself. Its a full time job doing that, and now she is doing what he will not allow himself to do, and expecting him to soothe her. He is overloaded allready, but handling it (trying) on his own. <internal voice> Im handling my crap. <external voice> handle your issues. quit crying. thats not going to solve anything.
In men that are not prone to placating and supplicating, I find that this sort of indifferant/differentiated/selfish/unsupportive comments are common. attractors become detractors. They are remembered FOREVER, by the woman. They cause her pain. Do you know that I have no recollection of the things I said to x when I berated her on her bday? I know it was unacceptable, but as for specifics.... The first straw breaker instance I can recollect with effort, because it was deliberate. On her bday it was just emotional spew.
by contrast the supplicating and placating cause a general ick factor and change love from desire to the same sort of love you feel for a puppy. Untill it pees on your turkish rug. and you yell at it --and it pees again. Whos fault is it? the yeller or the pee'er?
I believe UD, when she says her H was comtemptuous. I know that my cold indifferance to x's seeking of validation and my answering her with a truthful but unfeeling remark crushed her. I knew it right after I did it. and she pleaded for validation again. I was so angry I would not give her what she wanted. so I used truth.
Your H was so alpha I feel like the taco bell chihauha in comparison. Yo quiero taco bell. LOL. sheesh what a mental image. I have no doubt his indifferance was frequent and hurtfull amongst other things.
My point was, these instances are going to occur. There is no avoiding them. Ive thought long and hard about it, and the aspects that make a man attractive initially are the same ones that will instigate this sort of thing.
There are times when the man just has to get over himself and emote feeling with his W, and being 'a man'
What if he busy dealing with his issues and doesnt have the resources for her problems too? Effectively what you are saying is ... I need you- get over yourself- and be here for me. I understand.
Put another way, as long as the man isnt insecure, your insecurites will never crash into his. Ok. gotcha. Problem solved.
