I know she makes some salient points. The big one about me allowing my guy to be the guy really resonated with me. There were a few things I just couldn't stomach doing... like donning slutty furry bedroom slippers and lying on the bed in an inviting position and begging him to ML to me. First of all, the image made me laugh. With my luck, my D12 would walk in the bedroom instead, take one look at all that fur and get completely grossed out. I'd NEVER hear the end of it. But my next image was the visual of Mr. Wonderful walking in to find me sprawled on the bed and saying quizzically, "Huh? Did I miss something? Didn't I tell you that I was heading over to Pep Boys with Jim? We're rebuilding his boat engine today! Why are you dressed like that? I like you better in jeans and tennis shoes?"
Then was the part where I had to "play dumb" all of the time... just to let my man have all the answers. Do you know how upset that made me?
HOWEVER... and I mean however in a big way... she made her point. I don't think I ever let Mr. Wonderful have any answer. I don't think I ever deferred to him on any big decision just because. I don't think I ever played into the concept of there being natural world order in masculine and feminine roles. Hell, I still struggle with it.
And once I finished crying after I read the book, I began to realize how lopsided our marriage truly had been. I also realized that even though it appeared as though I had all the control, the truth is that he never, ever took control. He ran away at the first sign of conflict and left me standing there and holding the bag. Then he blamed me for stealing it.
She now offers advice to both genders? Well, that's good. When I read the book, she only had books out there for women. The only rebuttal I can say is that control is an illusion. It's simply been a way for me to pretend I have control over all manner of external anxieties. And I see now how it manifested itself into one ugly, messy glob.
I'm pretty sure that Honey and I grew up in similar environments. I know my mom grew up during an era where she was discouraged from particular fields of study because of her gender. So when I was in school, she was really good about reminding me that there were gender biases but that I was smart enough to penetrate those barriers. I was studying to be a doctor. My sister went to the Naval Academy. We both got the message loud and clear. And we both struggle with our femininity today. (Corri, I really identified with your posts a few weeks ago.) I don't necessarily struggle with my identity as a woman--I'm a girly looking girl with plenty of curves and a nice smile. But I just happen to like the things that boys typically like to do. This might be because I grew up with a mom who loved sports... and my dad and brother love them as well... as do my male cousins.... and the fact that my neighborhood consisted of all boys and 3 girls. I dunno. I just learned from an early age that boys have more fun.
It's only been in the last few years that I've allowed myself to contemplate more feminine pursuits. I was always asked to play bunco in my old 'hood. I did it so I could mingle with chicks. But bunco is boring. It's a really poor substitute for poker! I'm not sure exactly where I fit in. I've got a totally athletic daughter, and it brings me utter joy to watch her kick ass on a volleyball court. (Okay, I've also got another daughter I call "Runs With Scissors") I'm hoping that all D12's girl cameraderie will pay off in her adulthood. She loves to paint her nails and wear cute outfits. But when the volleyball jersey and spandex shorts go on, she's all competitor. I wish I had been more like her...
So I'll begrudgingly give Laura some credit for forcing me to think about some things I had never been inclined to consider before. Because when I put some of her theories to test with Mr. Wonderful, they were dead on.
They still are.
Betsey
p.s. So I'll pray for miracles for those of us who need to continue to make progress in this area. Including BB.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey
