Oh, Honey, I'll just extend a big girl hug over the internet. I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I would have found something so intimate as your H's journal. It might have really made a difference in our M.

Quote:

Well, my defensive reaction to that is this: MrH does *not* make it easy for me to open up. In fact, it makes him so uncomfortable that he immediately shuts the convo down. "Uhhhh, honeypot......you know, I'm going to go run a bath for you." End of discussion. This can be about depression over my dad's death, or my insecurities about my mothering skills, you name it. Anything that hints of intimacy makes him uncomfortable.



I suspected that we married brothers, but this clinched things. It's really hard to open up to someone when you get swatted down because of their discomfort with the subject matter. Ugh. And you're right--it doesn't get either one of us off the hook. I think if I had the chance to get a do-over, I'd be pointing out to Mr. W. exactly what I needed from him once he started shutting me down.

Did I ever tell you about the day we got a Dx on D9? OMG, Honey, next to the day when he moved out, it was the WORST day of my life. I knew that there was something wrong with her, and for the most part, I was very accepting of that notion. But hearing the words out loud marked the very end of my hope that she would grow up to be normal. I was a friggin' basket case--crying from hopeless despair to the point where I was nauseated. (I think I fainted in the shower the following morning. ) As I lay on our master bath floor (it was carpeted), naked and wet and sobbing, Mr. W. looked at me with what I thought was contempt back then. (I see now that he just had NO skills to deal with this sort of raw emotion.) He didn't comfort me or offer me his husbandly support. Instead, I got a sneer with a very harsh criticism as he said, "Bets. Get off the ground. I have no idea why you're behaving this way, but nothing you can do or say can change things. So it would be good if you would just accept things the way they are and deal with it. It is what it is. Get over it."

Honey, until a couple years ago, I wouldn't forgive him for being so horrid and awful to me. Please know that I have the same fear of opening up--to me, the ultimate rejection falls somewhere along the line of what you and I have experienced. As my surrogate mom told her H of 49 years when they split up 20 years ago, "Why should I stay married to you and have sex with you when I have to go out of my M to get intimacy?"

I'm glad my stuff is resonating with you. That's why I keep posting--I figure it might help someone out there to verbalize what I'm thinking or feeling.

I promised myself that I would never, ever recommend a book I had to read during MC on the subject of masculine/feminine roles. I still hate the author, but enough time has passed for me to tell you guys about the book that devastated me and rocked my world. I think she's full of sh!t most of the time, but the overall message I got out of her turned out to be the biggest light bulb moment I've had since, well, 1980 (when I left for college and found out that my mom's caution of separating darks and whites was valid ). Her name is Laura Doyle and the book is called The Surrendered Wife. (I hate the fact that I'm giving her help here, so please.... nobody..... don't buy this book! If you must, check it out of the library so this woman doesn't make another cent off any of us.) I cried from despair as I read between the lines what a horrid and unfeminine wife I had become.

For the record, I don't think I'm going to be giving up my masculine pursuits. My fantasy football team kicked a$$ this weekend, and my score shattered the league records (and this score was achieved with one person missing in my lineup). Because of that score, I now lead the league in points, though I'm not in first place overall (first in my division, though). My colleague wants me to trade wide receivers. I've told him no way, that someone has to give him some competition and that person is just gonna have to be me. I probably should have been born a boy, but genetics dealt me a different hand.

When I get the chance at having a loving, intimate R again, I plan on putting all this knowledge to good use. And I thank you thousandfold for reminding me that there is balance in nature, and I don't have to feel entitled to get it.

I appreciate your help--more than you'll ever know.

Hugs,

The not-so-desperate house ex-wife

"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein