Happy belated 40th, Corri! It's been an insane week here at work, and I've not been here much. I'm sorry I missed Blackie's well wishes to you.
Corri, I've read and re-read your posts and all I can do is smile. You probably think I'm nuts, but you know what? You grew up. Practically overnight. I can't remember the day (or night) when I had this lightning bolt realization either, but when I did, it pretty much paralyzed me. I still can't fathom why it took so long for me to completely grasp the idea of treating others the way I want to be treated. I must be the biggest dumba$$ west of the Mississippi or something.
Authenticity. Easy to spell and say, hard as hell to live out. If it helps you, I struggle with this issue every damn day of my life too. When this question means the most is when I'm in the midst of a huge quandary and the stakes are high--either for me or someone else. I know that what I say is a complete and utter reflection of me, and it compels me to communicate honestly with others.
There are people who make this job damn tough for me to do. But the only way (and I mean ONLY) to get deeper with others is to be vulnerable and give others what we say we are, who we are and to level with them openly and fairly.
It sure as hell doesn't mean you answer that colleague's question, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" What it does mean is that when you have the opportunity to share more of yourself (and it is requested of you) that you share with the goal of building intimacy and building trust with another human being. Being a pretty strong female, I KNOW how hard it is to be vulnerable and let others know what you're feeling. Trust me--this is not my strong suit at all, but I'm improving. So far, I haven't experienced more hurt than what hurt has been doled out over the past 4 years. I'm pretty sure that being vulnerable isn't high on my list of deadly sins (as perceived by others).
IMHO, we can't ever be perfectly authentic. We can sure set the bar at that level, though.
I think back to times in my now defunct marriage... where I chose not to be authentic for whatever lame ass reason I allowed to delude myself. At some point, I saw that Mr. W. continued to do things because I had never spoken up authentically--and even though he did the same to me, it was unfair of me to do.
The enlightened Corri and Betsey would do things differently now. I find myself choosing a different way of putting myself out there... for example, I share my "problem" and associated feelings and give others the chance to either respond or not. Their feelings and actions don't necessarily equate to deal breakers, but they do give us a template in problem solving where we both have a contribution to the solution without being master manipulators and control freaks.
When I'm at my absolute worst, I recognize that my gravitation toward control means I'm feeling fearful--and then I ask myself a series of questions to see whether or not the fear is based on a past conditioned response or it's valid in the present. Typically, that cycle keeps me from going after control and getting in other people's faces. Like you said, controlling my own thoughts and actions is a full time job for me. I'd prefer to do most of my manic thinking under wraps?
Choices. It's all about choices. And every choice has a consequence--consequences aren't always bad and they don't have to equate to punishment. Choices are good. And when you can get to the point where you realize that every stinking communication you have with someone else is about a choice, it makes things seem a whole lot more defined and manageable.
My guess is once you get through processing "the truth about Corri", you'll find that libido kick right back into gear. After all, what could be more heady than showing a guy what is really in your heart and being shown that you're awesome just the way you are? I swear, I'd be all over him like stink on crap...
Take care and go easy on yourself. It gets better from here. Trust me. I've got almost 5 years on you, and they just keep getting better.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
What it does mean is that when you have the opportunity to share more of yourself (and it is requested of you) that you share with the goal of building intimacy and building trust with another human being. Being a pretty strong female, I KNOW how hard it is to be vulnerable and let others know what you're feeling. Trust me--this is not my strong suit at all, but I'm improving. So far, I haven't experienced more hurt than what hurt has been doled out over the past 4 years. I'm pretty sure that being vulnerable isn't high on my list of deadly sins (as perceived by others). 
Betsey 
