Happy Birthday Corri!

[Corri]

Cobra:

The things I am talking about I guess relate more to self than other. For example... if I get mad because someone is not doing something the way I like... yet I have not expressed what I like... then getting mad at them is not acting with integrity. To me.

Conversely, saying to someone... you need to do X this way and that way because its the way I like it... yet they cannot or will not... and me continuing to get angry about it... is not acting with integrity. For I am not accepting 'other.'

It can be a problem, to be sure. But I have to ask myself... is my 'like' a preference or a non-negotiable item? If it is a preference, what and how far am I willing to compromise? If it is a non-negotiable to me... the ball is MY court to decide my action/reaction to the situation to honor myself and my integrity... not to get pissy with the other person because they just won't do it my way. That just leads to a power struggle, in my mind.

But... in most instances, I have to determine first what are MY preferences and what are MY non-negotiables, and THAT is what keeps me busy being ME and out of someone else's sh!t. And... I still fck up, I still 'miss,' I'm still imperfect, and that takes up my time, too.

My point here, is... it starts with self and ends with self. It isn't so much about the other person, or it not being uncomfortable, or it being easy or not easy, or it being win/win, black/white or any shade of gray in between.

Corri

[cinemanymph]

I always have room in my mailbox and your email is welcome anytime. I delete all emails I don't recognize, so when you do email, make the subject line obvious.

[Corri]

Hey Cine:

Sent you an email last night. Let me know if you don't get it.

Corri

[cinemanymph]

Just got it this am. I replyed and got bounced back. I tried a second time. It looks like the second one didn't bounce back.

[Underdog]

Happy belated 40th, Corri! It's been an insane week here at work, and I've not been here much. I'm sorry I missed Blackie's well wishes to you.

Corri, I've read and re-read your posts and all I can do is smile. You probably think I'm nuts, but you know what? You grew up. Practically overnight. I can't remember the day (or night) when I had this lightning bolt realization either, but when I did, it pretty much paralyzed me. I still can't fathom why it took so long for me to completely grasp the idea of treating others the way I want to be treated. I must be the biggest dumba$$ west of the Mississippi or something.

Authenticity. Easy to spell and say, hard as hell to live out. If it helps you, I struggle with this issue every damn day of my life too. When this question means the most is when I'm in the midst of a huge quandary and the stakes are high--either for me or someone else. I know that what I say is a complete and utter reflection of me, and it compels me to communicate honestly with others.

There are people who make this job damn tough for me to do. But the only way (and I mean ONLY) to get deeper with others is to be vulnerable and give others what we say we are, who we are and to level with them openly and fairly.

It sure as hell doesn't mean you answer that colleague's question, "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" What it does mean is that when you have the opportunity to share more of yourself (and it is requested of you) that you share with the goal of building intimacy and building trust with another human being. Being a pretty strong female, I KNOW how hard it is to be vulnerable and let others know what you're feeling. Trust me--this is not my strong suit at all, but I'm improving. So far, I haven't experienced more hurt than what hurt has been doled out over the past 4 years. I'm pretty sure that being vulnerable isn't high on my list of deadly sins (as perceived by others).

IMHO, we can't ever be perfectly authentic. We can sure set the bar at that level, though.

I think back to times in my now defunct marriage... where I chose not to be authentic for whatever lame ass reason I allowed to delude myself. At some point, I saw that Mr. W. continued to do things because I had never spoken up authentically--and even though he did the same to me, it was unfair of me to do.

The enlightened Corri and Betsey would do things differently now. I find myself choosing a different way of putting myself out there... for example, I share my "problem" and associated feelings and give others the chance to either respond or not. Their feelings and actions don't necessarily equate to deal breakers, but they do give us a template in problem solving where we both have a contribution to the solution without being master manipulators and control freaks.

When I'm at my absolute worst, I recognize that my gravitation toward control means I'm feeling fearful--and then I ask myself a series of questions to see whether or not the fear is based on a past conditioned response or it's valid in the present. Typically, that cycle keeps me from going after control and getting in other people's faces. Like you said, controlling my own thoughts and actions is a full time job for me. I'd prefer to do most of my manic thinking under wraps?

Choices. It's all about choices. And every choice has a consequence--consequences aren't always bad and they don't have to equate to punishment. Choices are good. And when you can get to the point where you realize that every stinking communication you have with someone else is about a choice, it makes things seem a whole lot more defined and manageable.

My guess is once you get through processing "the truth about Corri", you'll find that libido kick right back into gear. After all, what could be more heady than showing a guy what is really in your heart and being shown that you're awesome just the way you are? I swear, I'd be all over him like stink on crap...

Take care and go easy on yourself. It gets better from here. Trust me. I've got almost 5 years on you, and they just keep getting better.

Hugs,

Betsey

[Corri]

UD:

<giggle> Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

Yeah, I guess I did leave the impression that I was back in LD land. I was certainly headed there, and the reason I was headed there was because I wasn't being authentic. As soon as I began to muster up the courage to do all that you just said... the LDness began to wane.

I'm thinking, at least for me, my LDness is a direct by-product of 'stuffing' emotions... which builds resentment. But I am the only one in control of that... I began to find my way through... but being as authentic and genuine and honest about Who I Am, and what I feel, as I can.

I don't know why it is so scarey... I've found that once I just hang it out there... it is never as bad as I feared. So I started doing it more, and a bit more... and I don't know that the initial fear of it all goes away... but my desire to be authentic, right now, is far out weighing my desire to avoid being uncomfortable.

And once I get through it... I feel the most amazing 'charge.' A surge. A 'oh my goodness, I am so proud of me!!' feeling.... I feel so good about myself... viola... LDness vanishes.

So... perhaps... my LDness... a form of control... is not such a bad thing... in a sense. It is a direct barometer of my fear. And it is MY fear only...

Ah, we'll get there, UD. Thank God for my Ex. I got to learn about the very worst parts of myself so I could fix them.

Corri

[blackfoot]

I can't remember the day (or night) when I had this lightning bolt realization either, but when I did, it pretty much paralyzed me. I still can't fathom why it took so long for me to completely grasp the idea of treating others the way I want to be treated. I must be the biggest dumba$$ west of the Mississippi or something.

Most of us think that we are treating others as we want to be treated, when we give THEM, what WE want to receive. Its far more productive to let them know with directness and honesty, despite any fear, what we want.

If your a guy and ALL you want from your W is sex, thats going to make her feel the equivalant of your feeling like she only wants you for your paycheck.

I agree UD, Corri's doing/posting some good stuff. I remember you made a post to HP when I first started here, I was like YES!! Its too bad you arent around more. That was another good post.

[Underdog]

Corri--I'm glad you know that you're making progress. I'm very encouraged by the growth you share here. You rock, woman.

Blackie--You raise some excellent points yourself. You're right about putting our needs/requests out there authentically. It's the ONLY way--far more honest, way less manipulative.

BTW, I enjoy reading your posts too. You're probably the only male here who holds CeMar's testicles to the wall on this desire/LD crap. He's been posting almost as long as I have, and is the only person on this miserable BB who hasn't seemed to make any progress. I'm guessing that his lack of authenticity here carries over into his M as well? I know that his antics would have chased my libido all the way to hell...

I'm around some. I mostly read here (because I pray that some of the people who post in SSM see that their sex issues are directly related to how they interact with their spouses) but I have a thread in Hopefulness and have a few friends scattered in other places too. I go through periods of not wanting to post, but I seem to be in a sharing mode at the moment. Must be the approaching holidays or something.

I miss Honey! Tell her to come back...

And thanks for the compliment. That is a direct result of forcing myself to see things differently, courtesy of my XH. I honestly do appreciate the fact that his leaving forced me to grow up.

Incidentally, Mr. W. told me on occasion that he felt like I saw him as a life support system to his wallet. I used to laugh at that comment, mostly because the visual was just so damn funny. However, now I see that his comment wasn't about me but about his fears. He's even more touchy about money now that we're D, but I work HARD at communications so he doesn't walk away feeling as though I'm trying to weasel more money out of him than I already get. Some days are much tougher than others...

Hope you both have marvelous weekends!

Betsey

[honeypot]

Corri,
Sorry I missed your birthday! Hope you had a nice one. I've been sorta keeping up with your threads--and everyone else's--but don't even turn my computer on some days. Been busy potty training BabyPot (can y'all believe that?!) who is now D2, amongst other glamorous activities.

Things have been topsy turvy in our home. I went through a brief period of LD-ness myself, Corri, and I still don't know the cause but it vanished as suddenly as it appeared. My suspicion is that H and I were just not spending any QT together as well as very little time even IN each other's private space. It was hard to then go to bed and get all cozy, if you kwim. Simply asking him to sit next to me at night, after the kids are in bed, has made a world of difference. In true MrH fashion, he says "Wow I wish I would have known this years ago.."

Also, there were some minor discoveries--on my part--that have...equalized..things, for lack of a better word. I found a notebook in a box in our basement where he was detailing his religious journey. Folks, it was a lot more intense than even I suspected. He was also a lot closer to leaving my ass than I realized. I doubt he ever woulda left, cause he is deadly fearful of change, but he wrote about being married as being a cross to bear, etc.
The other discovery I'd rather not go into on a public forum but it has to do with his family and some skeletons in the closet. Seems as though they were/are not as holy and perfect as was previously thought. I don't know what psychological impact this had on us (knock him down a notch? nah, that sounds punitive. Even footing? maybe, but not something I'd even previously thought I wanted..) but something has changed, and for the better.

Finding that notebook rocked my world for about 3 days. I hate reliving that shtuff. However, it helped me see why I perceived him as being so LD. Meaning, something happened to my HD husband to destroy his libido. Either that 'something' was pretty strong, or his libido wasn't what I thought it was. Ever since I joined this board, I thought it was a combo of the two--he was obssessed with religion AND he had low desire. Now I see that his libido didn't waver, he just suppressed it with an *enormous* amount of willpower. Amazing.

So, I've totally highjacked your thread Corri and for that I apologize.

I felt like I needed to chime in because damned if I didn't have Betsey's realization, like, friggin yesterday. No joke! I was mentally lamenting that I haven't had any outpourings of love from H in forever and I then said to myself, Well what in the hell have you poured out to HIM lately? And I repeated in my mind that you get what you give, over and over.

All my life I've been brought up to think that men should be falling at my feet, spilling out their desire and unending love, without me having to reciprocate in any way. I've even managed to secure a good number of men who were willing to live this way. H is, of course, the first that has signed up for that job permanently and it turns out that this is not a reasonable expectation, after all. lol

It's hard for me to give. I can do and do. Cook, crack jokes, ML, play horseshoes, yougetthepicture. But it is nearly impossible for me to give the good stuff, the stuff that is hidden inside.

Can I just leave it at that for a while?

Take care all and I'll stop in when I have another realization or whenever Betsey and Blackie shine their danged flashlights under the rock I've been hiding.

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

Corri
Happy belated 40th, I'm doing well. Do not want to post on other's thread.

After reflecting what to you wish to do? How are your kids doing?