But if I SAY I am an honest, non-judgemental person, yet I do not honestly convey my feelings, my words are not congruent with my actions. That doesn't mean I get to dump on others for the sake of honestly expressing myself. But if not expressing myself honestly is causing or contributing to a problem... and I'm NOT doing so, yet I've claimed to be this... I am not acting with integrity. You see?
This is a defense many use to justify asserting their feelings and therefore their position (my wife uses it often). I do not think there is a black and white line here, rather shades of gray. Solving your “problem” or acting with integrity may mean putting your spouse in a position of having to compromise his/hers. Like most things, it comes to balance and which is the lesser of two evils. Few things are win/win.
Is there a lesser degree to which you can accept compromising you integrity in order to also minimize how much your spouse must compromise his/hers. In other words, can the both of you make the same degree of compromise so that you both feel it is fair, assuming the greater objective to to maintain a peaceful realtionship?
