I'm going to share something here... don't know quite where it fits or even if it has any relevance to anything.
You all know that I am seeing someone. We're even having sex <gasp!!> And up until just recently, it goes as any other new thing tends to go... 'cuz we've been in that lovely chemical bath phase that automatically feeds your horniness.
We've had issues to face, sexually. Just stuff. Don't want to get into it... but, that isn't significant because we've discussed and addressed them.
As time has passed, and the chemical bath begins to fade, other aspects of M/F dynamics come into play a bit more significantly... which tends to have its affect on the Automatic Horniness Response Mechanism (AHRM). In short... I can't tell you how stunned I was one day to find my LDness returning.
I was so fcking pissed and alarmed all at the same time I can't even begin to tell you. Now... the guy I am 'seeing' has no understading of HD/LD, and all the stuff we talk about here... k? Not the books, the theories, the terminology... you know. But it doesn't really matter, because I quickly realized, I was the one with the problem. And I had to figure out why.
I can even tell you... for a significant portion of the time we've been having sex... I would rival ANY of you HD folk. And the complaints that began to rack up in my head would RIVAL any of you HD folk as well. Hmmm. What to do, what to do.
I watched myself, that's what I did. I began to watch my behaviors to see if they were really reflecting the person I was telling him/showing him I am. Was I saying one thing and doing another? Most instances, no. Was I setting and maintaining clear boundaries? In most instances... yes. Had I gotten to the point that I was trying to change him? Didn't think I was.
Until I realized that... I'm still not done digging into Corri world.
We talk incessantly, on this BB, about the need for a safe environment, the need for communication, honesty, respect, trust... and all of those things are crucial to a loving R. They are.
I see where it all begins to unravel for me. And it all has to do with self.
In every instance where my actions were not lining up with my words was in a situation where I did not feel comfortable about something, and did not have the courage or even the slightess idea how to express myself.
In every instance where I violated a boundary... it was because I was willing to sacrifice my personal integrity rather than face an uncomfortable situation.... feel uncomfortable.
In every instance (and there have only been a few, thankfully), where I tried to change him, it was to eleviate my own discomfort.
I began to sacrifice respect/honesty/trust of my SELF in order to avoid discomfort and fear. I was the problem.
Now... it would be really, really EASY for me to blame him for this, that and the other thing, and I'm sure I could build a very solid argument that would hold up in the highest courts in the land. I have no doubt. And I'm sure that a lot of it would be legitimate.
But that's not what was bugging me... nor was it what was turning off my natural sexual inclinations.
And I swear... on the evening of my 40th birthday... I understood what it meant to have integrity, and how it links to my HD/LD cycles. It's all about me, kids, always has been, always will be.
The very moment I stop being me, who I am (my integrity) is the very moment my problems begin. I saw my old patterns of behavior begin to emerge again... not because of what he was or was not doing, who he is or isn't, what triggers he was pushing in me, my past sexual abuse, my FOO issues... none of that sh!t. It has all been centered on me BEING who I say I am. My integrity. I cannot give him honesty, if I cannot be honest with myself, and risk being uncomfortable to be so. I cannot ask him to respect me if I cannot respect myself, and risk being uncomfortable to be and ask for respect. I cannot assist in creating a safe environment if I cannot be honest about my own fears and uncertainties.
As an example. Someone on here was talking about his W never having an O.... but that he'd love to give her one.
I've faced that recently. I think I've had three Os, all told. And that's not many, kids. Not that our encounters aren't good or enjoyable or passionate... I have not had the integrity to... uhm... help him help me, kwis? I could not think of a way to tell him that wouldn't sound like a crticism, number one, and number two... I wasn't really sure what to say even if I was willing to tell him... in the... moment. It's not that I thought he couldn't handle what I was saying... puhleeze... I just didn't want to be that uncomfortable.... anxious...panicked...expose myself in such a way, 'cuz kids, that is just the worst, awful feeling. Don't know why... I'm not even sure what it is... except that I hate feeling it. It got to be so uncomfortable to me... I started avoiding. Imagine that. My LDness was returning.
And I thought... well... this just will not do, it will not do at all, because I don't WANT to be that woman. So by golly, I just began. At first, I was trying to figure out a way to do it non-verbally, just to save myself some pain and doubt and uncertainly and fear to express myself. Guess what? Didn't work too well.
Then I went the other way... dam it, if he KNEW me, he'd KNOW!! We all know where that gets us.
There are still some things that are hard for me to express... but just tough dam noogies for me. I'm not willing to let it go... and the more I continue to BE me, authentically, as much as I can, not kid myself... the less and less time/desire/need I have to go over and start mucking with his sh!t. I just don't feel like it. Not my job. I am busy being me, and I've realized that's a 24/7 gig.
THAT is what feeds my desire, my passion... for anything. Being me. Having the courage, every day, to do it.
Huh. I think I'm rhambling. Quite the chatterbox today, aren't I? I've got a ton of work to do... the whole avoidance thing... okay. Enough. Time to work.
