Quote: I noticed that when when you talk about the solution to this problem, you talk about schedules. There is no mention of fixing desire. How do you plan to fix the desire issue or is that not an issue?
Cemar, having a schedule and a goal to heal the relationship provides a fertile ground for sexual desire to grow.
NOP has described the process we went through. From one of his posts in 2004 entitled Return to Passion":
"Hi, folks.
I am revisiting this thread because of all the questions past and present regarding desire. I think that I am beginning to understand it a wee bit better now.
In my early posts, I like many others here, decried the lack of desire and passion in my marriage. I thought up all kinds of scenario that would encompass impassioned lovemaking and desire. I just couldn't understand why my wife could so ignore desire in her life. I couldn't fathom a life devoid of desire and passion.
As it turns out. My wife did have passion and desire about a lot of things in life - just not about sex with me. The reasons are as I suspected, simple, but couldn't wrap my mind around them.
My wife's passion toward life is not like mine. She loves her flower garden, but she doesn't want to wander naked through it while gazing soulfully into a crystal. That just isn't her. She loves her garden, and is passionate about it's contents, but if a few weeds spring up, she will get them out - in a day or four.
If I were an impassioned gardener, I would do all the normal things, water, plant, fertilize, tend the soil, but I would also, study religiously about each plant, sit up late at night and worry about insects or try to watch the plants grow.
Obviously, there are different levels of passion. The same thing is true of desire.
MrsNOP and I were talking about passion and desire just yesterday. I told her that I thought I had begun to understood the difference between the two in our relationship since we now have evidence of both in our lovemaking.
For us, passion is humping like bunnies because I got particularly turned on because of her intense orgasm, or laughing hard because of a 'router' comment due to us losing 'sync' while going at it (tech guys might appreciate that one).
Desire, the other thing I so longed for in my life was right in front of me in the form of my naked wife. I just hadn't seen it. It wasn't because she was being passionate during our lovemaking, it was because for the last year or better, she has consistently WANTED to be there naked with me. The desire to be there keeps growing stronger in her.
Technique, or even raw passion, does not equal desire in a relationship. Both spouses have to want to be there.
Since my wife and I have been working on our relationship, we continue to enjoy a close relationship, and a close emotional connection. The longer we have maintained that connection, the more obvious desire has become. After all the searching and the anger, the lost pride and the tears, I finally find that I am indeed wanted, and in the way I so needed to be wanted.
My wife desires me sexually, and I desire to be with her in places that are as important to her as my need for sex. Her desire may not be as strong as mine, but I have no doubt whatsoever that it is as deep as mine. That is why I am becoming more sure that the delineation between HD/LD becomes blurred in a properly functioning relationship.
So far, the most interesting thing about the nature of desire is that it becomes a "you feed me/I feed you loop" when properly functioning.
I am sorry if this post is a bit murky. I am still working to fully understand the workings of passion and desire in our relationship. I am posting this in a preliminary attempt to help others.
I'll just cut and paste the questions and my response to save bandwidth.
Q: Has she ever orgasmed, with or without you? A: I don't know about without, but she has with but never as a result of intercourse. I try to stretch it out but she knows how to make me orgasm and will do it as soon as she can even though I try to slow it down. She doesn't like receiving oral, so usually if she wants to orgasm I can do it manually. That happens about once every three months.
Q: Have you ever discussed with your wife what she considers to be non-sexual intimacy? A: Not as a direct question. In our last disagreement she said she wondered why we didn't go to mall or go for coffee when the kids were gone.
Q: When you perceive her reaction as being uncomfortable, have you ever asked her at that moment about it? IE. "When I hugged you just now, I felt that you were pulling away from me. Is that accurate and if so, why were you feeling uncomfortable?" What sort of reaction is she displaying that makes her seem uncomfortable? A: Yes. She denies being uncomfortable.
Q: What is she saying or doing that results in you feeling bad? A: She says things like "I feel like a piece of meat." In the aforementioned disagreement she kept saying "You just don't get it, do you?" As a question to why we couldn't just go have coffee instead of having sex. She is right, I didn't get it. We aren't alone very often. I would have been fine with going for coffee afterward.
Q: Does she acknowledge that lack of sex in your marriage is a problem for the marriage. Or has she told you that it is your problem alone A: Yes and no. She acknowledges that I want sex more than she does, but refuses to acknowledge it is a problem. She absolutely refuses to read TSSM, and contends our R is normal for us. In the end she simply says it's just a difference in drive.
Q: While women can and do enjoy sex without orgasm on occasion, I think the continual lack of orgasm will almost always result in a strong reluctance to have sex. A: OK, not a question but this is an interesting and true statement I think. I would love to give her an orgasm every time, she just doesn't have any interest in it.
