Quote: My wife and I spend a lot of time together talking and doing things together. We have plenty of non-sexual intimacy. That's my whole point. We get along great and enjoy each other's company a lot. The point is, when we have a chance to have sexual intimacy, she avoids it. When we are sexually intimate she wants to get it over with as soon as possible, so no, she doesn't orgasm.
Has she ever orgasmed, with or without you?
Have you ever discussed with your wife what she considers to be non-sexual intimacy?
The "we get along great" is something that my husband and I would have said too. And we would have meant it.
But you know, I think if you examine it, it probably breaks down to "we get along great as long as I don't ask for things that are important to me."
People who get along great when there are destructive issues in the marriage, are only doing so by ignoring the issues a majority of the time, IMO.
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She doesn't want any foreplay or afterplay, just get it over with. Believe me, I try every time to get her involved, she just doesn't want to. Sometimes I don't necessarily want sex, I just want to kiss her and caress her. Anytime we try to do that she seems uncomfortable. Even if I try to hold her hand or put my arm around her when we are in public, she seems uncomfortable, even though she says that what she wants me to do.
If she's stiff and unresponsive during sex, she's probably interpreting absolutely every physical touch from you as a prelude to sex.
When you perceive her reaction as being uncomfortable, have you ever asked her at that moment about it? IE. "When I hugged you just now, I felt that you were pulling away from me. Is that accurate and if so, why were you feeling uncomfortable?" What sort of reaction is she displaying that makes her seem uncomfortable?
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Over the 15 or so year span of this behavior we've talked about it at various times, but it always ends up with her making me feel bad for wanting to have sex with her.
What is she saying or doing that results in you feeling bad?
Does she acknowledge that lack of sex in your marriage is a problem for the marriage. Or has she told you that it is your problem alone?
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After our discussion it will usually get better for a month or so, then start slipping back into the old pattern. I can say without reservation there has been only ONE TIME I can think of in the past 15 years where I felt like she wanted to be a participant.
While women can and do enjoy sex without orgasm on occasion, I think the continual lack of orgasm will almost always result in a strong reluctance to have sex.
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Basically it's all about excuses and deflection. I have heard just about every excuse in the book, and some especially creative ones that would be funny if it weren't so serious. I think her comment about non-sexual intimacy that night was just another attempt at deflection.
Perhaps it was. I know it becomes easier for the LD spouse to separate out each occurance of rejection with some accompanying "excuse". With this caveat - they probably believe the excuse at the time they give it. The thought process goes something like this:
He wants sex again. I really don't *feel* like it. In fact, I feel sleepy (or sore, or hungry, or tired, or disconnected, etc.) *That's* why I don't want to have sex.
I would encourage you to exercise caution on labeling her responses as "deflections".
Our process out of our SSM started when my husband made it clear *daily* that it was a problem that was going to have to be addressed. The next step was when I acknowledged that it was a problem. As we continued having the huge discussions (okay, many of them could be called arguments ) - I would tell my husband what my issues were in the marriage, things that had caused me hurt. His intial response was that I was just deflecting. It was not until he acknowledged that I had major issues with the relationship that needed to be addressed *while* we addressed the sex issues, that we then began the slow progression out of the sexual pit.
The first step is to arrive at a place where the LD spouse acknowledges that the problem isn't *yours* alone. The next step (IMO) is to put together a plan. For us it was a schedule, ie. on this day and that day we will have sex. If you do not put together an actual plan that the both of you agree to, then you're left again with trying to operate on feelings alone. Which leads to the drifting away as the LD spouse reverts back to the position in which they are most comfortable.
) - I would tell my husband what my issues were in the marriage, things that had caused me hurt. His intial response was that I was just deflecting. It was not until he acknowledged that I had major issues with the relationship that needed to be addressed *while* we addressed the sex issues, that we then began the slow progression out of the sexual pit.