I am doing well today,, my H is still at friends house,,,,, I called him awhile ago and he said he would be home soon. I dunno I am impressed with how things are going and then when he binge drinks once in awhile it makes me realize sure he is human and yet I feel like he is still not ready to grow up.
I keep working an praying because for years even though he was a part of the reason I was severly depressed he tried and he is trying too now. He is a very proud stubborn man ,,, but little by little I am peeling the layers away and he is somewhat allowing me to and I am sure it is hard for him to let go of what he knows so well,,,,
My hope and prayer is that in a year he will be better and so will I!!!
I dunno many women who feel the crazy need to check VM,, except me.....
I have allowed the feelings they (( H AND OW))) took me on to come up again and I know I need to find myself even more, I can feel that I am stronger than I have ever been and it feels good it feels like I am free,, like I have said before I have been in a prison of my own making,, noone forces me to stay to carry the burden or to forgive. I choose to b/c I love and I always try my best to be me and I am finding out that I am a Very beautiful Person and I wish to be treated as such by everyone b/c I treat them as such. I think that is what hurts the most when you love and give and it feels like that gift ((( of selfless love))) is left on the doorstep unopened,,, ,,
I went to see my aunt today who passed away 3 years ago and it felt so good,,,, I MISS HER SO MUCH!
...she had a personality just like mine and when she finally gave herself the gift of herself and to be heard she was taken only two years later... She was only 52 years old,, she finally divorced a Man who caused her great pain at 50,,,,
I vowed when she died that I would live life to its fullest and rejoice in the day and enjoy my life,, I am just finally starting to do that and it feels so good. I waited too long after she died to fulfill my promise in prayer to her that I would love myself and love life and REJOICE....
she suffered like me and even more and she always had a smile on her face she never let anyone in on her pain even though we all knew it was there....
I will turn 36 on DEC 28th,, and I think I have waited long enough to breathe in and just live,,, All I want is to be happy and to have some peace,,,
I am tired of waiting for my life to start I want to live now...... I will keep working on me and find Peace that much I know for sure. I am so blessed to be alive and I want to start living like it too... So why am I so scared ? God bless...
