Thanks Santhony,, I honestly did not know that WAS had an issue like this. I guess yeah the guilt of what he did would make him think I can get up and leave at any moment and he also said he always felt like he was not good enough for me,, so remember what I posted once.....
"love me most when I deserve it the least" ??
I will continue to do this cause apparently I made him feel so unloved and miserable and yet he chose to try again and come home,, so I will be the best me and love him regardless of his love for himself..
I hope I can help him to love himself more,, I HAVE grown soooooooooooooooo much and yes it does feel sooooo good. I will continue to work on me and now I am planning on getting super fit so that Is my new gift to myself to get my body fit,, I deserve it ..... My birthday is in December so this is my gift to myself,, if I lose weight great but what I really want to see is a fit body.... Wish me luck... God bless...
Glad to see things are going well for you. I re-read you old post to me. It was inspirational. It's been a hard grind, and I'm getting worn down. This is hell. I'm glad for you.
Quote: ((((Here is a picture of me and my girls it is pretty silly but I thought I would share it
I took a look at your silly pic. Don't let anyone ever tell you are anything short of a doll! Your girls are angels!!!
Ali - I wish you continued luck in your pursuit of rebuilding your M. You are one of the lucky ones - yet you find yourself having to work your tail off to make it happen. Don't ever give up. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. You have what it takes - never give up!
Thank guys for checking in on me,, I swear sometimes it is you all and your positive energy that helps me to stay even stronger and smile alot more that is for sure,,
Santhony thanks for the compliment,,, I am trying hard and then I try even harder,, I feel like my H is ready to soften some but I dunno . He will be going to Mexico again during Christmas((( and my birtday is three days after UGGHH))),, I do not think I will go with him,, I am not sure yet,,,,
I do know it seems when he is down there he turns on me so I will remember to keep contact to a minimum but at the same time he is needy with me calling so as always he makes me feel like D*mned if I do and D*mned if I dont. But I can feel myself getting stronger and detaching more and being alot more assertive with him.... and I am enjoying it. It feels good to keep the focus on me and what I can do to improve myself and kep becoming a better person and letting him fall down and giving him space. When I focused to much on him in the past all I got was HURT!
So it seems to me that all my hard work has benefitted me and to some extent him,,, I have let go alot more,,, these past weeks since he returned and it seems the more I let go the nicer he is,, STRANGE?! He has also decided to get on a health kick and I could not be happier,,(( I also encouraged him and explained that drinking was what was making him tired and lots of other nasty side effects)))) he was apparently drinking ALOT when he was in Mexico and he returned in bad shape and so yesterday I went to GNC to get him all sorts of stuff to help him get buff,, he knows I have alot of knowledge about health so he left it all up to me,,, I got him ST Johns Wort also to help him stabalize his moods ,,, I need to read a little more on it!!! ALSO I got him Omega 3 Fish Oil which I have been trying to get him to take for years but he would not,, They are also known to stabalize moods and help with brainfunction,,, and they have too many benefits to list here (( INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE))) HE IS GOING TO BE GETTING HEALTHIER AND HOPEFULLY WE WILL SEE A HAPPIER MORE STABLE PERSON as well. Well enough of me being silly,,,
He told me this morning he also wants me to start getting healty again too!! Thanks for the invitation exactly what I wanted to do too! ((( insert evil laugh again)))
Sheesh I am soooo funny this morning.... Yes you all do not worry I will keep my day job,,,, Hey I am easily entertained,, who would have thought taking supplements and getting fit would make me want to crack jokes????
Anyway I am doing well and MY H seems to be well too,,,
I just hope he gets better. And now it is my turn to help a close relative who is not doing so well in her M. God bless...
You let me go you told me you did not want to be with me anymore.
You broke my heart and left me for Dead. I did die, the old me the one who thought I could not survive without you. You are a part of me and a part of my being ,but yes I can live without you, but my life is ooooooooooooooo much richer when you are her by my side. when you are in my arms or I am in yours it feels so good ,so right.
You were in alot of pain and you tried to hold on but you were not strong enough and you tried to fill yourself up with her but she did not love you like I do and you did not love her at all like you have ever loved me.
Yes this was scary for you and you yourself let me know you were scared and still let me back in and are trying,,, I know you think you are giving 100% of you ,
....but I do not you could give me so much more,, for now I will accept the gift of you trying and being here, You mean sooooo mcuh to me and I will love you all the days of my life, but is is that same love for you that makes me want to help you grow to reach your full potentiial to live and see that life is so beautiful , you helped me a long time ago see how beautiful I was and so I will do the same for you now.
You do not see life for how precious it is at times, but I will help you to see with my eyes and show you how beautiful I see things and let you feel me and feel the love I have for you whether you can be relied on and whether or not you will ever hurt me again is not for sure but I will choose to risk it all and lay my heart before you and just pray that you will accept this Gift and also love it and not abuse it.
I am real and I am here and I am present, I am giving you all I have and I know that I am genuine,,
~ stop telling yourself you do not desrve to be loved and this will be so much more beautiful.
~ I have tied to let go of the hurt you caused me and I am doing better but yes I still have a ways to go,,, I will get there but I need to find that for myself. You can help some by being beautiful wih me but I alone can give mysefl this gift and it will take more time, I dunno how you could have given yourself to her. You are precious and you gave yourself to someone who was not worthy and sometimes I will admit it makes me sick,, but you are here and I am trying to keep forgiving you.
Can you be who I need you to be can you keep your vows and keep yourself true to me? I dunno ,but I pray you do.
I must keep forgiving you and forgiving me, and I hope one day I will be better. But for now I must keep working.... You let me down and even though you are here with me and have let her go I need to fully let her go and I hate her for being weak and leting you in so easily knowing you had a Family but I will keep working on forgiving her ,,, ,,,cause I have forgiven you but she is still here in my thoughts and in my brain and I want her to leave. She has no place in my LIFE and I need to make her Memory fade and I do not know how, It hurts sometimes still and I a m tired of her.... Please help me God I want her to stop living inside me... I want to let it go , when will I be truly FREE? ~God bless....
.... TODAY WE ARE GOING TO GET MY H TATTOO COVERED,,,,,, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY,,, I am so proud of myself for getting better at being me and I am doing much better,,,
I keep getting small talks in with my H and he seems to be receptive. I can see now how me being strong really helps my M,,,, he asked me for @ 2 weeks now to make appt to get his Tatro and I was not putting it off but I said when you are positive 100% sure you are going to make ( not reschedule due to work or other reasons)the appointment I will call,,,so yesterday I said hey you are not working tommorrow you wanna go get your Tatto and he sed YES. So I called and made it
yesterday he took me to lunch to one of our fave Thai restaurants and we even walked there it was Beautiful here yesterday.
And he knows I love to go on walks . I had a pleasant day. Last nite he started his usual getting angry stuff when he started talking about payroll and work so I calmy sed you need to stop talking to me like that,, he did not verbally abuse me but he was still taking out his frustration on me,, nope it stopped. I am really proud of myself AND him too of course.
WE had a nice convo this morning and we briefly touched on the "OW" subject. he claims he knew she was trash,, HHHHHHHMMMMMMMM, I asked then why were you with her,, in a way that clearly demonstrated I really could care less. I told him well I knew from sources she is a &*(^ but I figured you said you knew what you were doing and it was up to you to see for yourself who she was and even though I knew who she was I kept it to myself,, you most likely would have sed I made it up and I just kept praying for you to get well.
So all in all I am doing better and it seems my H is too, he even admitted he needs to work on himself more.. WOW this is fantastic, I am so Happy right now.....
Somebody Pinch me....
I am actually proud of him too, it takes alot to admit the things he did this morning. Thanks to you all for your continued support ,, you have really helped me give myself permission to be me and to ask for what I need and want in our M. God bless you all....
Well this morning was interesting to say the least. I had a great nite with my H even though he did go out with the boys for a bit,,,,, @ 12:43 am he gets a call on his phone from one of his friends and my H is dead asleep.I was out of my mind for a bit and I honestly dunno why but I checked his VM,,, a girl had left a dumb message,, Hola como estas? ( Hi how are you?) I just called to day hi and call me when you get this,, yeah pretty interesting,,,
If you all remeber I had approached my H awhile ago ona subject I di dnt get to deep into with you all and it had to do with this friend talking to girls who are 18 and younger,,,I was proud of myself a few weeks ago for telling him where I stand on the subject and not being "afraid" of his reaction.
This morning he was being ultra sweet and now he left he is angry,,,,,, I told him I checked his VM and that I proceeded to call his friend and poltiley tell him I thought what transpired was not funny at all... Then of course my H got angry,, Miraculously he did not verbal abuse me,,, he said he needed to leave.I told him I could not believe that he was going to ruin the whole day over this,,, he said you need to let me leave remember what we talked about before,,,,, ( when he used to get angry like this I would tell him to please saty and cry,, I di none of this I just stated that he did not have to waste the day I could leave actually,, he replied where do you have to go, and anyway in the past he used to ened up being physically abusive with me when he was angry and I asked him not to leave...) so I said fine you can leave in a calm tone and proceeded to go downstairs to make mY kids breakfast...(( I made them black beans,, eggs and potatoes and toast! )
I hope you can tell by my post I am not the least bit upset he is not here he is being stubborn and I know what I did was maybe wrong by checking Vm but I am only human,,,,and it was his friends number so I never expected to hear a girl on the VM....
CRAZY as this sounds he then comes into the kitchen ( remember he said he needed to leave cause he is angry at me and cannot be near me he does not want to hurt me?)
I am cooking away and cleaning and he proceeds to tell me that he is very angry with me (BTW in the past he would have first verbally abused me,, hit me then just left and come home very very late or not til next day) thank God he did none of this,,,
(Recently I went to see a local Physchic that we have here and actually I did not go to se her b/c of my R,,, remeber how I told you all I had to help my AUNT,, well I went to ask about her and her H actually and I was honest with my H about it,, I have known her for @ 10 years and she is so on she is scary,, she knew when I was 4 weeks pregnant with my daughter and even told me she would be a girl but not have the personality of one she would not be girly like me and scary part is she was right,, so anyway a little background on her cause My H believes every word she says too..
Any way he says to me when you went to see that lady didnt she TELL YOU YOU NEED TO CHANGE? I sed no actually she did not and you know I do not lie I am telling you the truth,, she even said like I told you that you are cheating still that your heart is mine and that your body you share and I even told you that as much as I respect her I told her I did not believe her that I thought she was referrring to when you occasionally get wasted and put things in your body you are not supposed( illegal substances) to at your friends house,,, YOu Know I can feel in my heart when you are cheating,,,,you yourself have told me when I call and you have done such a thing you sometimes choose not to answer cause you feel like you are betraying me...
he did not disagree,, he went on to say he was very angry that I would disrespect him by answereing his phone and I repiled,,," you know what maybe what I did was not right but you always fail to see that I am human and you never allow or want me to have feelings,, you always do the right thing right and you are always rational you never do anything that is irrational like me but what you fail to recognize is that them calling you or you even conversing with them even if you are not a part of it is not right,,,, (he was trying to also explain that if he wante to hang out with his frined or was cheating on me he would not have come home I calmy replied I never insinuated you were cheating bt you even talking to them is wrong,, I sed let me explain it this simple ,, you always do the right thing and you are always rational ( he thinks he is these things So I was just trying to get my point home, I know and you all know he is not perfect but he does not))So let me give you this example the other day a few weeks ago when you called this particular friend and that girl answered I di not like that you were joking around with her < had it been his wife that is fine but we all know who she is and let me say that you in your always doing whats right and being so respected and how the kids know who you are and you are wanting them to know right from wrong and always be respectful, would you want them to come in the room and see you talking to her,, if she was in front of you physically,,, ( lets just say?) would you be proud that they saw you talking to her, would that make you feel proud?????? I sed this all very calmy .
FROM HIM ...
SILENCE...............
I really nad truly know that my H is a good man and that he thinks that as long as he is not doing wrong evrything is ok but for me that is not good enough..
I also explained as rational as you always are I know if I was dead asllep and some guy called my phone and left me a VM you would not be so rational ,, you would very wel do the same thing I did and the difference is I would not be angry cause you anger is justified,, I realize for you it is an invasion of privacy but you know what ( he mentioned he never looks thru my things) you can look thru my things any day you please and you will find nothing bad.. also you can take my ceel and you will never get a phone call from someone who is not my girlfriend ( I have no male friends BTW) or my family. I have no secrets from you... AGAIN .. SILENCE. he also recieved a call at % am and asked if I answered that one too I said no I did not, he then asked well who is 7845 I said , How do I know it is your phone it is probably one of your frinds all you have to do is call and ask who called you ,,,,I have no reason to lie to you, I was completely honest with you and I knew you might not react so well, he said....
then who pushed the number 1 on my phone? I said you must have,, you just do not remember. Again if it was me I would tell you,, again just cal and ASK WHO IT IS IF YOU NEED TO KNOW. SILENCE....
He went upstairs for a bit,, when he came back down before he left he told me yes it was one of his friends , it was xxxxx honey. ( why did he tell me when he says it is none of my bussiness who calls him? Chnaged his mind about the whole sitch,, I will not ever do that again but I think it happend for a reason fro him to knopw that I will no longer put up with half ass behavior, I will respect his privacy but he needs to respect me and not be around that type of garbage anymore, he even stated do you really think that I want to be with one of those 18 year old---- &*(^'S---- I said actually NO, I never said that to you or thought it but what they did even if it was just to be funny was not, do you get that? Before he left he said to me I will be right back,, I said ok we will be here..
Sheesh , I think everything is fab and I want you all to pinch me and the I have to give him a dose of reality, talk to him like he is 4 years old,,, and I act like an idiot and call the VM why di dI do that anyway,, I dunno . I have not done that in a long time and it was his friends number I recognized the number,, I dunno something told me to do it,, Bad move...
I also talked to him yesterday @ "OW" again cause he knew his sister was going to see her and he wanted to send his Dad a gift and I had to fed ex it to the city where "OW" lives,, nice huh?
An dhe asked his Dad in the morning di dXXXX talk to her friend and yes it did bother me some so later he wants to get frisky and I guess I was sort of neutral to the whole idea and he said why cant you ever just be happy? I said I am happy it has nothing to do with you, well sort of it does,, and he replied are yu upset cause I asked my dad that?
I replied it is not so much that I amtrying to make this bigger than it is but you are asking me to never have feelings @ this. @ 5 years ago when she came to see your sister I knew she had been your GF before you met me and you know what ,, I was polite to her and was even nice to her,,, I was fine but you now have slept with her went to stay at a Motel with her and lots of other stuff I do not even want to talk about that wh*re anymore she is a piece of garbage as far as I am concerned,,,
Again SILENCE..
and then HE went to Walmart to money gram his sister money!!!!!!!!!
something he would normally make me do,, so I feel like I am getting thru...
He does not say he is sorry but he seems to change the behavior some,, he hates to go to send money and he had to go to Walmart on a Saturday morning,,, he would rather cut off his arm than go to Walmart on a Saturday to send money to his sister ((( too busy ..too many people))),, so for him to go and not send me WAS HUGE.
Maybe he can see now that him thinking it is no big deal b/c he is here with me and no longer cares about her, so I should be ok with htis all like this friend of sisters is just her friend,, to me she is not just her friend to me she was a person who could not wait for my H to D me and then be a part of his life she was willing to take my H from his kids and that is what angers me the most,,, sure we can all heal and move on but to me my Family staying together is important and for her and my H not to have any moral integrity and just not give a sh*T is SICK...
At the same time her total lack of moral integrity and me being a lady is I also believe what saved me,,,,
Today is really the only the 2nd time since the bomb,, that I actually stood up for myself and got angry some and let him know I was angry too,,,,
That felt so good to let it out..... Thanks God bless....
I am doing well today,, my H is still at friends house,,,,, I called him awhile ago and he said he would be home soon. I dunno I am impressed with how things are going and then when he binge drinks once in awhile it makes me realize sure he is human and yet I feel like he is still not ready to grow up.
I keep working an praying because for years even though he was a part of the reason I was severly depressed he tried and he is trying too now. He is a very proud stubborn man ,,, but little by little I am peeling the layers away and he is somewhat allowing me to and I am sure it is hard for him to let go of what he knows so well,,,,
My hope and prayer is that in a year he will be better and so will I!!!
I dunno many women who feel the crazy need to check VM,, except me.....
I have allowed the feelings they (( H AND OW))) took me on to come up again and I know I need to find myself even more, I can feel that I am stronger than I have ever been and it feels good it feels like I am free,, like I have said before I have been in a prison of my own making,, noone forces me to stay to carry the burden or to forgive. I choose to b/c I love and I always try my best to be me and I am finding out that I am a Very beautiful Person and I wish to be treated as such by everyone b/c I treat them as such. I think that is what hurts the most when you love and give and it feels like that gift ((( of selfless love))) is left on the doorstep unopened,,, ,,
I went to see my aunt today who passed away 3 years ago and it felt so good,,,, I MISS HER SO MUCH!
...she had a personality just like mine and when she finally gave herself the gift of herself and to be heard she was taken only two years later... She was only 52 years old,, she finally divorced a Man who caused her great pain at 50,,,,
I vowed when she died that I would live life to its fullest and rejoice in the day and enjoy my life,, I am just finally starting to do that and it feels so good. I waited too long after she died to fulfill my promise in prayer to her that I would love myself and love life and REJOICE....
she suffered like me and even more and she always had a smile on her face she never let anyone in on her pain even though we all knew it was there....
I will turn 36 on DEC 28th,, and I think I have waited long enough to breathe in and just live,,, All I want is to be happy and to have some peace,,,
I am tired of waiting for my life to start I want to live now...... I will keep working on me and find Peace that much I know for sure. I am so blessed to be alive and I want to start living like it too... So why am I so scared ? God bless...
My birthday is in December so this is my gift to myself,, if I lose weight great but what I really want to see is a fit body....
exactly what I wanted to do too!