I am reading my book Passionate Mariage once again and think I will try to read DB again too,, I love my H and want to keep working at this so I need to arm myself with some more knowledge maybe I missed something before... and will learn something new. I did read this today on page 182 and am going to write it
down so I can rememember it maybe you dont want to be with me-but that is not the same thing as rejecting me. You are my partner, you have the right to choose whom you want to be with.You can vote about whether or not you want to be with me,but you no longer get a vote about whether or not I am okay. The whole point is, I need to hold onto myself -especially if you dont want to hold me. I had this part underlined from when I read it back in May and also I found it interesting that I wrote myself a note on page 75 which is as follows... I felt so gloriously beautiful in xxxxxx eyes when we first met, I have to feel gloriously beautiful in my own eyes ( heart and mind)so in times of confusion I am still putting beauty into myself and my life..
Maybe for awhile I need to reread these books I wrote some really good stuff that I had forgotten about,, when I was young I used to love to read.
My H does seem to dictate my moods and I also read today that it is b/c I am insecure,,, BINGO.
When we were seperated I was detaching and really getting me back and I felt so good and I felt alot of confusion when we Reconciled alot of Happiness cause I had reached my Goal of keeping my Family intact and now I feel so powereless,, like he has me on a string,,, I love him but need to keep working on me like I was ,, I will be really busy these next few days with work but I need to make time to read everyday.
And I think I am going to start reading a new book every 2 weeks just for me for me to get stronger and for me to love myself,, I think that will be my greatest accomplishment ever to really let go and love me,, I was getting there and was there for awhile I felt so sure of myself and I have allowed myself to fall flat on my face and feel ugly again,,
My MOM always used to tell me I was ugly and worthless and much more.... IT WAS SAD REALLY...
I have been in a prison of my own making and even though he feels so different on the phone since he said that and does not want to talk about it like he never said it I will be me and work on not letting the fear take over.
I have always allowed others to take my Happiness except for the year I was single before I met my beloved Husband,, I felt so strong,, I was not lonely even though I was alone,, I went to schoOl I paid my own bills and I felt strong and free noone was allowed to make me feel bad I was strong, I was who I need to be again.
....the strong Woman who was proud of herself,, I am a very strong Woman I just need to find her again she made a small appereance while I was seperated and I do believe that is what drew my H back to me ,, the real me.
I am not the woman who is typing this now with a knot in her stomache as to what will happen when he comes home,, I miss him and I am excited but I am also scared....
I know it is impossible for him to stop loving me in a week but he feels different,, I am scared but I will work on me and be the person I know I am when he comes home and pretend he never hurt my feeling and if and when I see that he doe snot want to be a WAH again I will see about counseling for him, for now I wil work on me and geting my strength back and alow him to decide if he is in this for good, I refuse to give up but I need for him to stay cause he wants to and so I will let him see who I am and if he needs to leave again It will break my heart but I will know I did my best and I can live with that...
I can live with knowing that I was doing evrything I could and if he leaves we will both lose, I will lose the Man I want to spend the rest of my life with ( I do not need him to live but want him by my side b/c I love him) and he wilL lose a Woman who put her life in his hands and loved him and let him be himself and grow and fall down and get back up again, someone who helped him become the Man he is today,, a woman who jumped in and loved every inch of him.
SOMEONE WHO LOVED HIM UNCONDITIONALLY.
I do recognize that I have still been guarded with him and waiting for him to say this so I will try my best to jump in feet first even if I am afraid the water will be cold as ice,, I am going to jump in head first and use my intelligence and try like hell to let go of the fear that is residing in me...
What I felt a short while ago while I was working thru all this and the strength I had within myself and what I worked so hard for within myself I need to get that back and even though I am scared and I feel lost . I need to do this.
If I keep guarding the front door and do not find me I will lose ,, I will lose me and he will lose me too,, I am smarter than this I better roll up my sleeves and get to work on me,, the best gift I can give to myself and I must do this...
Today when I woke up I felt this fear and yet I also have this great sense of peace it is all around me and the strange thing is that when I went to run errands everyone my eyes met with smiled at me and smiled at me in a way I have never felt before it was strange to me when they smiled at me I felt as though they were smiling at me like you would smile if you saw an Angel .... maybe my Guardian Angel is working overtime.. it was strangely beautiful,, sounds crazy I am sure but it filled me with so much peace....
I find beauty in everything but now I need to find it in myself!!!!!! .... and right now it eludes me but I am going to find it within me and then I can reach the stars while here on Earth...
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING A PART OF MY JOURNEY...
GOD BLESS....
My h just called a bit ago and he was being like he is when he was home,, ? ABSOLUTELY --->Awesome.... He sounded so happy, AND HALF ASLEEP TOO.
Wow this is a trip.... ....will post more tomorrow I am going to try to sleep.
I think I will try to get to the book store tommorrow too, see what is new there to read... I need to keep working on me! Any suggestions? I am also going to get a Journal for myself like I had when I was DBing my butt off,, I need to set new mini Goals for myself.. God bless....
I HAVE A BUSY DAY TODAY...I am off to the store to get plastic to cover my windows, I bought the wrong kind last nite?! I also have to run some errands and I hope I will have a good day and get everything accomplished,, My H took me for a loop last nite wen he called me, I had called earlier @ 11:45 p.m. and he did not answer, and then suddenly he calls me back awhile later and he was being so sweet..???????????????
I will not make too much of it AS HE may explode or turn again today... I will just accept it for the gift it was and keep working on me.....
Off to get a Book and plastic for the windows it is SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD here! and a JOURNAL for sure,, and a highlighter .......PRETTY EXCITING STUFF EH? GOD BLESS,,,,
MY H IS HOME AND HE IS WELL BUT HE IS STILL EDGY, NO VERBAL ABUSE BUT HE IS NOT BEING THE WAY HE WAS BEFORE HE LEFT,, HE IS UNDER ALOT OF STRESS AND SEEMS TO THINK I AM HIS SCAPEGOAT.. I let him know this has to STOP,,,
Also he was mentioning his sister and "OW" ( SIL went to visit and get a car part for his dads car that used to be mine) and he kept saying they will go and pick it up like nothing,, Did not want to argue but felt Hurt and wanted to set boundaries. So I calmy explained you know I know she is with "OW" and it is offensive and hurtful that you keep saying they like no big deal. It hurts my feelings and maybe that is not your intention but that is what you are doing by saying "they" to me... he immediately stopped and I felt a little better that he listend but he still was arrogant enoough to talk about her like he did not sleep with her and still have her name tattoed on his chest,
I dunno how much longer I can look at the D*MN Tattoo, I am ready to choke him and say get out..
NO I would not do that after everything I have worked so hard for but he is pushing my buttons so well and I feel like if we get thru this I will be looking at her name until I am 50 and that is a lone time away for me,, I want to enjoy him and he is making it difficult to do so.
he is under stress and taking it all out on nme and that is NO GOOD!!! I have not gotten one Thank you or compliment from him and that is ok I know I am valuable,, But I feel like saying if I am so terrible please find your way to the door and go find your Happiness which does not seem to be me and when you MISS me like last time and the time before that please do not come back until you are ready to be in this with respect and integrity.. I will keep working on this but I am scared he will not stop and I dunno if I can accept this Jeckyl Hyde stuff much longer,,, I know that this is work but he is looking for reasons to argue and I refuse to argue back... I will continue to work on me and let him own his anger,,that is one gift he can keep. I will support him and be a Great Wife but he needs to change some,, dunno if he wants to.
He tried to make me feel better today by saying he is like this with everyone when he is stressed and he is very impatient and I told him well you need to stop and if you do not you will give yourself a heart attack, not trying to be mean but I will not walk on eggshells any more. I will not be mean like he has been but I will use my Voice b/c I am commited to this and one day he may see the error of his ways..
I watched CLICK the movie with him and just cried,,,,, He is Adam Sandler in the movie and he loves me that way too( like he did in the Movie), I know he does ,,, but he is lost and I dunno if he will find his way and when he does I am afraid , very, very, afraid for our Family it will be too late....
Right now instead of growing he wants to blame me for everything even the Weather ( practically) and so he can keep fooling himself, I will stay strong and he can walk with me but not in front of me like he is superior,, I hope to update soon that is back to being who I know he is and that things are improving,, but right now I see that he is standing still while I am ready to keep growing and make this M blossom. Funny thing is he feels the same way about me he has told me this,,,that I CAN change but I do not want to.That I get toooooooo comfortable with him and this is why we separated in the first place. I am very , very confused. I hope tommorrow is a better day and I can keep growing and be me... God bless...
THANK YOU sooo much for your post,, I cried and cried some more and did watch the show. My H has also sed in the past he yells at me so I can learn just like the lady in the interview stated, her H would say???!!!???. I guess it is all he knows how sad...
I have to tell you that I am sooooooo proud of myself b/c last nite and today I have confronted my h regarding all this stuff. I figured if I do not he will lose , I will lose and our Kids will lose too.
WE had several long talks he has not agreed to couseling ( did not ask yet) but he has agreed that his behavior is not good. Today he lost his temper and I did not say anything just walked out and let him be.He then apologized, I told him that if he knew how it felt on the receiving end he would stop. I also talked to him last nite @ "OW" issue.He admitted that while he was down there the day I was so worried about when he went to the border that he did drop his sister off ( in city where "OW" lives at a gas station,but did not see "OW"!!!!!!!!!!
That she is history and he does not have any interest in her whatsoever.For him to be honest with me and not blow up is a major step for him...HUGE>>>>
...also on our way home from renting movies for kids.( In the past and even before he left for Mexico he would have let me go alone but I sed lets go get movies put on your shoes and lets go..)
...I sed I feel like having a bloody mary( he normally would have just kept going home) . And he turned left and went to a local bar we go to once in awhile since Reconciling and as we got out of the car he sed to me..
( and I had not mentioned the Tattoo,since he has been home!!! only here to you all )
" HEY honey I have to go and get my Tattoo!"
I sed " Yeah you do ,lets go sometime this week." He agreed ... So I am no nowhere near out of the water yet but I am making progress.....
I also talked to him @ his behavior while In Mexico,, and he tried to explain he is hard on everyone he loves and I explained to him well it is not ok...
He did not argue with me... I appreciate all you guys helping me and telling me to be heard. I was just waiting to say it when he is in front of me.... Last nite I aksed him if he loved me and he said of course I do and very much...He said many beautiful things to me and seemed to know that I have been thru h*ll with this "OW" garbage and reassured me that I had NO REASON to worry. I duno where tommorrow will take me but I hope that I can stay strong and not give up on him and he will remember what he said and will work on him.
I know that after I post here and I think alot about my M I tend to bring these issues to the forefront...
For example I told him last nite that my very close friend whom he respects has a friend that knows "OW" and that she is basically not a very good person ( A wh*re)and he admitted that he knew that( found out) and that he was sorry,, normally he would have blown up but he listened. And I also told him I knew this when we were separated and chose to keep it to myself and let him find out for himself , basically pointing out the obvious that I am a Beautiful Human Being... WE had a great time at the bar and talked more about us... and he did not have more than two beers in 2 hours of talking so I know he was listening...
With your help and my strength I hope to help him see he needs to change and he keeps his word and accepts this challenge.
I know that when he feels my strength he knows I am serious and he will lose me, and he does not want to. I just needed to give myself permission to use my voice and risk him not accepting what I said. After my post yesterday I decided to risk it and dive in...He would either listen and follow me to a more blessed M or get angry and lose me...
Counseling I will work on in the next few weeks and see if he will follow me there to,, when he sees how much better our life can be when he manages his anger he will see that I was telling him all these things from a place of love and nowhere else.
Thank you all so much for helping me and my children to hopefully have a richer life... GOD bless...
I believe this will be the ultimately most loving thing you can do for your family and even your H.
I believe this too honey and it is what I commited to myself to do last nite,, he can join me or he can lose me. I will not be a WAW,,, ( even though I was ready to choke him LOL , I chose to use another strategy and I pray he really heard me!!!)
I WILL KEEP PRAYING AND HELPING HIM TO SEE THAT CHANGE IS GOOD AND I will commit to helping him see this behavior is not a part of loving someone.. If he does not choose to change in a matter of time I will then decide WHAT TO DO. I HOPE AFTER OUR LONG TALKS HE WILL KEEP IT IN HIS MIND AND CHOOSE TO WORK ON HIMSELF..... Time will tell. Keep me and my family in your prayers,, Please. GOD bless...
Well I am doing better ,, I am actually proud of myself...! I continue to use my voice and when I feel like I need to say somehting I do. I do not sugarcoat things any more...and at the same time I am not mean at all.
I am allowing myself to be heard. I also told my H that I would really like to start working out again. I used to work out 2 hours a day....
Yesterday my H came home early from work and we talked a little more about things and he seems to be doing soo much better. I am still focusing on me and changing me and working on being assertive.
Today I will take my kids trick or treating it is going to be fun and cold .. I hope you all have a great day.... God bless....
Sounds good Ali. It's weird, and Frank touched on it a bit on his thread; sometimes detaching is a bad thing once you get to a certain point in a sitch. I don't think you are there yet and while I think you CANNOT allow the abuse to continue, I also think one of the tools you can use to further that goal is to detach from worring about him or his state of mind. It's up to him to manage his anger and aggression, not you. It's up to you to manage YOUR happiness and thus not sweat the small stuff, his or otherwise (lol).
You sound great and I look forward to reading more about your newfound voice!
There will come a time when you can more safely "attach" but for now, pave your own path Ali.
GH thank you so much for your post. I agree the verbal abuse needs to stop and That I hope we can conquer together,,,What I am most proud of right now is me letting go and detaching again some and just being me.When you all posted to me last week. And especialy I rmeber when you said I was being stifled,, it all hit home and I knew that I had to start working on me again.
My H explained his feelings to me and said I act too comfortable and then i do not show him how I love him or that I love him which for him the list is kind of long...
But I want for him to do certain things for me too so I will have to keep a mental note in my head that everyday I should remember the gift of our M and try to nuture it....
For me when he gets ugly I retreat and I do not say much I do not act like myself... Since he has been home he has had a few outburts and thank GOD none of them verbal,, I listen and I validate and then I will later expalin why I may have done something and he misunderstood me.....
Lately I have been pointing out when he is hard on me and he does something so simliar it hurts and he will listen to me and get quiet.....
For instance my brother and his GF were at a Halloween party with us and all she could do was argue with my brother. My H and I were having a grat time and then.... he says do you want to go soon honey? Maybe we can go out? I replied sure it sounds like a great idea!! Then he says "should I invite your brother?" I answer "sure go ahead. ( I really did not want them to come along , I can only listen to her argue for so long..)
WE walk to our vehicle and then my brother comes up and says " WEll xxx wants to stop home for a bit (( all 3 of them except me had been drinking more than me , I had a glass of wine in 2 hours..) but I do not want her to drive.."
So I say well if you would like I will drive her and we will meet up with you two later.
( Mind you I am only trying to be nice b/c she has never really been nice to me, but I do have a heart..what is wrong with me, being nice sometimes feels like a curse!!LOL)
My brother decides to leave with her and they will meet us later,, my H decides we are no longer going out b/c I ruined it by getting involved and why did I not keep my Mouth shut? I listened and listened some more and then when he was all done I pointed out that he was just trting to be nice by inviting them and that I would have rather gone out alone that he and I have plenty of fun alone.. HE AGREED!
I also stated that I was not angry at him for inviting them b/c he was trying to be nice and he sed wel I thought change of atmosphere and she would be tolerable,, I explained you know that whenever we go otu with them even in public places she always gets ugly,, so even though you chose to invite them I hope you see if I was upset by it I could have told you but I do not take things to the extreme the way you do.
It would have been ok for you to tell me next time stay out of it cause that is ok but for you to get so upset and then we did not go out is a little much,,, I have opinions and you have opnions and we can express them and lately you get so upset over things like this,, now we did not get to go out some more.
Anyway we proceeded to watch a movie when we got home.. And he was ok.
In the past I would have not said a word or worse I would have argued with him,,, Instead I stayed calm listened , validated and explained how I felt as well. I am really proud of myself,, even yesterday he was being somewhat judgemental and I diffused him with kindness.
I am going to keep working on me and keep loving him,, but I do need to differentiate more and re- read DR and Passionate Marrriage again.
I need to stay strong even if he is not and not let him dictate my moods and this is difficult for me ,but I will keep trying until it becomes a habit... He is so much more than he used to be,,, I am looking forward to my growth and his as well...
Forgot to mention things I have done just for me in the past week: Went and got my Nails done and a Pedicure too,, that was a treat.
Also got a full body wax, that was interesting
layed on my bed in the middle of the afternoon to soak up the sun just like a CAT..
Went to my favorite thrift store and got some vintage jewelry just for me, spent a whole whopping 16.00 dollars on two necklaces....
and the best part is I did not feel one not one ounce of guilt... I am worth it and it is about time I show it.. rented CITY OF ANGELS just for me..
Sheesh I sure sound spoiled right about now,, , but you know what I deserve to do this for myself and this week I surely focused on doing things for me and I also spoil my H every chance I get, so why in Gods name am I trying to justify spoiling myself?
the lady who waxed me found out a little about what I recently went thru and how I stayed so serene with him so she asked me to pray for her cause she said well geez you are practically a saint,, I do not know of many women like you.. So I have prayed for her alot since I met her last week. She was so nice to me and it felt good to have someone tell me I am a good person.
I also have to run some errands and I hope I will have a good day and get everything accomplished,, My H took me for a loop last nite wen he called me, I had called earlier @ 11:45 p.m. and he did not answer, and then suddenly he calls me back awhile later and he was being so sweet..???????????????
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