I am reading my book Passionate Mariage once again and think I will try to read DB again too,, I love my H and want to keep working at this so I need to arm myself with some more knowledge maybe I missed something before... and will learn something new. I did read this today on page 182 and am going to write it
down so I can rememember it maybe you dont want to be with me-but that is not the same thing as rejecting me. You are my partner, you have the right to choose whom you want to be with.You can vote about whether or not you want to be with me,but you no longer get a vote about whether or not I am okay. The whole point is, I need to hold onto myself -especially if you dont want to hold me. I had this part underlined from when I read it back in May and also I found it interesting that I wrote myself a note on page 75 which is as follows... I felt so gloriously beautiful in xxxxxx eyes when we first met, I have to feel gloriously beautiful in my own eyes ( heart and mind)so in times of confusion I am still putting beauty into myself and my life..
Maybe for awhile I need to reread these books I wrote some really good stuff that I had forgotten about,, when I was young I used to love to read.
My H does seem to dictate my moods and I also read today that it is b/c I am insecure,,, BINGO.
When we were seperated I was detaching and really getting me back and I felt so good and I felt alot of confusion when we Reconciled alot of Happiness cause I had reached my Goal of keeping my Family intact and now I feel so powereless,, like he has me on a string,,, I love him but need to keep working on me like I was ,, I will be really busy these next few days with work but I need to make time to read everyday.
And I think I am going to start reading a new book every 2 weeks just for me for me to get stronger and for me to love myself,, I think that will be my greatest accomplishment ever to really let go and love me,, I was getting there and was there for awhile I felt so sure of myself and I have allowed myself to fall flat on my face and feel ugly again,,
My MOM always used to tell me I was ugly and worthless and much more.... IT WAS SAD REALLY...
I have been in a prison of my own making and even though he feels so different on the phone since he said that and does not want to talk about it like he never said it I will be me and work on not letting the fear take over.
I have always allowed others to take my Happiness except for the year I was single before I met my beloved Husband,, I felt so strong,, I was not lonely even though I was alone,, I went to schoOl I paid my own bills and I felt strong and free noone was allowed to make me feel bad I was strong, I was who I need to be again.
....the strong Woman who was proud of herself,, I am a very strong Woman I just need to find her again she made a small appereance while I was seperated and I do believe that is what drew my H back to me ,, the real me.
I am not the woman who is typing this now with a knot in her stomache as to what will happen when he comes home,, I miss him and I am excited but I am also scared....
I know it is impossible for him to stop loving me in a week but he feels different,, I am scared but I will work on me and be the person I know I am when he comes home and pretend he never hurt my feeling and if and when I see that he doe snot want to be a WAH again I will see about counseling for him, for now I wil work on me and geting my strength back and alow him to decide if he is in this for good, I refuse to give up but I need for him to stay cause he wants to and so I will let him see who I am and if he needs to leave again It will break my heart but I will know I did my best and I can live with that...
I can live with knowing that I was doing evrything I could and if he leaves we will both lose, I will lose the Man I want to spend the rest of my life with ( I do not need him to live but want him by my side b/c I love him) and he wilL lose a Woman who put her life in his hands and loved him and let him be himself and grow and fall down and get back up again, someone who helped him become the Man he is today,, a woman who jumped in and loved every inch of him.
SOMEONE WHO LOVED HIM UNCONDITIONALLY.
I do recognize that I have still been guarded with him and waiting for him to say this so I will try my best to jump in feet first even if I am afraid the water will be cold as ice,, I am going to jump in head first and use my intelligence and try like hell to let go of the fear that is residing in me...
What I felt a short while ago while I was working thru all this and the strength I had within myself and what I worked so hard for within myself I need to get that back and even though I am scared and I feel lost . I need to do this.
If I keep guarding the front door and do not find me I will lose ,, I will lose me and he will lose me too,, I am smarter than this I better roll up my sleeves and get to work on me,, the best gift I can give to myself and I must do this...
Today when I woke up I felt this fear and yet I also have this great sense of peace it is all around me and the strange thing is that when I went to run errands everyone my eyes met with smiled at me and smiled at me in a way I have never felt before it was strange to me when they smiled at me I felt as though they were smiling at me like you would smile if you saw an Angel .... maybe my Guardian Angel is working overtime.. it was strangely beautiful,, sounds crazy I am sure but it filled me with so much peace....
I find beauty in everything but now I need to find it in myself!!!!!! .... and right now it eludes me but I am going to find it within me and then I can reach the stars while here on Earth...
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING A PART OF MY JOURNEY...
GOD BLESS....
