Thank you all so much for your posts and youR kindness,,,
BND.. yes it seems that my world is him b/c I allow him to suck me into his pain and anger and internalize it.. bad.
Also I am a very intelligent articulate, bright, funny,amazing woman and he knows this and I know this and yet I allow him to take it from me oce in awhile.

I was so strong towards the end of our sepration < I had detached enough from him not to let him get to me.
I would love to have lots of outtside interests but his business takes alot of my time and also I have 5 kids,, one lives with my MOM and the other four are at home. I also maitain my home and it is mostly always very clean, gets a litttle messy from time to time b/c of the kids.
An example of my day is this..
I get up and check the weather( My H wworks outside , consturction and runs 4 crews) . I "help" my H get ready for his day it is too early for breakfast but on days it is not I make him one, not cereal ever< I make him a good ol Fashioned hearty one... he is off to work and I start my day, I get the kids ready fro school and then I proceed to clean the house put laundry in etc, etc, and then thru out the day I need to keep tabs on the weather and also give directions to jobsites when the street is Hard to find on map,, I organize receipts from days before and then sometimes it seems as if my day is gone and I prepare dinner for my children,, they get home from school and give them their dinner and I then will sometimes < most times< cook my H something entirely different. I make homeade salsa, homeade everything we are hispanic,, anyway you get the jist of my day,, and that is a simple easy day,, there are days of course when things do not go so smoothly...


Basically like I say to my friends he goes to work and yes that is a hard job but I do everything else,, I balance the check book send the bills out etc. etc. And here is a picture of me ,, my 14 year old thought I should get a private xanga space cause he knows I like to journal my days,,
but I have yet to start there b/c I am always here http://www.xanga.com/alimari He is my only child plus my 17 year old that knew of the seperation. He made it private so that I could keep my thoughts in there and noone would see he told me,, it is an electronic private journal he told me.. I am remarried so my H's little ones who are 9,8,7 never knew.
Anyway I guess I am rambling but I cannot sleep I haveto get up tomorrow at 4 am to check the weather and get an invoice out and get the crews the addresses to go their jobsites,, this is what my H normally does.. I see now why when he is home he gets stressed once in awhile... so this is what is so perculiar that he is on "vacation" and being so ugly.
And actually almost everytime he goes down there in the past few years except for once he suddenly gets ugly with me.. he will walways say I am not being like this cause I am down here,, even when I do not say that is why he is being ugly..
GH- you are sooo right too and yes I wanted to be lifted up a little but you know I soooooo appreciate your input,, I actually Thank God that anyone would respond to me on Sunday it is a blessing...When we first reconciled In August and up until a couple of weks ago I felt that we were headed in the right direction he was changing and not being angry ,, we FINALLY got thru the other woman stuff and he was being awesome and respecting me,,, the old him was gone and little by little it is coming back..
And yes I have to find me again and your post made me cry,, you are so right,, I am guarding the door and WHAM he still makes off with me, my self esteem and my worth,, I dunno he sort of blindsided me this past week nice ,hot ,cold ,flirting then ugly. I cannot keep up.

WCW- thank you for that IT did really help and that is has I had been these past 2 weeks or even during this whole ordeal,, I let him keep his anger so I dunno why I am feeling so weak,, I thought about it alot today and I think the weakness comes from him being in Mexico and so close in proximity to where the "OW" lives,, cause I was doing so wel in my own strenth and not being weak.
I was feeling so good about myself and not feeling scared just a little apprehensive that he was going and now this..

Anyway he will arrive on Wed. and I already feel bettter as I type this and after reading everything you all wrote..

I am going to work on me and love him but like I stated this morning if he continues as much as I love him which is an unconditonal love and b/c my heart is his . I do not think I can live like this with him much longer,, I will always love him but that does not mean I have to put up wwith him treating me like this,,I refuse to give up but need to find me again.

just before he left I was working on my assertiveness and he loved it and now that he is down there he seems to have just turned around and wants me to be this scared little mouse...

AT 9 pm I just got done going thru invoices with his bosses nephew and I have to make adjustments to them, which I will do when I am done posting here...I also believe this is why I allow what he says to hurt and I am going to have to let him own it from now on and not get weak anymore b/c I am a good WIFE, MOTHER AND OVERALL I AM A beautiful Human Being and treat others with sooo much respect and my H too, so it hurts when I live with integrity and get treated like I am yesterdays trash.All the while we were seperated AND EVEN AFTER I FOUND OUT @ "ow" I PRAYED FOR HIM AND NOT FOR GOD TO MAKE HIM LOVE ME AGAIN BUT TO HELP HIM AND RESTORE HIM AND HELP HIM TO FIND HAPPINESS,, he is back with me but inside he is not happy and does not love himself and only he can give himself that gift and the sad part is he still does not get it,,I can love him until I AM BLUE IN THE FACE AND UNTIL HE LOVES HIMSELF HE WILL NOT FEEL ME...
God bless...