I was going to post something similar to Brandnewday.
I see a LOT of you judging your success/failure based on what his reaction to you is. Your entire sense of well-being seems wrapped up in him. Your center is not within you, it's in Mexico right now being stifled.
If you are truly on the path toward reconciliation, your H has to contribute something to that. It can't be you throwing yourself out there, only to be rebuffed 99% of the time.
Your H can be, and lately IS an abusive jerk. If he is totally unable to process that and admit that his continuing to be that way towards you is a large part of the problem, then that's not good.
I know you want a "pick-me-up" right now Ali, but I think you have somehow forgotten that there is no such think other than that which you manifest from within.
Your happiness is so externalized right now and so you continue to be pulled down further and further as it slips away from you.
Take control back. Take your happiness back from him, the world, everyone. Just BE.
You are trying SO hard to keep your sanity but you're only guarding the front door, all the while it escapes out the back and he's driving the get-away car.
Shoot out the tires and calmly walk out to get what's yours.
I see in you the capacity for love and living beyond what you are showing right now.
You can't control him, nor should you accept him long-term without him learning to control himself.
Ali, you are a strong woman and if things go that way in my sitch, my W renewing her destructive behavior after I thought we were working things out, I would likely loose it too but I would hope you would be there to tell me that I need not loose my sanity, my hope, my love, just because things don't go the way I want them to.
If we learn nothing from all this other than that life doesn't EVER conform to our expectations, we have learned one of life's most elusive lessons.
Learn to take back your life today Ali. I know you can do that. I know you can.
