thank you for replying, I do not know why but when you reply to my posts it really hits home, you made me cry. No I actually just had my monthly but yes I get really emotional too,
I can just feel when he pulls away I always have. I know he loves me but this hurts that he just throws around those words so lightly,, I have been occasionally dragged thru the depths of h*ll by him and I get up brush off my knees and try again,, I feel scared that I want to just give up to.
I do not think I will ever stop loving him for as long as I live I just feel love for him always in my heart and I have told him this,, AND I GUESS THAT AFTER ALL HE HAS PUT ME THRU I PUT UP A WALL,, a military type wall that I would not let him in, I feel as though I finally let him in.
But from what he tells me and even if he seems unreasonable expecting me to move mountains and be exactly what he needs me to be I always try but I feel the fight leaving my body like if he cannot see my love I dunno what else to do.
I am really going to work on this but I will admit it is really hard,, I feel like I give him everything but at the same time I do live with the dread that he will leave again and I think it does spill over into my love for him and my interactions with him...
I have always been trying to fight this feeling of mine but as a child I never felt safe and really noone not one person ever showed me I was valuable or that I was loved and I have carried that with me for a while my H has these same issues only he does not talk about them,, he knows his Dad always loved him but he was abused by his mother both Mentally and Physically as a child ...
I know I still have work to do to just be free, that is why I titled this thread finally feel free,, but I have a ways to yet I see now cause when he pulls the rug I fall hard.
Also I do realize that his inner demons take over and I can not fill him up enough and when I get "comfortable" with him as he says I think it is uncomfortable for him cause he is not comfortable with himself..
I dunno just rambling what comes into my head..
I know these things...
I know that I love him I know that that he loves me
and I know that that is not enough,, I know I am scared , scared to love him , scared not love him,, scared to jump in with both feet and not look back not wait for the other shoe to fall.
I know that he has a power of me like no other, when I see hoim I melt like I havenot seen him for 10 years,, he is my everything and when I ask him if knows this he replies no..
I know I can not give up I know I have to try harder even if it seems hard, I have to try harder even if it seeems like I am walking backwards. I know I truly feel weary and I need to get down on my knees and pray and then get back up and try harder.
I did this when he cheated the first time( never got confirmed by him), I did this the second time when I got a letter in the mail and it was for a DNA test and then he had to admit it, and the third confirmed time this April when he admitted to an EA that ended in febryary and then the fourth time when he sed it was over with the "OW".
I have gotten trhu all that with the help of GOD but like I sed now I am feeling weary,, he even sed last nite this is not @ other girls I am here at my parents,, well thank you for the info and if you are refering to me as a girl too I thought OH H*LL NO I AM ALL WOMAN...
I have to get up off the floor and get to bussiness,, this will only make stronger,, I acn feel the strength coming into me as I type this and even a little while before I read your post,, I can do this I acn love him but can he open up HIS heart and let me in,, I will vow to myself to work harder to show love and be open and available but can he receive it?
That is the 20 million dollar question.. GOD bless...
