Alimari, my bomb was dropped almost 4 years ago and my D has been final a year and a half. Despite the end of my M, I always felt it was more than worthwhile to work on repairing my R with my XH--not from a standpoint of us getting back together, but showing myself and my daughters that I could heal what had hurt because I love them that much.
That being said... it has only been in the past 6 months that my XH has shared any inkling of his soul searching. He's pretty much echoed what OT has said. Knowing that they were the cause of a train wreck of epic proportion that maimed plenty of people in the process is not an easy thing to face.
I suspect if I had inflicted that much hurt and harm on people I loved I'd want it to magically disappear too. On top of that, my XH has shared that his most insurmountable obstacle in healing from this experience is his inability to forgive himself for what he's done.
It's not enough that I've forgiven him. It's not enough that our parents, siblings and friends have forgiven him. It's not enough that his daughter is actively working on forgiving him. It's all about how he feels about himself. And that is something he's just gonna have to do all by himself. I can encourage it and help, but I can't do that work for him.
Hell, I had a hard enough time forgiving myself for becoming someone who had been so unloving. So I encourage self healing first.
Hugs,
Betsey
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I also had a hard time forgiving myself for being absent for soooooo long,, in my own M . that said he hurt me sooo much that I thought if I just went along and walked around the elephant in my living room one day it would all be ok. It took this whole my h wanting out of our M to make me fall flat on my face and begin to take a heard look at myself and change. I forgave myself for going into my cave b/c he had cheated on me the 1st time (of several, one led to a DNA/ Paternity test)) and wanting to protect myself that I was no longer me, I had forgiven him but in the process of not working on me and waiting for him to change . I almost lost something very dear to me.
My H would soley blame me and tell me during this you have noone to blame but yourself , he never took on any of the blame, he never felt his cheating turned me into something I had not been. Sure it is no excuse for me not working on me b/c he would cheat,, so when he said he wanted to D me, something in me snapped,, it hurt more than I can ever explain and I changed,, I am so calm now and have an innner peace that I have been needing for sooooooo long.
I do have compassion for my H and I do realize he knows he hurt me , but the way he "acts" it honestly never came to my mind that he felt bad for what he had done to me,, the way he talks to me once in awhile I felt like he thought I deserved everything he did to me and he did not have much remorse. He did apologize for hurting me with her long before he chose to love me again.......
Just a few weeks ago I asked him kept calling @ 4am and he snapped,( I had asked him this before and he had not reacted this way, and mind you I do not ask as though I am mad, I am just curious).. he I guess had seen a "look" on my face ( I felt hurt and stupid for thinking about the OW possibly calling and I was trying to hide it but he has been with me for 10 years I did not do a very good job,
and later he got really angry when I spoke to him on the phone, started calling me a STUPID B*tch etc. etc and I calmy replied ".....you know I am only human I never mentioned it to you and you asked what was wrong and I asked you who was calling and yes if you assumed I thought it was her you are right but I am only human and I am not trying to argue or even talk about her,, I know she still cares for you so possibly it was her calling you,, it was not too long ago she was calling constantly. I did not mean to hurt your feelings I was just being honest,, During this whole process I have not called you bad names , not ONCE and I know you can not control wether or not she calls you but please remember I am only human.."
I really appreciate you all posting this,, it helps me to heal even further,, this is the hardest thing I have ever done,,,,
I have worked on me and forgiven myself and my H and I see that I still have more work to do,, your post and OTs are surely a blessing to me and my M...
I often say to myself that I hope by this time next year I will be more whole and more close to fully healing,,,
I am happier than I have ever been in a VEEEERRRRYYYY LLOOOOONNGGGGG time and I realize that I have more to learn,,, Thank you again and May God bless you both for opening my eyes even more and also for helping me to see my h and love him with even more compassion.I knew he felt somewhat bad but I never really thought maybe he has this much PAIN like you all explained possibly cause this is not the first time he has hurt me like this..... Thank you again for opening my eyes,, this is big for me..... God bless...
