Thanks you all for your support,, my H comes back on Sunday..
Today I spoke to him and had really good news about something that he had been worried about and when I spoke to him of it he said" I am tired I was about to take a nap..." and so he was dry with me on the phone. He seems stressed and he is on Vacation with his DAD...?
I dunno I think he worries toooo much @ everything,, I will pray for him.
Yes the DR. informed him to use them only during a panic attack.
I also have low grade anxiety,, it had been getting better, and it seems to be soooooooooooooooooooo high this week while he is gone cause I am trying so hard to get the house organized for myself and for him when he arrives,, our second Honeymoon,, and I slacked on keeping the house in tip top shape some,, plus we are self employed plus we got audited last year and this year hired Tax attorneys to help us .
Alot on our plate right now.
...so I want to have all that in order for when he returns so there is less on our plate and he can maybe "TRY " to be more relaxed.
I am doing well and not being worried @ "OW" all of to do list is keeping me occupied until like now when I have time to breathe. In my heart I do not feel woried @ "OW" so I pray my heart is right....
I have not sat down all day until now... I got alot of what I wanted to get done today done and tommorrow I plan to do more,, the house looks beautiful--- just about---- and I also cleaned his truck that he uses for work today.
I had 2 of my very close friends offer to help.. that was soo nice of them.
I thank you all for checking in on me and I will keep working hard this week and keep myself busy so I do not let my mind wander and get upset that maybe "OW" will try to go down to see my hubby.
I love him very much and I want us to get thru this tough time of his.. he is a very wonderful person he just needs to take it slower... and let go of alot of anger..
What feels so good to me is that I am being strong and I am not letting this get to me and I have not had one panic attack.....
...the anxiety I have felt these past few days is high,, I hope soon it will subside..
I am too much of a perfectionist and I am a little too hard on myself as well.
I am spring cleaning in October,, give me a break..LOL
But it has a dual purpose,, my H will come home to a extremely clean organized home and we will have more time together.
I also hope to get this Tax nightmare out of the way so that he/we will not have to be worried about that anymore.....
My H has called me twice since I last posted and is in great spirits,, he talked to me the first time over 30 minutes and he was sounding soooooooo happy,, he got a little upset when we touched on the subject of work but I stayed calm and he said I am not trying to sound rude ... much better!
he really made my evening and his PMA really made me feel happy and made me feel as though he will return at least somewhat rested... ...he then called again a bit ago and talked to me again and was flirting with me...
I answered the phone and he started with " WHOS my hot tamale? etc. etc. ...this is the Man I fell in love with and he had been acting like this for a while now.But every now and again he turns into someone I do not want to hear....
When he gets back ,, I would really like for him to work on his "STUFF" ,, I hope he is up to it and I will address it gently....
You know this is how I always wanted to interact with him but we never could ,, in an open and honest relationship where we both feel loved and respected,,, his dark moments are ugly and then he is like this..just beautiful and so full of life. I know it can not always be like this but he started to get frustrated @ work and he let it go,,, this I would love to see more...
Thank you all again for your support it means sooooo much to me and my family cause they reap the benefits of all your help...keping me strong!
I had another busy day,, I feel like I am not getting anything done and yet I am I just want to be done with everything.... I am busy on the phone a bit with people that work for my h,, and trying to get stuff done around here.. I guess it is really hot down there and our D9 is having a blast... My h talked to me 3x today and he did well, no moodiness or dryness, he was flirting with me again. I told him I missed him and I loved him,, and he sounded happy....he did not say those things back but that is ok he is showing me he loves me but I have explained to him it means alot to me when you say the words and for him he always says show me do not tell me.. So I guess even though I love hearing ILY,, he told me so on Saturday,, I will have to be ok with his way of "showing" me.
I just sometimes feel like he is stingy with the words ILY and I love to hear tthem....plus he did have his MOM right next to him he told me . ....so generally he is more reserved when she is next to him. She is a very controlling person. I wonder if he will want our whole Family to go to Mexico this Christmas we used to go every year up until 2 Christmas' ago. I must admit the thought petrifies me....his Mom is very 2 faced and I have a hard time with people who are not real.
Anyway enough rambling. Just wanted to post my thoughts for the day as random as they are. I hope tommorrow is a better day for me and for all of you. take care and God bless...
You sound good and it seems your H has stopped his snappy-ness with you. Keep doing what you are doing as it appears to be working. Remember also that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. You are doing well for standing up for yourself. It is clear your H needs some help. You know this and hopefully he knows this.
It sounds so good to hear you happy when he talks to you with respect and gives you the loving words you so deserve. Keep it up. Your positive influence on your R/M is doing wonders!
Alimari, my bomb was dropped almost 4 years ago and my D has been final a year and a half. Despite the end of my M, I always felt it was more than worthwhile to work on repairing my R with my XH--not from a standpoint of us getting back together, but showing myself and my daughters that I could heal what had hurt because I love them that much.
That being said... it has only been in the past 6 months that my XH has shared any inkling of his soul searching. He's pretty much echoed what OT has said. Knowing that they were the cause of a train wreck of epic proportion that maimed plenty of people in the process is not an easy thing to face.
I suspect if I had inflicted that much hurt and harm on people I loved I'd want it to magically disappear too. On top of that, my XH has shared that his most insurmountable obstacle in healing from this experience is his inability to forgive himself for what he's done.
It's not enough that I've forgiven him. It's not enough that our parents, siblings and friends have forgiven him. It's not enough that his daughter is actively working on forgiving him. It's all about how he feels about himself. And that is something he's just gonna have to do all by himself. I can encourage it and help, but I can't do that work for him.
Hell, I had a hard enough time forgiving myself for becoming someone who had been so unloving. So I encourage self healing first.
Hugs,
Betsey
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I also had a hard time forgiving myself for being absent for soooooo long,, in my own M . that said he hurt me sooo much that I thought if I just went along and walked around the elephant in my living room one day it would all be ok. It took this whole my h wanting out of our M to make me fall flat on my face and begin to take a heard look at myself and change. I forgave myself for going into my cave b/c he had cheated on me the 1st time (of several, one led to a DNA/ Paternity test)) and wanting to protect myself that I was no longer me, I had forgiven him but in the process of not working on me and waiting for him to change . I almost lost something very dear to me.
My H would soley blame me and tell me during this you have noone to blame but yourself , he never took on any of the blame, he never felt his cheating turned me into something I had not been. Sure it is no excuse for me not working on me b/c he would cheat,, so when he said he wanted to D me, something in me snapped,, it hurt more than I can ever explain and I changed,, I am so calm now and have an innner peace that I have been needing for sooooooo long.
I do have compassion for my H and I do realize he knows he hurt me , but the way he "acts" it honestly never came to my mind that he felt bad for what he had done to me,, the way he talks to me once in awhile I felt like he thought I deserved everything he did to me and he did not have much remorse. He did apologize for hurting me with her long before he chose to love me again.......
Just a few weeks ago I asked him kept calling @ 4am and he snapped,( I had asked him this before and he had not reacted this way, and mind you I do not ask as though I am mad, I am just curious).. he I guess had seen a "look" on my face ( I felt hurt and stupid for thinking about the OW possibly calling and I was trying to hide it but he has been with me for 10 years I did not do a very good job,
and later he got really angry when I spoke to him on the phone, started calling me a STUPID B*tch etc. etc and I calmy replied ".....you know I am only human I never mentioned it to you and you asked what was wrong and I asked you who was calling and yes if you assumed I thought it was her you are right but I am only human and I am not trying to argue or even talk about her,, I know she still cares for you so possibly it was her calling you,, it was not too long ago she was calling constantly. I did not mean to hurt your feelings I was just being honest,, During this whole process I have not called you bad names , not ONCE and I know you can not control wether or not she calls you but please remember I am only human.."
I really appreciate you all posting this,, it helps me to heal even further,, this is the hardest thing I have ever done,,,,
I have worked on me and forgiven myself and my H and I see that I still have more work to do,, your post and OTs are surely a blessing to me and my M...
I often say to myself that I hope by this time next year I will be more whole and more close to fully healing,,,
I am happier than I have ever been in a VEEEERRRRYYYY LLOOOOONNGGGGG time and I realize that I have more to learn,,, Thank you again and May God bless you both for opening my eyes even more and also for helping me to see my h and love him with even more compassion.I knew he felt somewhat bad but I never really thought maybe he has this much PAIN like you all explained possibly cause this is not the first time he has hurt me like this..... Thank you again for opening my eyes,, this is big for me..... God bless...
My husband has a hard time with ILY words too. Another thing I've come to realize is he doesn't like to be touched too much. While I tend to pour sweet words and love to hug and I'm very "touchey-feely."
I think the main thing to realize is it isn't us or a rejection of us, it's just the way they are.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Thanks for that root, I agree. Sometimes I have felt he does it to be mean or to get back at me for the past and then I let those fears subside and I realize this is just him.He says it so much less but it feels real now..
Thank you so much for taking time to check on me. God bless..
Update.. I am feeling insecure,, my H went to a border town In texas with his sister,, "OW"'S good friend. To buy some things for his Family and I am sure he will not see "OW" but she only lives an hour from where he went.. Any thoughts? I know I can not control what he does but I need some supportive words or some 2 x 4's.. thanks... God bless...
