I feel like maybe this the slow beginning of a new phase in my strugggle, struggle with my inner critic, with my pessimissim, with my self doubt ,an inner stuggle with myself to feel happy and beautiful regardless of anything.
How have I stayed so calm re/ the OW? To him it is unbelievable, I know this.. to me it is somewhat puzzling.. but I know that I am a beautiful special worthwhile WOMAN. I have alot to offer and I have not been so strong in the past and somedays I fall flat on my face and then today,I wake up with a sense of itll be ok, the Roller Coaster ride continues but I sense that there will be progress along with backslides but as long as I give from a place of genuine love and caring .How can that be bad? My strength seems to have renewed.
WAS it b/c yesterday again out of the blue when we spoke in the am he said ILY to me? Possibly? bur hes said it a handful of times, this is the first time that it seemed to actually touch my heart and seemed sincere. Dunno for sure.. b/c I am not him but none the less it felt good. The other day he acknowledged I have changed but still do some of my other things, so I am not there yet so to speak.
Fine ,I will keep polishing the Diamond that I know I am, underneath all the insecurity. Self inflicted insecurty, Many men would surely find me attractive and want to spend their lives with me, But they are not him. Like I told him On Monday nite, I can go somewhere right now and find myself a distraction the way you have ,but it would surely be a lie that I am telling to my soul. Noone is you ,noone has your eyes , your smile, your being, your soul, your smell, noone does things the way you do. I cannot replace you because there is noone who compares with you ,For me ,and I love you still ,that I will never deny, You are my beginning and my end and all of this may sound silly to you ,but thats how I feel about you.
I also said never did I imagine a love so beautiful and strong. I never thought Id love someone the way I love you ,it doesnt fade ,it doesnt end, its always been you , my heart belongs to you.
does it hurt that this Rooler Coaster ride was not initiated by me sure it does, but I will get thru it. I know b/c he has been bold enough To let me know here and there what I meant/MEAN to him, so at least I know that what I still feel was real that I am not as big of a fool like I feel I am . If loving him like that helps him return and my children get to see us grow old together in a new place of respect AND admiration,interaction. What better gift can I possibly give?
The discomfort of him not giving too much back to me right now does not outweigh the benefits that will be reaped when my Goal is reached. if my goal is not reached I can one day know , that Without a doubt I gave our family a fighting chance by not giving up because of the: discomfort lonliness frustration neediness sadness desperation fear pain tears helplessness Instead, I harnessed my strength and prayed for a new beginning another chance to be seen as someone worthy of spending the rest of your life with, harnessed my inner beauty to be loving without measure, to let him stretch and grow and decide to either close the door for good or realize there is something so Beautiful And precious I am about to leave behind and can I really live without the love we once shared ?
I know that I cannot comfortablY walk away and close the door, Only God will be able to help him open his eyes and see me as whole again and worthy. I will allow myself to feel worthy even in moments of doubt I am truly a beautiful woman that God has blessed with an inner strength that even surprises me. A gift I give to my husband with open arms. I pray it will make a difference , I continue to wait for a miracle, while still living and seeing that life is a gift I cannot afford to waste anymore. Come with me and enjoy all the beauty I have to share but come with me willingly not b/c you are unsure ,love me with abandon and give yourself to me alone there isnt room for her. I will make you one of the happiest men on earth if only youd allow it. pray for you and your salvation b/c I love you that much. Be well and I will keep becoming who iI need to be for myself and also for you to enjoy if you choose to return. I know where I am but he is lost God bless him please.
Love CAN feel SO good , I choose to love and he cant convince me otherwise Find yourself and take your time . But make real lasting changes, dont rush. You know I am here.
GOD PLEASE HELP ME FEEL THIS BEAUTIFUL TOMMORROW
-------------------- I posted this on June 22,2006 and I put it here because I feel that strength I had then leaving me and I would like to remind myself I AM STRONG>>>> I will survive,, if I survived the pain of this and came thru I can do this, h*ll I can do anything..... God bless....
