(((Ali))) You responded to my post on the "separated" board, so I thought I'd come over here to visit your thread. I am so sorry that these last few days have been so emotionally draining for you. You are unbelievably strong, and are very inspirational for me. You seem to know the right things to do (and know your H so well), but your H is certainly making it hard to make forward progress. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care - Lemondrop
Your husband sounds extremely tense. I could be wrong here, but he sounds like someone who might need medication to calm down.
I know you love him and want to help him, but the words he's calling you are abusive. That's verbal abuse and it's just as damaging as physical abuse.
Maybe you should look for some books about this, find out why this happens and how to deal with it. Since you want to make your marriage work and this is not a healthy situation, I think you should probably read about it, methods of treating it, etc...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I could be wrong here, but he sounds like someone who might need medication to calm down. -----------------------------------------------------------
.....he does have "Xanex" type meds that were prescribed to calm him down,, he is super tense.... I hope he is relaxed when he comes home. But this is something that he will have to work on. Because I am strong but it affects me in the way that sure I can let it go but then I pull back and I am not the vibrant loving person I normally would be.
And I do not like holding back because now that I feel how good it feels to be free,, like the title of my thread it has freed me to be me and enjoy my life,, it feels like I am really living now... I LOVE MY h IN A WAY I HAVE NOT LOVED HIM IN A LONG TIME.. HE IS THE MAN I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH ,, I DO NOT NEED him TO SURVVIVE but he is the Man I choose to be by my side and walk with me.. so I hope we can get thru this. like I have said all during this, I read somehwere.." love him the most when he deserves it the least.." he called today and told me what he and D9 did today and I was happy for him,, I left him a VM this morning and told him to stop worrying about work that I have it covered and there was no reason for him to blow up like that,, I said I understand your frustration, but the idea of you to go see your DAD was for you to relax and enjoy so do that and have a great day.. When he called this afternoon he was somewhat dry and it made me uncomfortable but I was ok and I am ok...he did not mention the VM...
he never does,, he will not bring up what he did and he rarely apologizes.
So to me it was a Miracle even before we reconciled that he would apologize for hurting me ( the OW) and I did not even ask for him to, I told him that day when he left he could go and be happy with her and I wished him a good life. I still remember the shock that after I found out and pushed him away he called me three times that day and called me that nite to tell me he was sorry....
Wow this has been a journey and the ugly is over but now I want this to be better than ever so I hope to keep strong and I pray that he will stop this and realize it is not good to talk to me that way,, I dunno if he ever will though...
He vascilates between being so beautiful most of the time and being an ogre once in awhile....
I love him and will do my best to hold onto myself and pray that he grows....
I feel like maybe this the slow beginning of a new phase in my strugggle, struggle with my inner critic, with my pessimissim, with my self doubt ,an inner stuggle with myself to feel happy and beautiful regardless of anything.
How have I stayed so calm re/ the OW? To him it is unbelievable, I know this.. to me it is somewhat puzzling.. but I know that I am a beautiful special worthwhile WOMAN. I have alot to offer and I have not been so strong in the past and somedays I fall flat on my face and then today,I wake up with a sense of itll be ok, the Roller Coaster ride continues but I sense that there will be progress along with backslides but as long as I give from a place of genuine love and caring .How can that be bad? My strength seems to have renewed.
WAS it b/c yesterday again out of the blue when we spoke in the am he said ILY to me? Possibly? bur hes said it a handful of times, this is the first time that it seemed to actually touch my heart and seemed sincere. Dunno for sure.. b/c I am not him but none the less it felt good. The other day he acknowledged I have changed but still do some of my other things, so I am not there yet so to speak.
Fine ,I will keep polishing the Diamond that I know I am, underneath all the insecurity. Self inflicted insecurty, Many men would surely find me attractive and want to spend their lives with me, But they are not him. Like I told him On Monday nite, I can go somewhere right now and find myself a distraction the way you have ,but it would surely be a lie that I am telling to my soul. Noone is you ,noone has your eyes , your smile, your being, your soul, your smell, noone does things the way you do. I cannot replace you because there is noone who compares with you ,For me ,and I love you still ,that I will never deny, You are my beginning and my end and all of this may sound silly to you ,but thats how I feel about you.
I also said never did I imagine a love so beautiful and strong. I never thought Id love someone the way I love you ,it doesnt fade ,it doesnt end, its always been you , my heart belongs to you.
does it hurt that this Rooler Coaster ride was not initiated by me sure it does, but I will get thru it. I know b/c he has been bold enough To let me know here and there what I meant/MEAN to him, so at least I know that what I still feel was real that I am not as big of a fool like I feel I am . If loving him like that helps him return and my children get to see us grow old together in a new place of respect AND admiration,interaction. What better gift can I possibly give?
The discomfort of him not giving too much back to me right now does not outweigh the benefits that will be reaped when my Goal is reached. if my goal is not reached I can one day know , that Without a doubt I gave our family a fighting chance by not giving up because of the: discomfort lonliness frustration neediness sadness desperation fear pain tears helplessness Instead, I harnessed my strength and prayed for a new beginning another chance to be seen as someone worthy of spending the rest of your life with, harnessed my inner beauty to be loving without measure, to let him stretch and grow and decide to either close the door for good or realize there is something so Beautiful And precious I am about to leave behind and can I really live without the love we once shared ?
I know that I cannot comfortablY walk away and close the door, Only God will be able to help him open his eyes and see me as whole again and worthy. I will allow myself to feel worthy even in moments of doubt I am truly a beautiful woman that God has blessed with an inner strength that even surprises me. A gift I give to my husband with open arms. I pray it will make a difference , I continue to wait for a miracle, while still living and seeing that life is a gift I cannot afford to waste anymore. Come with me and enjoy all the beauty I have to share but come with me willingly not b/c you are unsure ,love me with abandon and give yourself to me alone there isnt room for her. I will make you one of the happiest men on earth if only youd allow it. pray for you and your salvation b/c I love you that much. Be well and I will keep becoming who iI need to be for myself and also for you to enjoy if you choose to return. I know where I am but he is lost God bless him please.
Love CAN feel SO good , I choose to love and he cant convince me otherwise Find yourself and take your time . But make real lasting changes, dont rush. You know I am here.
GOD PLEASE HELP ME FEEL THIS BEAUTIFUL TOMMORROW
-------------------- I posted this on June 22,2006 and I put it here because I feel that strength I had then leaving me and I would like to remind myself I AM STRONG>>>> I will survive,, if I survived the pain of this and came thru I can do this, h*ll I can do anything..... God bless....
UNODOSTRESCUATRO I AM POSTING LINKS TO MY PREVIOUS THREADS,,,, YAY me !!!!!
I finally learned how to do this I am so proud of myself...
so that I can read thru them,, I sometimes go back and reread my own posts and the ones I received from others for strength..
God bless...
I think it's great that you're sticking it out and working on remaining calm in the face of so much verbal abuse.
However, I think it's obvious your H has a problem and needs some counseling. Do you think he would be willing to do something like that? He has some serious anger issues and it pains me to hear that he's taking so much out on you.
Hey hon, just posting to let you know that I'm keeping u in my prayers so you can remain strong and make the right decisions.
I wonder if the Xanax is having an adverse effect, has he seen a dr lately? maybe he needs to switch meds, overall, do you think the meds have helped? maybe he needs something else.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I AM DOING EVRYTHING ON MY END,, REMAINING CALM WHEN HE BLOWS UP,, AND SOMETIMES I THINK IT IS ALMOST LIKE HE WANTS ME TO ARGUE BACK,, B/C I USED TO . wHEN HE WOULD GET LIKE THIS I used to call him on it get upset cry and scream that he needed to stop.
When we got seperated something in me snapped and I was a puddle of sadness and then when I got back up I was different .
I am very, very calm Now. I HAVE AN INNER PEACE EVEN HIS OUTBURTS CAN NOT TAKE FROM ME, I know I will be alright,, that I am whole , that I am valuable, that I am me and I deserve to be loved the way I love. That is probably why the other day he said".. do not talk calmy to me .."
"we" no you are a B*TCH,, so stop trying to pretend. Not that what he said is ok ( CAUSE W/O A DOUBT IT IS WRONG)but I really think he is trying to pull me back into old patterns,, I will not follow him on this path any more,, I have told him this repeatedly.
"I am calm and I do not want to argue so you can rant and rave all you want you are not going to pull me in,,"
.... he will even occasionally say to me.." I am sorry I am getting angry "and I will reply" you do not have to apologize for getting frustated I do not take it personal anymore. " " I KNOW YOU LOVE ME.."
But when he gets home I would like to clarify with him,,there is a huge difference between getting frustated and being verbally abusive.
..... when he gets back from MEXICO, I will take him to see our DR. again and try and convince him to see "C" like he was told to ...by her...
I know he loves me but he needs to let go of this behavior not only for my sanity but for his own as well,,, he has always been somewhat like this but now with the anxiety it is worse and he seems to think I am partly to blame he doesn't realize he controls his moods and b/c he loves me and then is emotionally connected to me when he gets upset with me he gets emotional and gets too angry...
I know he can overcome this he just has to want to.
Thank you for your support and prayers it means the world to me.
From what I've been told xanex or xanex-like meds should not be used regularly because they are addictive (they are only appropriate for rare times of high stress).
But antidepressants, even at a low-dose, can help keep a person more even-tempered and reduce wild swings of emotion. Also they don't have that same risk of being highly addictive.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
