I dunno guys,, I am feling good but like I am losing the battle to get his emotions in check,, he is vascilating between sweet syrup and poison again...
He was loving in one conversation and then an hour later talking about "work"again he blows up and called me a dumb a$$ B*tch,, and then when my voice remained calm no tears.( I was proud of myself) he said do not call me honey and do not talk in that soft voice you know you are a B*tch and I know you are a B*TCH so quit pretending... I was in a great mood and you riuned it and mind you I never once raised my voice or said anything rude,, he had ben riding my a$$ all day. And it was my fault everyone who was in the room with him left cause he lost his temoer and raised his voice...
I took the kids with me to pay his crews and by the time I did everything we got home at 7 pm and I left the house at 8:45 am....
I have everything under control and I have 2 crews starting a jobs tommorrow also and it is Sunday... he said do you need me to come back and do all that for you cause you can not handle it,, I said actually no , I am doing fine and I told you yesterday I did not want you to talk about work or wory when you are gone . I wanted you to enjoy yourself.
...so I do not know why we are discussing this,,,,
he had previosly told me while I was talkng to him an hour earlier midsentence ...........ILY........... and I relied ILY you too,,,,
I duno you all I love him like I love myself and my children and my life.
...... but he is sucking the life out of me,, but I feel suprisingly calm and I will not let him bother me,, he said this is why we seperated to begin with b/c you are like this and you can not see it do you undersatnd you do this to me.
I am not ready to give up but I feel like today when he said this to me,, it went in one ear and out the other,, if he thinks the grass is greener and someone else will allow him to treat them like this and still keep trying I believe he is sadly mistaken.
I love him deeply b/c when he is beautiful it feels so right it feels as though we are on the same oage bt now I fear that we are not,, he loves me but he is making me feel like he thinks I am not real and do not have emotions.... like i can take this and keep on being happy.
he makes the love and happiness and trust I feel with him is going,, I will always love him that there is no question but right now I feel like I am working hard and my wheels are just spinning...
he loves me of that I am sure and he was beautiful yesterday and today he was just up and down with his moods..
And it is hard to listen too,, only a few tears today,, I am detaching again and he doesnt realize that he needs me to be free with my love but when you are walking on eggshels you can not realy shine and just be you, yo gage everything you are about to say and it feels unatural and sad.. I am afraid he will escalate so he can use it for an excuse to see "OW"
But I can not control him so I hope God will be with him and he will one day grow up,, in th mean time I will focus on being positive and happy for me and the kids and hope that one day he lets go of all this irrational behavior....
he said this is the reason we got seperated in the first place.. cause of me being liek this and not caring about anythng....( how can he honestly believe this?)
