It's like I am addicted to her needing me and when she doesn't, I can't function.
I feel like this is the way my H feels,, he actually admitted it when he first dropped the bomb,,, he said he felt he was not good enough for me..
And if he could only see in my heart he would know the DEEP love I feel for him.
I used to cry so hard when he would treat me like this,,,I felt like my world was crumbling,,, I do have to try and find a way to make it stop,, I will be busy tommorrow cause he is a subcontractor and I have to run errands for him tommorrow but I am intersted in buying a book to help me and to help him with this issue.
I know for sure I grew up in a painful home ,, My childhood was UGLY,, and I am finally free of the pain of that all, but at the same time all that pain I felt as a little girl has made me the beautiful caring person I am today...
...when he loves me with out anger he is the most beautiful person I have ever encountered but when he turns ugly if I am not strong I feel like the lost little girl that noone cared about...
I never want for my children( and I have 5) to feel like I did so I show them love everyday,, I do not hink my H has a concept of the real tangible pain I felt .. and I do remember that one day when we first met and he saw the strong woman I was I explained my childhood and all my pain and he said he wanted to take care of me and I think I really never let him IN... (((why would this man love me when noone else had?))))
...until our Reconciliation,,Our love feels so different now and aside from this ugly part of him our "R" now is what I have always wanted, it is amazing..
He was very respectful today as far as letting me know where he was and what he would be doing,, he kept checking in with me and reassuring me ,, he had never done this before.. he would call only when he arrived. And I had not asked him to do so,,frankly I was shocked and It made me feel safe like he will not have contact with the "OW",, there was just something different about how he interacted with me and the amount of times he called....when he was at the border only an hour from where she lives he called and then said he would call later and he did he called me when he and D9 crossed the border......Huge 180 for him
Rambling but it feels good to let it out.. I wish he would heal and let go of this,, I tell him alot if you did not have your temper you would be close to perfect in my eyes you know you are better than that but you choose to keep acting like this and it hurts.. I hope he wil soon be able to free himself from this ugliness but I feel it will be a battle so I have to arm myself with strength and pray and help him grow. He helped me to feel like a worthwhile human being and he has watched me cry more than once so I will try to be strong and give him the gift of my patience but I will not forget to purge him of this behavior and if an when he does it I will nicely tell him it has to stop.
lately I wlil say "you can be mad all you want you will not get a reaction out of me I refuse to fight with you, you will be arguing with yourself.... and he has diffused but yesterday was too familiar of the MAN he used to be..
Today I diffused him a few times when he was getting frustrated ( not being mean and it felt good that he calmed down),, and he was being the beautiful person I know is there underneath it all, I just pray for God to give me strength to be patient and help him grow... I want to live Happy and have a beautiful Marriage .. I do not think that is asking too much....
he will know how important this is,, with everyones support here and my own determination ,, I will succeed ,.. he will grow,, I believed in a Miracle for him to choose his Family( the children and me) and I have been blessed now I have a new Miracle to work on.. God help to have the strength to use my voice and for him to see that he can stop.I feel happy but I will keep the thought that he needs to grow and I will help him, I have to for this to succeed and grow. Love is a beautiful thing. God bless...
