Quote: I AM AFRAID FOREVER IS VERY APPROPRIATE IF HE CAN NOT SEE THAT IT IS unacceptable....
My father was verbally abusive. It was one reason my parents divorced and I basically never saw him after that (although he also traveled a lot in his work).
From what I've observed and learned, this is not easy behavior to change (even for people who want to change it). It is often something one learns from a parent and it's usually a pretty ingrained habit. If you can convince your husband to try, perhaps some type of behavior modification (or CBT) would be helpful. (i.e. practicing alternative word choices or behaviors during times of stress and anger. Practice and reinforcement to ensure automaticity of positive behaviors).
The thing you need to be cautious about is being codependent. Oftentimes people married to spouses who are alcoholic or abusive have codependency issues.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: The thing you need to be cautious about is being codependent. Oftentimes people married to spouses who are alcoholic or abusive have codependency issues.
Yep. Count me in on this one. I have no idea if my W falls under the category of an addict (she has SOME drinking issues, dunno how deep they run, along with anxiety/depression) but I an attest to the codependency angle. It's like I am addicted to her needing me and when she doesn't, I can't function. It's one of the hardest things I have had to face in all this. I have come to realize that I am about as codependent as they come and I have tried VERY hard to stop being that way.
Ali, it's true, sometimes I think we get so used to this kind of behavior from our S's that we fear the behavior being gone more than we fear the behavior itself. Scary to think that you may actually ENJOY his verbal abuse but I think it's possible much the same as I think many of us learn to derive comfort from our pain after awhile.
Break the cycle. You don't have to be mean, loud or match his pitch. You just have to learn that it's likely that every room you're in with him has a door or two or four and if you just learn to use them when he gets "that way" then you can MAYBE get across the message that you are not HIS to do with what he pleases, at least in terms of conversation.
It's like I am addicted to her needing me and when she doesn't, I can't function.
I feel like this is the way my H feels,, he actually admitted it when he first dropped the bomb,,, he said he felt he was not good enough for me..
And if he could only see in my heart he would know the DEEP love I feel for him.
I used to cry so hard when he would treat me like this,,,I felt like my world was crumbling,,, I do have to try and find a way to make it stop,, I will be busy tommorrow cause he is a subcontractor and I have to run errands for him tommorrow but I am intersted in buying a book to help me and to help him with this issue.
I know for sure I grew up in a painful home ,, My childhood was UGLY,, and I am finally free of the pain of that all, but at the same time all that pain I felt as a little girl has made me the beautiful caring person I am today...
...when he loves me with out anger he is the most beautiful person I have ever encountered but when he turns ugly if I am not strong I feel like the lost little girl that noone cared about...
I never want for my children( and I have 5) to feel like I did so I show them love everyday,, I do not hink my H has a concept of the real tangible pain I felt .. and I do remember that one day when we first met and he saw the strong woman I was I explained my childhood and all my pain and he said he wanted to take care of me and I think I really never let him IN... (((why would this man love me when noone else had?))))
...until our Reconciliation,,Our love feels so different now and aside from this ugly part of him our "R" now is what I have always wanted, it is amazing..
He was very respectful today as far as letting me know where he was and what he would be doing,, he kept checking in with me and reassuring me ,, he had never done this before.. he would call only when he arrived. And I had not asked him to do so,,frankly I was shocked and It made me feel safe like he will not have contact with the "OW",, there was just something different about how he interacted with me and the amount of times he called....when he was at the border only an hour from where she lives he called and then said he would call later and he did he called me when he and D9 crossed the border......Huge 180 for him
Rambling but it feels good to let it out.. I wish he would heal and let go of this,, I tell him alot if you did not have your temper you would be close to perfect in my eyes you know you are better than that but you choose to keep acting like this and it hurts.. I hope he wil soon be able to free himself from this ugliness but I feel it will be a battle so I have to arm myself with strength and pray and help him grow. He helped me to feel like a worthwhile human being and he has watched me cry more than once so I will try to be strong and give him the gift of my patience but I will not forget to purge him of this behavior and if an when he does it I will nicely tell him it has to stop.
lately I wlil say "you can be mad all you want you will not get a reaction out of me I refuse to fight with you, you will be arguing with yourself.... and he has diffused but yesterday was too familiar of the MAN he used to be..
Today I diffused him a few times when he was getting frustrated ( not being mean and it felt good that he calmed down),, and he was being the beautiful person I know is there underneath it all, I just pray for God to give me strength to be patient and help him grow... I want to live Happy and have a beautiful Marriage .. I do not think that is asking too much....
he will know how important this is,, with everyones support here and my own determination ,, I will succeed ,.. he will grow,, I believed in a Miracle for him to choose his Family( the children and me) and I have been blessed now I have a new Miracle to work on.. God help to have the strength to use my voice and for him to see that he can stop.I feel happy but I will keep the thought that he needs to grow and I will help him, I have to for this to succeed and grow. Love is a beautiful thing. God bless...
I do not want to lose sight of how strong I have become and who I am now,,, I have been to hell and back and found me and who I am and what I need and noone can take that from me,, it took me a long time to get here and noone will so easily take me back to being who I used to be,, I will keep working on me and be the best me and be happy. I deserve it.
I also wonder if me telling him during our seperation to GO and be happy that I would be fine,, and he decided to stay,,,contributed to his insecurities?
he seems to need soooo much reassurance from me of my love..... I dunno puttting my random thoughts here,,,,I gave him the freedom to go and he chose to stay,, what does that mean to him?
I hope you all have a fabulous weekend,, off to work.. Will check in later. GOD bless.....
One last random thought for me to ponder,, It would be so easy to do what I used to do be invisible not make a peep, or rock the boat, " it is his anger problem and he can fix it"... .... but it takes soooooooooooo much more work to be who I am now and to also step up to the plate and let him know this is not good but I will walk beside you,holding your hand and not behind you and help you grow into a beautiful Human Being.
Isn't that what God does for us,, he does not leave us alone when we need him the most and deserve him the least..... God bless...
Hey Alimari...just wanted to say thanks for posting that MLC letter. I have been passing it on to others who I've seen on here that may need this type of info....so far, all positive responses...
I dunno guys,, I am feling good but like I am losing the battle to get his emotions in check,, he is vascilating between sweet syrup and poison again...
He was loving in one conversation and then an hour later talking about "work"again he blows up and called me a dumb a$$ B*tch,, and then when my voice remained calm no tears.( I was proud of myself) he said do not call me honey and do not talk in that soft voice you know you are a B*tch and I know you are a B*TCH so quit pretending... I was in a great mood and you riuned it and mind you I never once raised my voice or said anything rude,, he had ben riding my a$$ all day. And it was my fault everyone who was in the room with him left cause he lost his temoer and raised his voice...
I took the kids with me to pay his crews and by the time I did everything we got home at 7 pm and I left the house at 8:45 am....
I have everything under control and I have 2 crews starting a jobs tommorrow also and it is Sunday... he said do you need me to come back and do all that for you cause you can not handle it,, I said actually no , I am doing fine and I told you yesterday I did not want you to talk about work or wory when you are gone . I wanted you to enjoy yourself.
...so I do not know why we are discussing this,,,,
he had previosly told me while I was talkng to him an hour earlier midsentence ...........ILY........... and I relied ILY you too,,,,
I duno you all I love him like I love myself and my children and my life.
...... but he is sucking the life out of me,, but I feel suprisingly calm and I will not let him bother me,, he said this is why we seperated to begin with b/c you are like this and you can not see it do you undersatnd you do this to me.
I am not ready to give up but I feel like today when he said this to me,, it went in one ear and out the other,, if he thinks the grass is greener and someone else will allow him to treat them like this and still keep trying I believe he is sadly mistaken.
I love him deeply b/c when he is beautiful it feels so right it feels as though we are on the same oage bt now I fear that we are not,, he loves me but he is making me feel like he thinks I am not real and do not have emotions.... like i can take this and keep on being happy.
he makes the love and happiness and trust I feel with him is going,, I will always love him that there is no question but right now I feel like I am working hard and my wheels are just spinning...
he loves me of that I am sure and he was beautiful yesterday and today he was just up and down with his moods..
And it is hard to listen too,, only a few tears today,, I am detaching again and he doesnt realize that he needs me to be free with my love but when you are walking on eggshels you can not realy shine and just be you, yo gage everything you are about to say and it feels unatural and sad.. I am afraid he will escalate so he can use it for an excuse to see "OW"
But I can not control him so I hope God will be with him and he will one day grow up,, in th mean time I will focus on being positive and happy for me and the kids and hope that one day he lets go of all this irrational behavior....
he said this is the reason we got seperated in the first place.. cause of me being liek this and not caring about anythng....( how can he honestly believe this?)
We will see how today turns out I have no hope it will be any different than the past few days full of his moods,,,, but thankfully I will not be taking the ride with him . Yesterday I was proud of myself for staying calm while he was an A$$. a FRIEND OF MINE WAS OVER WHEN HE WENT ON THE TYRADE AND FIRST HE ASKED IF SHE WAS IN THE ROOM,, I SAID NO AND THEN HE REALLY STARTED IN ON THE VERBAL ABUSE....
How nice he doesn't wnat her to know that he is not the beautiful human being he was being for two months he is slowly but surely turning into his old self,,,,,,,,
for me it is sad,, cause I have the strengthh to withstand it but he then blames me for his anger and may be a WAH again.... This scares me.. but I will not let it control me.
The really sad part like I told my friend who was over last nite is.... If (GOD forbid) I were to suddenly be taken from this Earth,,, he would be the one who cried the most and he would be so lost without me,,,, he himself has told me this...
So I do not understand him....
I will post more later. I need to kep track of my days so I can keep myself sane and at peace that I am ok and he is moody,, like I said before he actualy sometimes makes me think I am the one who IS to blame.. WRONG,,, but I will continue to pray for him,, he needs it now more than ever again,, and he needs to take the meds he was prescibed,, he stopped cause of headaches,, and the sad part is he doesn't stop drinking cause he gets a headache the next day..
Pray , pray and pray some more Ali that is all you can do for now...,
I guess the Honeymoon is over and it is time to get back to the basics,, I would do anything for our :"M like I have done to restore it ,, I dunno if he knows what a gift it is,,, so we will see what happens,,,
This is scaring me but I need to regroup,,,, how can he love me soooooooooo much and yet be so cruel?
he puts alot of peoples lives at stake cause he can not control his temper.....last nite he actually tried blaming me cause his whole Family down In Mexico left the room while he was losing his temper with me....
Like it was my fault...
Money and work are not good issues with him,, I need to rethink that subject and talk to him about it when he gets home, I can not listen to him calling me a B*tch and even saying that he knows that I know I am one,,,,,
if you even read half of my posts when he was seperated from me,, and all he pt me thru (((even though he came here often and just walked in like he owned the place,,,)))
I was never rude once!!!!!!
....and he is fooling himself. but that is ok like I told my friend yesterday,, I told her you know at least I can look at myself in the Mirror and know I did my best and I did not go out and get "OM" just to pacify my pain like he did with the "OW",,,
WOW this is hard and tell you what wiht all my effort I do not believe it is supposed to be this hard,, and how can he say he loves me one minute( and he does not say it everyday mind you) and the next be so ANGRY>>? God bless.,
