Ali, I offer this from my own experience with my W.
I have said SO many times since all this started "Why didn't you just tell me xxxx or xxxx". She said she thought I knew how she felt since she'd told me so many times before and didn't want to nag. I told her that her accepting my "bad" behavior and not calling me on it was tantamount to her thinking that I THOUGHT it was ok to be that way. I didn't think it was ok, and felt terrible about it but I guess I was asking for help to stop, mainly exactly what others are suggesting you do. Calmly, simply walk away from the conversation, offering to start it back again when he calms down. I know it was my responsibility to control my own anger, as it is your H's but I also believe that you/my W can help in the process of at least pointing out when it's beyond "normal". I assure you, as you say, HE thinks most of the time it's ok. Tell him it's not EVERY time it's not.
I WISH my W would have done that instead of building resentment for me and thinking I was an a$$hole all these years. Until therapy and a lot of reading, I didn't realize what I was doing and her way of "telling" me was to attack me back or just get upset. If there was some way she could have been calm and just told me what I was doing THEN WALK AWAY NO MATTER WHAT MY REACTION WAS (this is important because she used to say she didn't want to call me on my anger because it would make things worse, all verbal mind you, never physical) I think I could have learned to recognize it myself sooner and either learned to control it or seek help for it.
This whole idea of the "MAN of the house" is not one I subscribe to, or at least the way I think your H means it. I think it's crap and if he is going to continue to believe he has "dominion" over you then you are probably going to be dealing with these issues for longer than you'd like, i.e. forever.
You are a partner, not a subject. You are not his slave nor child. You are his wife and as such, deserving of your own voice and most of all, respect from him but first you have to find that voice in you and respect yourself enough to demand respect from him.
