Forgive me if this is not helpful or constructive but your H sounds like an a$$. I know that does not define him but you have to realize that when I talk about my anger issues I just mean that I get visibly frustrated, yell at the kids and get defensive with my W instead of calmly discussing things that bother me.
For your H to say those things to you really bothers me. I'm guessing that this is something he's always done. To me it's verbal abuse and at some point if your marriage is to continue, he's going to have to get that under control.
Again, it's one thing to have the occasional time when you raise your voice to make a point, i.e. "HONEY, I ASKED YOU TO GET ME THE DIRECTIONS. ISN'T THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN JUST DO THAT INSTEAD OF TELLING ME ALL THAT OTHER STUFF I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!!!" It's another all together to make it personal, i.e. "LOOK YOU STUPID B!TCH, I ASKED YOU TO GET ME THE DIRECTIONS NOT GO OFF ON ONE OF YOUR RETARDED RANTS ABOUT THIS AND THAT. YOU ARE SO STUPID IT HURTS."
You see what I am saying? Anger issues are one thing, making it THAT personal as your H seems to like to do is more than just a hot temper. I would LOVE to see you get with a C to start working this out. Preferably both of you, but I also think you need to see an IC too (him as well) if you can afford it because there seems to be a need for some boundaries.
All that said, I think YOUR behavior in response to his inexcusable behavior is wonderful. You have learned to detach as much as possible and that is a helpful skill to have.
Just realize that at some point if your marriage is going to be "fixed" then these issues of HIS will have to be addressed. While it's all well and good to get past the affair and the subsequent emotions by detaching, I don't think you should have to live your life in fear over the next time he's going to turn into Mr. Hyde on you.
Ali, you seem like you've REALLY got it together. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to eventually join you in that.
For now, stay the course but I would not allow yourself to settle back into a marriage that include this pattern of what SEEMS from the outside looking in to be verbal abuse.
GH
P.S. Since I am new to your sitch, forgive me if this is a beaten horse...
