I hope that what we talked about yesterday will be remebered and worked on....
My H and I had a conversation yesterday in the morning initiated by me and it went well, at first he was getting defensive like he must have felt he needed to but I reminded him that I was not attacking him just trying to get him to understand that his behavior hurts my feelings and that he needs to work on it.... I went as far as to say " Honey when you do X or Y you may not realize it but it hurts my feelings and it is behavior of a child not of an adult,, so I know that you do not have to behave this way there is no reason for it..."
I was shocked that I even said this ,, my voice stayed calm and serene and I just made my point... he listened and agreed! Later that morning,, I guess I was on a roll but something in me just felt like this needs to get out cause I feel like if I hold back soooo much that I will start to feel more hurt and I will not be able to be so loving with him AND I DO NOT WANT THAT..
I asked him first if he would be taking the day off to spend with me and he replied "YES...."
So a 180 for me would be for me to be assertive and mention the dreaded TATTOO....I told him I would be calling a friend of mine who knew someone who specialized in "cover up tattooos"
He got a little upset not mad like he did not want to do it but was a little set back he is not used to me being so assertive I am a pretty laid back person and normally would not say something like this....
So I let him be for a few minutes but still proceeded to call and when I got off the phone he said well you know honmey what am I going to put there do you have any ideas? ad I said well know but that is why I am online looking right now and again some grumbling.. then I lost it!
I did not lose my temper but I did start crying while speaking .. I said you knoe what nevermind and you know what I will never mention this again I am actually tired of talking to you about it anyway ,, you have know idea how hard it is to look at everyday and especially when I am on top of you and we are ( making love ) before I could get out the making love words he knew where I was going and said ..." Yes, I do know and I am sorry, you find something you want and I will cover it today." and then he said I want to take you to iunch too so lets do that today too.
He put on a DVD we have of the Eagles that we both love and I told him the song Desperado was a song that I thought fit him and while it was playing I started crying..... he kissed me on my face and then he played another song and asked me to slow dance with him and he hugged me so close and I cried some more and he hugged me even harder. He knows my hurt so just shows me more love instead of talking more about it...
Late rthat day once again he took something I did for him personally and instead of blowing up he just talked to me about it.... much better and I hope he keeps this way of dealing with his feelings with me instead of getting angry....
When we went out to eat he fed me food in my mouth and he was in a FANTASTIC mood,, he usually feeds nme something once or twice whil we are out to eat but this time he practically wanted to feed me my entire meal and he was flirting with me alot too, I loved it. I just called him on his way to work while I was typing this to thank him again for taking me to lunch yesterday. I had a great time...
He has the appointment today @ 12:30 to cover his Tattoo and I am excited he had talked @ wanting a Phoenix yesterday and explained to me the significance of it and I think it is a fabulous choice,, It is a symbol of resurrection, rebirth and regeneration. It also represents purification and transformation through fire and adversity.
I often wondered what what be fitting to cover her name b/c afterall I will always know her name is under whatever we would decide to cover it with and you could not just choose anything,, now I know what he meant when he first said this and when he said it over 3 months ago I was offended I thought well geez just pick any d*mn thing I want it gone and now I am glad we waited,, he will now be covering ti with something that reprsents what we just went thru and I know that is why he chose it even though he said it was up to me I decided that was perfect and chose it also...
I am very happy with this and I know that I asked him for this but for me it is a 180 and I feel proud of nyself and stronger for doing so.. one problem for us had been that whenever I asked for anything he would dismiss it or get angry and furios and dismiss it.....so I went into my cave stopped asking for anyhting and was INVISIBLE.. Not good at all who wants to be Married to a GHOST/A SHELL?
And so I though alot about what you have said Liz and I was at a crossroads a few days ago and I thank you .
I also know that me asking him for things and pushing the envelope is something he actaually asked me to do when we reconciled he said he liked that I gave him space and freedom but also liked and wanted for me to be more assertive and tell him things he needed to do or change for me.. He can not fix something I do not like if I do not tell him he said.... He feels I love him more when I teel him what to do in a respectful way when he needs it,,,, when I see he is not doing well or needs motivation.. and so yes better if he apologizes on his own as he has done alot more recently but I remembered this while I was laying down next to him last nite while he was sleeping... when I started changing alot while we were seperated he asked why could I not have done this before... he felt I was only doing it cause he asked me to... In essence I was but I was changing for me too and he got past the fear and decided to rejoice in my changes instead of thinking .. Well she is only doing this cause I sad....
So I can not get too upset about him only apologizing on my insistence after all he had to ask me for a "D" for me to change and say I was sorry for not ever really geting what he needed from me. Not just what his ego wanted but what I was genuinely not giving him ... ME.
I used to hold back my love and also never said what I wanted ....he wants to know what I want from him...
So thank you Liz for being one of my Guardian Angels and always being here for me ,, you helped me to push , shake it up a bit and know that it was ok to do so.
One day I hope he will just know better and not have to even apologize cause he will choose not to hurt me first and I strongly feel that we wil get to know eachother better in the next year than we have in the past 10... sad but true....
Strange how I get to these "crossroads" almost near the 11th of the month eevry month and I dunno why I am just noticing this pattern.
thanks for listening and being a friend.. God bless....
