When I first came to these boards I was a mess. I did not know how to make it thru the day. I felt as though my world was crumbling, I felt lost , I was scared and did not know how to make it thru the day without crying and feeling sad. I started in Newcomers and moved to seperatecd when I felt as though I was surely headed for a "D". I would look for success stories and pray for a Miracle. I prayed daily for God to restore my H,, not to give him back to me but to make him happy and whole again,, it seemed as though he was gone not just from my love but from himself ,, he was distant even with the children something that broke my heart more than even just being gone from me. I prayed and prayed some more and even when I found out he had " OW" even though I suspected it all along , I told him to go and be happy that I would be fine that I loved him with every part of my being and wanted for him to have a happy life.. It secretly knocked the wind out of me.... I discoverd her name on his chest as a Tattooo ,,, so there was no more lying on his part.
He came home on Fathers day weekend and was still trying to juggle being here and with her on the phone,, he had started a " A " with her in May or maybe even late April shortly before he dropped the Bomb.... she is friends with my SIL and 11 years younger than me,, My H is 8 years younger than me... it hurt like you all know .
...it hurt like he was dying and there was no way for me to stop it. But I had everyone here to support me and to help me to see that I could do it I could survive with or without him. Of course I wanted him with me but the thought seemed hopeless, he would then be so arrogant as to talk to her outside in the driveway knowing full well that I knew he was on the phone with her. Less than 3 weeks after I discovered the Tattooo he broke it off with her,,
while he was still speaking to her, I would tell him you can go be with her be happy... he would answer " I am not happy with her", expecting me to wait.
During those three weeks I felt as though I wanted to pull every last strand of hair out of my head and my hair goes straight down my back. As I type this I am crying... wow this has been a Journey. Dunno ,,,sometimes ,,,looking back How I made it.
And 5 weeks after discovering the " A" he told me he loved me very much and that " I want us to love eacother for a very long time..."
I could not beleive it,,, she continued to call and we still had work to do,,, On Sept. 11, I asked him to remove her #, her last TM and her pic ((((she sent on Aug. 5 and he saved inside his phone))).... it made me feel so ugly that he would keep it, I felt an arrogance on his part for keeping it. Anyway he did it and said ..."done" and smiled at me....
So now almost a month later I feel better in our "R" and I feel happy but the sadness is still there underneath it all, I felt as though the Honey moon of it all would last longer but then the resentment came on strong and I knew I had to fight the demons by myself. I had promised him the day after I discoverd the Tattoo that I would be fine and for him to be happy with her but if he decided to come home I would never bring it up again as long as I lived...... I kept my promise and although into our Reconciliation I did finally put my foot down it was too much for me to bear and on AUG. 11th when I had had enough of her calling even though I knew he did not care about her I said ...."
If you are not trying to Reconcile with me and are not sure ,ILY but I can no longer put up with her being in the background."
.... and all the calling stopped. It was either me or her ( and him feeling sorry for her, he told me this back In July that he felt sorry for her))) basically I had , had enough OF being the Good little wife while she was being scandolous and did not care that he chose to be with his Family again.It is one thing to take a man from his wife and not care and another to continue to try and take a man who has chosen his Family . I could replace him one day even though in my heart I felt he was irreplacable but it is quite another to take away my chidrens " DADDY". That was the last straw,,, you can mess with me I am strong,,, but my kids H*ll no...
So now I feel I have earned the right to post here... I have been to hell and came out the other side,
.... a beautiful WOMAN who knows who she is and what she wants and needs. I am still giving him his space but I have learned to give my absolute best without expecting anything in return and at the same time expect NOTHING but the best...
My one way trip to hell turned into a roundtrip and I am back and never want to visit there again....So I choose everyday to love him and love myself first so that I can be the best me there is. For many years I was invisible and did not make a peep now I am here loud clear and with a serenity that I have been searching for ,for YEARS!
It feels so good to be at home with myself. The pain of what he did is still here just underneath the surface but I will make it thru and not the'OW" nor my husbands occasional outburts will make me lose sight of me or my Happiness..I still stumble but I get up brush my knees off and continue to walk in the light and it feels good. I found myself in this Journey and I will be invisible no more.
I get things now from him that I have always wanted and needed. I am teated like the Queen I should have always been and he gets treated like the KING.... we interact in a way that is soo much better now. And when he was on the phone with my SIL the other day ( he was in the room with me and had his cell on full volume , I could hear evberything) she said xxxxxxx says to say "HI" to you I felt as though I wanted to hurt him and her but I swallowed my pride and remembered all I have been thru and how I have reachd my Goal and let it go. I called my Aunt for assurance that I was doing the right thing in not saying anything and she replied" Yes honey you have come so far do not let their immature behavior affect you.." so I poured myself a drink( I am not a drinker) and I tried my best to stay calm and made it thru. Little things like that are not supposed to hurt after all the immense pain but I felt so disrespected and felt like it took me back to the pain. I just remember I have a place in Heaven and I keep loving him. I want to be the best me and show him that daily.. he obviously saw how beautiful I am or he would not be here so I thank God for helping me thru this. One of my old thread titles was Workings towards a Miracle and I have my Miracle...
SO I intend to treat my "M" as the miracle it always has been. Thank you God for helping me every step of the way and thanks to you all here for helping me when all seemed hopeless. Do not ever give up ....be the best you .... God bless....
