Well, last night H and I had another talk. I asked him again if he was having an affair, because some of my friends have mentioned that as a possible cause of our problems. He was very hurt that I would even think that. He said, "Isn't it possible that I'm just not happy with no external things going on?" He also made the statement that we went from friends to lovers back to buddies. He now sees me as a "buddy" and doesn't think he will ever be able to see me as a lover again. I mentioned to him that I've read a lot about sexual problems, and lots of people seem to have this lack of desire issue. His reply? "Those people are not like us. They must have at least a little desire left." So, right now I am again feeling hopeless. Is there anything I can do?
One sure thing about feelings is that they change. Your H may believe that he will always feel the way he does now. The nature of feelings defies that belief. A lot of factors affect what and when feelings develope. When you get to a place where you can pick up and dust off, you can begin to see with clarity weather you want to his feelings to change and how to proceed. I wish I could offer you more comfort than that.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
We were both grad students for the first year and a half of our marriage. I think the dynamic shift was focusing more on schoolwork than on on dating each other. I guess we both thought there would be more time for that later.
No, H does not want to MC. We tried a couple of sessions but he says they offered nothing different than what we have already tried. Dating again? Doesn't want to do it. Says it feels forced and wrong.
I AM absolutely heartbroken. I want to be lovers again, as this is the person I chose to be with for the rest of my life. I never thought that a marriage would end because of this.
dwh Im having the same problem,My H and I are together 28 years.Bomb hit last year in september.In my situtation my H was having an A with OW for 5 years. And we still ML when I act on it first, it always has to be me . He wants to remain as friends, but will probly move out in spring.H said It all happened because I rejected him all the time. now we just have s-x instead of ML. it feels like he is aready gone. My H says he will never be able to love me the way he did.That is before the OW was involved.
DWH, what have the major issues been in your marriage? I saw where you posted he had said lack of affection had been an issue. Was sex an issue in your marriage before?
Yes, it was an issue. We were both grad students when we got married, and we were both so busy it just seemed like neither of us made time for it. If I was in the mood he was tired or busy, and vice versa.
Quote: Yes, it was an issue. We were both grad students when we got married, and we were both so busy it just seemed like neither of us made time for it. If I was in the mood he was tired or busy, and vice versa.
It sounds that you both had equivalent drives? Or was the scale leaning more toward you or him?
Also, what are the details about the affection issue? Are there any good interactions going on between you or is everything stilted all the time? Any anger or outbursts from either of you?
Apologies for all the questions, I'm just trying to get a feel for your relationship, both past and present.
Mrs NOP, His drive was probably higher than mine. There are good interactions going on between us. Because it just makes things uncomfortable when I initiate anything, I have stopped initiating hugs or kisses. I have noticed in the past few days, however, that he has initiated these a few times. I am always receptive when this happens. We have good interactions, no anger or outbursts. Honestly, we are great friends and our interactions for the most part reflect this. Just nothing sexual right now (or maybe ever again)
Is it possible that he is displaying defensive, or "protective" behavior? Maybe he was more high-drive earlier in your relationship, felt rejected by you, and has now placed himself into a defensive "I won't allow myself to feel that attracted to her again" mode, because he feels it hurts to much when he's rejected?
I'm guessing that the difference in the libidos earlier in the relationship might be greater than you're indicating, or at least maybe HE would say that it was.
