"Officially" piecing... now the real work begins..

[toughlover]

You know, root, now I know why I always enjoy your posts and responses. You sound a lot like Mrs. TL in that she was a major tomboy and still is to a degree...but thanks to you (and, well, paying attention in general at home) I remembered how she loves being girly. I made the mistake of thinking that wasn't a big deal for her because of how much she likes to pretend that she's "just one of the guys." The problem is, she always valued being accepted by the guys too much, was pretty naiive about that (and always has been). She always thought it was because they were impressed with her toughness and respected her for it. Now, I think we've all been amused by that. But the fact is over the years when I've seen that happen, it was typically because they wanted in her pants, bottom line. And I don't mean to take anything away from her...being as tough as she is, she's a great recreational companion for a guy.

My W craves that stuff too. She's just not vocal about it. But if I do a little for her in the romantic end (not cheesy, mind you, just thoughtful) then, wow, are things different. I can't believe how easy it is. I can't believe how much time, pain, and suffering it took to get us right back where we started, only better.

Can't do the song for Christmas this year, although it's a great idea. One of the sticking points of this whole thing is that OM also played guitar and I'm betting they had some kind of whole romantic thing tied up in the music, since they were involved in that at church. Every ounce of my being resists that right now and I don't think she's even ready for something like that. I used to accompany her years ago but as we fell apart, I refused to do that as well. Now the whole thing is a little tough as OM and I actually played together some right before all this happened, so that's a real sore spot for me.

And when I say sore, I mean in a real bad redneck way where TL opens a can of whup-@$$ and spends the night in jail. I thank God for His presence in my life which sometimes seems to have been the only thing that has kept me constructive. I always get this image in my mind of my kids suffering at home while I'm behind bars, out of the picture, letting them down. It really keeps me on the straight and narrow...but I digress

One good sign is that she just asked me to accompany her on a bunch of traditional Christmas songs and carols this year, so that's good. We'll just have to see where it goes from there.

But you're 100% right on target. She likes feeling girly and being treated that way as long as she's not patronized or dismissed, as long as I really listen to her.

In fact, that's the phrase that got us on the road to better back in the summer...she was spouting off about centering our marriage around God like we were supposed to. I was fixing to let her have it for that, like I'm going to take spiritual advice from an adulteress and liar. Clear as a bell, and I mean out of nowhere and contradictory to everything I was wanting to say, I hear this voice/get this thought in my head that says, "Listen to your wife. Following me is never a bad choice."

So one of the things I ended up doing was making a habit of listening to her, really listening. And that's spread into every aspect of our life and has made a huge difference.

And you want to know the irony here? When my W said that that day, she has since told me that she had no intention of saving our marriage, that she was hoping I'd divorce her...but when she saw me strike off in my own direction, obeying God and doing what was right and good independent of her, that did something to change her heart.

It's as bizarre and wonderful as anything I've ever seen.