"Officially" piecing... now the real work begins..

[toughlover]

(TL, I think your wife is a romantic who needs a gentle touch)

Bingo! I've been meaning to post a new thread cause a lot has happened over the weekend and some major stuff seems to be taking place, major good changes.

I always knew this about her and at some point along the way decided she was just being silly wanting all that stuff.

She IS but has always acted like she ISN'T. I realized I used to treat her that way, then started buying into her tougher persona. She likes all those decorating shows on HGTV and I was (ugh) watching those with her a few nights ago and made some joke about how I was getting too sensitive and she says something like, you can't be too sensitive.

I know I'm dense, but the light bulb finally went off after 12 years

I hunt, fish, shoot, lift weights, play sports, do all the guy stuff but I have also, in the past, played guitar, written music, made stoneware pots and bowls on a wheel, done a little creative woodworking, used to teach literature and creative writing, stuff like that. When I was younger, I had a lot of curiosity and had plenty of time as a single person to just do things I thought were interesting, learn stuff (read a lot of books), then move on to something else if/when it got boring.

She's way more complicated than she acts, and she knows it. She's high maintenance but thinks she's low maintenance. Every relationship she's ever had has burned out pretty fast, even the secret ones once they hit the light of day. Our M is the only one that's lasted and, really, it burned out early on, we just went about our business as though it hadn't.

Everything has started to make sense in a brand new way. I'm not sure I can even wrap my brain around it, or want to.

Back in September when I made my decision to just be the husband God calls me to be regardless of what she does, something shifted and I didn't even really see it clearly until now. But I decided to give her my absolute best even if I didn't think I was getting hers...in other words, not be the "basic version" so long as I'm not getting what I want, and only pull out the "deluxe model" if she gives me what I want.

My initial detachment was pretty good, and started working, but I've struggled somewhat ever since because she started coming around and I never could figure out how to be detached and still be engaged without basing it, at some level, on how she responded.

But it set me free to realize that I'd be fine on my own. And when I did...and not until then...things started getting better and I got distracted by where we weren't yet instead of enjoying how far we'd come.

Now we relate to each other in a completely new way. I don't think it would have happened if I hadn't done a lot of work on myself, and if we hadn't just started doing things the way we wanted to regardless of who we happened to be married to at the time (praying together every day for our kids, working together at home instead of expecting one person to carry more of the load, etc.).

So I've been doing nice stuff for her..mainly dinky little gifts, taking her out, and cooking special stuff for her at home when we're alone. I've been doing a lot of other stuff too, like all the dishes all the time, rubbing her feet at bedtime on days when she's worked that day (or if she asks), etc.

But you're right, root. The key word has been gentle. I'm never harsh with her, I always make the choice but defer to her if she prefers something else, do a lot of stuff. At first I couldn't see the forest for the trees but now I see that what I've been doing these many months is planting trees and now we've got a budding forest on our hands.

Because she's really been doing the same for me, going above and beyond, and I was getting all hung up on thinking she was just going through the motions, but she's not.

It's what Paul meant, I think, when he wrote in Ephesians that "husbands must love their wives as themselves." The golden rule of marriage.

But the thing that has gotten her now, especially now, is that I treat her like she's special. Not in a flowery, fake, way...although I occasionally make a little production out of it. Mainly, I've just been listening and giving her what she seems to want without her always having to ask, and it's paying off big time.