Yes, that makes sense and it sounds really good. I like that you're turning it around and looking at what you can give. I need to think about that....
This is probably going to sound strange, but I'm not sure I should be reassuring my husband. I've always been much too dependable and "there" for him. It was only when I became more independent that he started to sort of appreciate me. For the first time ever I was starting to slip away and that's when he seemed to want me. Although I suspect OW was slipping away at about the same time so... In a way I worry that he only wants what's difficult to have, or that he'll only appreciate me if I'm not fully committed. And that's a 180 for me!
The other day I was feeling good about things because I re-realized my husband's affair was an "exit affair" and the reason he had it was because he had been sitting on the fence about our marriage for a few years (MLC). Once he started up with her it gave him the crutch he needed to leave the marriage. Somehow this made me feel better because it made me think he didn't love her.. she was merely a tool. On the other hand, their relationship did continue for a long time (even when he was starting to "come back" to me). So she became more than a tool. So in some ways I feel better, but then I can't help building it larger than it was. I just wish I knew what it really was...
I know everyone here says you don't want to know details, leave the past as the past, and don't discuss it. But I still want to know more. I want more information. I've read books that say the only way you can rebuild trust is through honest communication... and that includes talking about the affair. If they talked about us to the OP and that created a sort of special bond, how can we not have a special bond without similar sharing of thoughts and experiences?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
