Alimari, I think you're right about having to let OP go little by little. It's not something we can do easily or quickly. It's a process. Eventually, over time we will let go.
Yoyogirl,
Quote: You are afraid that he's going to go to her again, and you would have to go through all the pain. With you telling him to go to her, you have "prepared" you mind, and you wouldn't have to be "hurt" per se when he goes to her.. BUT..my dear, you will still be hurt if he really does
Good point! Many of us can't help but have a fear that this is going to happen again so for self-protection this is a possible response. However, pushing them away isn't going to stop the pain if they do leave. And continuing to push won't heal things and may bring us back to that place where we don't want to be.
Cat,
Quote: until at some point he confesed he wasnt "performing" as well 'cause of stress, so much for the incredible sl I thought they had.
Now that was one of those helpful confessions! Sometimes details do help!!!
About the money thing... I do think they try to impress OW. I agonized similarly about how much my H called OW and had never in our marriage or dating made so many phone calls to me (he hates talking with people on the phone). One weekend he called her 5 times each day!!!! That really irritated me. I'm sure if he had stayed with her he eventually would have turned back into "himself" and wouldn't have been able to continue with that level of attentiveness.
Ald,
Quote: One day he angrily responded, "Why are you pushing me to her?" "Why are you trying to give me away?" "Don't you think I thought about leaving you for her? If I wanted to be with her I could have been left, she wants me to move in with her. I am here because I want to be here. I am here with you. There never was a contest. She can't hold a candle to you. She was just fun. She isn't worth losing everything for. Don't keep pushing me, because one day, I won't be able to take it anymore and I'll leave. I love you"
Wow!!! What a speech!!! I love that your husband said that to you.
TL,
Quote: You're testing him.
Yes, that makes sense. I can see that. I'm needing enormous reassurance and trying to force it from someone who's not real great at expressing things.
Quote: well, if she's going to rip me a new one no matter what I do, then what's the point?
I can totally see that too. This testing isn't the best way to do this. I need to stop fighting against the current (back to the water analogy!).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
