Remember that the relationships that led to our marriages often probably got started too quickly, but it really takes a looooong time, and we're starting over from scratch, except instead of having all the fish in the sea to choose from, we've already chosen one.
It'd be a lot easier in some ways if we could just go fishin' again
Hang in there...I'm not going to tell you to be patient, because if one more person tells me to be patient, I'm gonna open up a king-sized can of whup-@ss on em!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
LOL!!!! I hear you on the patience thing.... but gosh it takes enormous patience just to get to piecing (so most of us should be pros at this!).
Actually, I dated my husband for a few years before we got married and it was a relatively slow building relationship (friendship with a hint of romance). Quite honestly one of the reasons I married him was because I considered him very steady and reliable. Also shy and sweet with a dry sense of humor. I never thought of him as a womanizing romancer. But he did grow up into an extremely handsome man....
The other thing I didn't realize when I married him, was that his father had affairs on his mother (not that this is a solid predictor of anything). Eventually, after the last kid was out of the house, his father left his wife for his secretary. They married awhile back and are somehow beating the statistics.
Oh well.... I'll just keep plugging away. At least I'm not alone.
Sometimes it does seem like it would be easier if we could just go fishing again, but unfortunately by the time fish get to be our age most of them have a lot of battle scars and are still raising older kids and teens (who have their own problems) and ultimately most people find they are merely changing one set of problems for another.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
The other thing I didn't realize when I married him, was that his father had affairs on his mother (not that this is a solid predictor of anything).
My FIL also cheated on my MIL on numerous women, but it was my MIL that filed for divorce when she found out that he fathered 2 children with current ow. I don't know if they got married or not, but I know that FIL is still with ow. Probably because both kinda figured that they are too lazy to find other fishes in the sea!!
BTW, I read a book (can't remember author's name) and the author said that parental affairs do in effect influence children to repeat the deed. I think some other online experts share that view too..
hmmmm, my H's dad left his mom a few times too, once for a long period of time, came home only to keep appearances, he had a few ow's. They were never happy even up the day he died.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
The generational cheating does seem like an interesting coincidence By the way, my husband's sister cheated on her first husband. One thing I've noticed is they seem to easily dismiss the behavior as due to unhappiness in the marriage (as if that excuse makes it okay).
But I felt really sad, discouraged, unloved and unhappy in my marriage at times. There was a time I felt like nothing I ever did was good enough for my husband and this really pulled my self-confidence down.... and yet I never felt the desire to have an affair. It's just not something I'd ever do. The opportunities have been there, but I could never act on something like that because it would feel really uncomfortable for me. I truly can't imagine how it could ever feel good. I just don't understand.
Even through my own parents did divorce (over my father's alcohol and anger issues), there were never any affairs on either side. My mother never did remarry but she did date one man for many years. She never lived with anyone. She believed that was inappropriate (and this is a woman who was a stunningly beautiful bathing suit model in New York when she was in her late teens/early 20s. Seeing her you wouldn't have expected her to have morals).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'm really glad things are still headed in the right direction for you. My H doesn't have a family history of infidelity, but they do all have the tendency to say nothing to their spouse about their feelings, wait until things are really bad and then just run off suddenly, leaving the spouse in a state of shock.
I would really appreciate your feedback on my thread in Separated if you get a spare moment. I feel a bit stuck and was wondering how you would handle it, as you've been through a lot of it before (successfully!)
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Yes, this is my current problem. I know it must sound so weird, but I can look back through my life and see that I've done this before.
Lately I've started telling my husband that it's obvious he loves OW because they corresponded for so long and he should leave me and go to her. I am (realistically or unrealistically) making their relationship out to be this incredible love affair and that they belong together. I've even told my husband that I'm the "rebound" and he only thinks he wants to be with me.
Am I nuts!!!!!??? What is wrong with me? I think I must be doing this because I'm so afraid of going through all this again that I'm just gong to create the problem, or drive him away, so I don't have to worry about it.
I think some of this may be something in me or a problem from childhood. Maybe I may have abandonment issues because when my parents divorced my dad basically left from my life (age 9).
When I was a teen and young woman, if any boyfriend I had expressed interest in someone else I would immediately end the relationship (it just wouldn't be for me). I think I have this fantasy of a completely monogomous relationship of mutual friendship, love, fidelity and always being there for each other until death.
Ironically, here I am married to someone with a pattern of infidelity and leaving the relationship. Gosh, this is just getting too complex!!! And I'm probably overanalysizing the whole situation as usual.
Has anyone else here gone through this type of thing??? Any suggestions on how to handle it? (besides a labotomy).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
When I was seperated from my H I did not say as many things as you are saying.. but I did say if you are happy with her go be with her.... in a very calm way. This scared the F*ck out of him,,, anyway you do not need a your head checked. I wondered too why are you with me when she is supposedly soooooooooooo great?
it is your mind playing games with you... I dunno what else to say..... you need to sit down and really ponder why you are pushing him away,, I used to push H away too all the time,,,, abandonment issues I do think for sure,, my Dad left my Mom, so I think we are assuming all men leave and expect our H's to do the same. It is a viscious cycle..
I dunno if any of my rambling helped but you are not alone.... sometimes I still obssess about OW and I have been upset @ it longer than they were together,, it takes time honey,, but it will get better. I promise ,,,you just have to work harder for your own Sanity. I too drive myself nuts sometimes thinking about her and I know my H is soooooooooooooooooo over her. He himself told me... " She is soooooooooooo over ,she is history.."
.... and I still hold on to her!!! (WTF???)),, I feel just as lost as you do sometimes.. I hope someone else will give you some great advice so I can " get better" too ,by reading their advice..Hang in there honey you are going to be fine,, just let her go little by little..K? God bless...
What is wrong with me? I think I must be doing this because I'm so afraid of going through all this again BINGO!!! This is IT, my dear. You are afraid that he's going to go to her again, and you would have to go through all the pain. With you telling him to go to her, you have "prepared" you mind, and you wouldn't have to be "hurt" per se when he goes to her.. BUT..my dear, you will still be hurt if he really does.
I have to admit that I did do something like that too. And I did say that he should go to her if he loves her so much, and that she makes him happy blah blah blah. And that he's back only because of the kids blah blah blah. In one of our recent "discussions", H got alittle impatient with me and said "you only hear what you want to hear. And you only hear the negatives! What about all the positives??" So, I guessed my advice here is to stop harping about him wanting her... I am sure that your H cannot be "forced" to stay with you against his free will. One thing my H said to me sometime back was "I need you to help me to come back to you", i.e they do have thoughts/wants to be with us but have that incy wincy bit of doubt and that little bit of help from us (our niceness, forgiveness etc etc) will be the push for them to come back...
