"Officially" piecing... now the real work begins..

[cat03]

ah man, I think I'm looking at myself ( back in early fall) in the mirror reading your posts.

Sweety, what needs to happen for you to stop digging and piecing timelines? for your H to file for D? do you want that? would you feel better separating now? is telling her H the truth making your closer to your H?

No? then it's not a hill to die on, damn it, I KNOW it hurts, I have myself spent days on days without end piecing when he did what w/her when he was spending time w/me or whatever. But the obsession has to STOP, please, you are pushing the healing of your M miles and miles away, you are unstitching the wound and opening it to see how bad it really was.

Just this very morn I was thinking again about my H and the 2k he spend at Vegas at a cabaret, I was just about to TM him w/more questions, I didnt' think he'd really said the words "i'm sorry", didnt think he appologized enough. Then I think "but what would that accomplish? is it a current issue? is he still doing it?" nothing and no and no.

Yea, I remember when was sending my H w/care packages to save him $ while he dined at the most expensive places with the other. And I'm sure I could come up w/more hurtful comparisons thus poisoning my mind even more in a way that I will start resenting my H and just start to hate him.
DON"T do this! it is over, your H was a total A$$, he screwed up, he did horrible things, he lied to you over and over, like I was lied to, but he came back because you supposedly forgave him, the whole thing was wrong, learning new. details won't help anyone. YOU are his present now.

You aren't second choice, you are his choice for a wife, period, there were other women he could've made into OW2 and 3, but he didn't! he came back to you, he is with you!

I actually asked my H that question, if he came back only because she dropped him, he told me he came back because I seemed to want him back and because he wanted to see if there was anything left for him from better times, he didnt' come to me to give, he came to try again, beaten and empty.

Don't you think it's taken me ages to get over about the letters in which my H mention how beautiful and how much she wanted the OP?
We talked about that too, he told me those where his thoughts at the time, he asked me "you've seen her face, do you think she is beautiful?" she is ok, nothing do die over, it was just my H's fascination with the new that made him act like a puppy, she was no drop dead beauty.

Yes, it was unfair what happened, now, are you going to stew in that mess or are you going to say, "OK, my H hurt me, now I choose to forgive him and turn my back to his stupid decisions"

Nothing is fair in this life, it is how we choose to deal with the lot we've been given that matters, dont' sicken yourself anymore! I'm going to paste some awesome advice I collected and gotten when I was feeling like this, think about it:

"The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."

As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.