When I read your recent post, my heart was breaking for you. It's been over a year and a half since I found out, but if I let myself, I can still feel the intense pain of betrayal as well. There is not a day goes by STILL this much later that I do not think about his affair in some way. I wonder if there will ever be such a day for any of us?
The best days are when H is loving and attentive and I push the bad thoughts away. The worst are when he is preoccupied and not at all loving and I dwell on thoughts of the two of them.. The latter is such a miserable place to be. I have to force myself to think about good things (ref. Phillipians 4:8 if you are a believer) and remember that he chose ME and our marriage.
You are doing great. You will feel better as time passes. It truly is all about time passing. I remember when my pastor told me I wouldn't always hurt that bad. He was right, although it was hard to believe at the time.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!
God Bless, BethJ
H 40
Me 40
married 15 years
5 children aged 2-11
Bomb 2-6-05
Now we are piecing, I think
It's kind of funny how you can be doing great and then something comes along and just throws you for a loop. I guess I need to expect a little of this during this whole transition.
Heck, it's still really early!!!! We only stopped the divorce recently and he moved back in last month!!!!!
Nevertheless, I really have to PMA big time. I've worked too hard to allow this whole thing to fall apart now. Thanks for all the great support. I''ve been reading all your threads today and it's really helping me clear out some of the negativity.
I think it's mourning a loss, and now I need to come up with other things that are special. Since the physical intimacy I felt was so special for so many years was lost (the fact that it was 20+ years with one person and that's kind of unique in this day and age) now I need to find other things that make the relationship special....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I know a lot of you say to forget things and move on... I do know that's important, but I also wonder if looking at things and going though the emotions is equally important, because stuffing things inside isn't always helpful, sometimes I think we need to look at things squarely and just deal with the pain of it. By looking at it, and experiencing the pain then we're able to finally say... okay, I've done this, felt crappy about it long enough, tired of it, time to move on....
By dealing with it, eventually the painful things really don't hurt as much. Kind of like cognitive behavioral therapy.... by expousure to upsetting and troublesome stimuli, one eventually becomes so used to it, it' no longer bothersome or troubling.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Nope, I wouldn't say forget, you can't, you aren't God, but you can choose, as you said, to face it, forgive it and accept it as a dark chapter in your M, like a room in your house that you dont' go to anymore, it will always be there but with time you get better at ignoring it and yes, the sting does fade with time.
There is no "forgive and forget", we need to free ourselves from that constraint. The knowledge of what happened is in our minds, but we can come to terms w/it and remind ourselves that we've faced that monster already and that we've forgiven it, by grace, which is also a gift which can't be earned, we are doing what Jesus told us to do.
I was talking to H about how it made me hurt that I wasn't the only woman in his life anymore, and I think he's come to a part in his live that can now look at what happened for what it was, a crazed mistake because he said "it was just sex, a bit different than w/you but that's all it was, nothing more to it" My fear has always been that he held that SL dear in his heart, he doesn't; at the time it might've been special to him, but now IT ISN"T anymore, it's in the past, it's dead. He finally did see that because I never had sex w/anyone else it was specially hurtful, I needed him to acknowledge that.
Now, some weight has been lifted off me, he isn't cherishing that part as I thought he was, he ML to ME now, I'm his present.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: The knowledge of what happened is in our minds, but we can come to terms w/it and remind ourselves that we've faced that monster already and that we've forgiven it, by grace, which is also a gift which can't be earned, we are doing what Jesus told us to do
Beautifully said, and I agree 100%!
running, I know I won't forget it. it'll just have less power over you, and occupy your thoughts less and less over time as your marriage moves onward and upward until at some point it's like a dim star whereas your relationship with your spouse is like the summer sun at noon. We know those stars are there during the day but we don't really see them. We can think about them if we choose, but you can't help but notice the sun!
Especially in Christ our failures become triumphs when we overcome them as husband and wife in marriage.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Yes yes.... intellectually I know things, but emotionally it's like being ripped to shreds. My stomach twists today....
Yesterday I learned the affair went on much longer than I realized (it was still going during the summer.) Unfortunately I'm just too darn good with a computer and figuring out passwords. So I was able to get into husband's email and see some messages he wrote to her. Of course I cried for 10 minutes then hooked up the printer to get copies of them to send to OWs husband.
I'm sorry but it makes me sooooooooooo mad that when they both said it was over and "I'm never going to see or talk to your husband again" they were still corresponding.
And cr@pp, I was having sex with my husband while he was still mooning about OW!!!!! Here he was writing her messages of how beautiful she was and commenting on how much she smiles and laughs and I was used for sex and getting messages about splitting assets!!!!! Grrrrrrrr
What hurts most was being used and kept on a string. I was the default. I'm second choice.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ah man, I think I'm looking at myself ( back in early fall) in the mirror reading your posts.
Sweety, what needs to happen for you to stop digging and piecing timelines? for your H to file for D? do you want that? would you feel better separating now? is telling her H the truth making your closer to your H?
No? then it's not a hill to die on, damn it, I KNOW it hurts, I have myself spent days on days without end piecing when he did what w/her when he was spending time w/me or whatever. But the obsession has to STOP, please, you are pushing the healing of your M miles and miles away, you are unstitching the wound and opening it to see how bad it really was.
Just this very morn I was thinking again about my H and the 2k he spend at Vegas at a cabaret, I was just about to TM him w/more questions, I didnt' think he'd really said the words "i'm sorry", didnt think he appologized enough. Then I think "but what would that accomplish? is it a current issue? is he still doing it?" nothing and no and no.
Yea, I remember when was sending my H w/care packages to save him $ while he dined at the most expensive places with the other. And I'm sure I could come up w/more hurtful comparisons thus poisoning my mind even more in a way that I will start resenting my H and just start to hate him.
DON"T do this! it is over, your H was a total A$$, he screwed up, he did horrible things, he lied to you over and over, like I was lied to, but he came back because you supposedly forgave him, the whole thing was wrong, learning new. details won't help anyone. YOU are his present now.
You aren't second choice, you are his choice for a wife, period, there were other women he could've made into OW2 and 3, but he didn't! he came back to you, he is with you!
I actually asked my H that question, if he came back only because she dropped him, he told me he came back because I seemed to want him back and because he wanted to see if there was anything left for him from better times, he didnt' come to me to give, he came to try again, beaten and empty.
Don't you think it's taken me ages to get over about the letters in which my H mention how beautiful and how much she wanted the OP?
We talked about that too, he told me those where his thoughts at the time, he asked me "you've seen her face, do you think she is beautiful?" she is ok, nothing do die over, it was just my H's fascination with the new that made him act like a puppy, she was no drop dead beauty.
Yes, it was unfair what happened, now, are you going to stew in that mess or are you going to say, "OK, my H hurt me, now I choose to forgive him and turn my back to his stupid decisions"
Nothing is fair in this life, it is how we choose to deal with the lot we've been given that matters, dont' sicken yourself anymore! I'm going to paste some awesome advice I collected and gotten when I was feeling like this, think about it:
Quote: "The very nature of being the "third party" (OW or OM) instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
As I have said before, maybe in a different way, it's not usually the affair that ends the marriage, it's the LBS's ability to control the anger long enough to move forward that does. The blame for the rift belongs squarely on the WAS but the blame for it's enlargment often falls on us, the cheated on. Getting past that was the hardest thing I ever had to do but so entirely necessary for my own personal growth.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Ahhh...who cares what he wrote? What we've got here is a couple of people with poor judgement addicted to the lowest common denominator (feelings) that they experienced together because of how the most self-centered part of their brains trigger their organs to dump chemicals into their bloodstream because of how they want to see themselves. That's what that boils down to. It's all smoke and mirrors.
Be glad. Many people make that crap permanent and throw everything down the toilet chasing a mirage and in nearly every case realize much too late that it was never worth it.
Quote: I'm second choice.
Really? He stopped the D and moved back home because you're second choice? You're no such thing.
But you feel like it, I know, cause there are days when I do, too. And, let's face it, both your H and my W could toss us aside a year from now. That's just the reality, but at least we're not living under their illusions now.
However, letting those feelings of despair dictate your attitude and behavior now is really just doing what the cheaters did: allowing your feelings to control you, rather than making sound choices then following through regardless how it feels sometimes.
Detachment is for life. You've got to press on and become the person God calls you to be, no matter what.
Man, that's easier to type than to do
The nice part is coming back together and sharing from a position of strength rather than neediness. The nice part is knowing that you're doing it the right way, not destroying someone else's family over it. I've had a taste of how good it can be and it's worth it.
Getting over HIS past actions may not be something you feel like doing, but remember you also get to jettison your baggage as well. You can't hold his failures against him, but he likewise doesn't get to hold yours against you, or use them to justify his nonsense.
It's hard to chunk that stuff. We get into these sitches because, among many reasons, we started collecting all the failures and hurts and clubbing each other with them, letting them pull us down like an anchor tied to our legs. And usually it's because we already abandoned each other to one degree or another.
But he's home, you're together, and you're committed. You've got to stay the course. Like you said,
Quote: I'm really looking forward to piecing and trying to get my family closer together, stronger and healthier.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
As usual.... great advice to print out and read over and over...
My husband went on his computer last night and deleted all those emails. It's probably a good thing he realizes what a great detective I am so he can get rid of any other signs of her. I'm just too nosy and too clever at searching out information.
There still are a lot of principles here that bother me. For example, what seems like an endless stream of lies. It boggles my mind that a person can lie so much and then continue it even when they are discovered. I feel like there's absolutely no way on earth I can trust anything he says. I even am wondering if it truly is over. Earlier in the divorce he assured me the affair was over, but evidentailly that was just more lies. He even said couldn't possibly have a relationship with someone in another state since she was going back to her husband, and he told me he was planning to set up some local dates!!!! Also, he wouldn't give me a date when the A ended. All I wanted was a month and he absolutely refuses to tell me.... but he did admit that he talked to her during the summer and the emails show that....
It's funny because I had wondered what was holding him back. He spent a lot of time with me, didn't seem to be going out on dates, yet still wanted that divorce. Now I feel like I have a clearer idea why it might have taken him so long to "come around."
All along he was corresponding with her! Quite honestly, I think it was my mean emails and the stuff I told her husband that did cool the whole thing down.
Oh well enough venting!!!! I do realize I need to PMA, 180 and probably even more importantly GAL. Enough is enough. I do feel like I got some garbage out at least. I won't bring any of this up tonight. I need to put my mind elsewhere and instead of focusing on my marriage just work on myself, my family, my friends and a friendship with my husband.
Yes, I will stay the course. I have kids and my plan all along has always been to raise them with my husband. Thanks for the positive posts. More notes for the ol' PMA notebook!!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: I think it was my mean emails and the stuff I told her husband that did cool the whole thing down.
Yeah, amazing what happens to the dark stuff when it's brought into the light. I know there's a lot of disagreement about this exposing the affair stuff. Some experts say it's the best way to end it, others say it really hurts any chances you have of reconciling with an unfaithful S.
In my case, I decided that my W was a lousy mother for having shuttled the kids hither and yon so she could go be an adultress, so I didn't really care early on whether we ever got back together again because I didn't think she was capable of it. In fact, I caught her in a couple lies the day after the bomb and I was in the process of giving her my vehicle, taking her van keys, and heading to our parents with my boys when she came completely clean.
I mean, I was truly done with this and I think she saw that.
I'm sure everyone has to do what's best for them. I immediately exposed my wife's A to our parents. Those were my pre-DB days but I believed that, since we had just moved to a new town where we didn't know anyone, if my W, myself, and the OM were the only three who did know, then the chances of her backsliding and continuing some kind of involvement with him were great...but if she had someplace else she could go if she needed space from me, and if that someone was her parents who I knew would take her in no matter what, then I figured that would be the best way to keep ongoing damage minimal because the most important thing to her it seems, even more important than her R with the OM, was not being exposed for who she was.
In short, I believe that exposure to a limited group of people we could trust forced her out of her fairytale mindset and forced her to confront what she had become. Maybe I'm wrong, but that was even one of the things she put in her farewell email to the OM...that our parents now knew.
Furthermore, and I know I shouldn't have done this either, but, hey, what can I say...I sent the OM exactly one very short email after it started looking like my W and I had a chance of turning this thing around which essentially told him that if he ever contacted my W or came near my family, we would file a restraining order against him, and someone would notify select members of his family, and our former church family, in order to help him do the right thing and stay out of our life for good, and, hopefully, help him seek forgiveness and restore his relationship with God. Now, I don't think that's the reason he hasn't tried to contact my wife...I think that knowing the person I was before, he was probably afraid I'd cave his skull...but I did and do think that since their entire relationship was carried on for so many years completely in the dark, then either they wanted each other enough to be willing to choose to take it completely in the open with everyone having full knowledge of who and what they were, or it was truly a house of straw that couldn't take that kind of test at all.
Again, I'm not saying what I did was right or that I'd even do it the same way again.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
