Thanks all for the reassuring posts!!! Cat I'm going to reread your thread and also put the name of that book on my list of books to get.
Fortunately I was able to get into the therapist last night and that helped a lot. I haven't gone in a few months and I really need to start going regularly again to help me through this.
This is such a crazy thing to go through. Whenever I get a detail or bit of information it's like a knife going in. It hurts like anything, but then after awhile I get used to it and it's not such a big deal. It's sort of like exposures in cognitive behavioral therapy. They start out unbearable, but over time they eventually lose the ability to cause pain.
Today I'm no longer angry and crazed about the whole thing. I'm still a little sad, but much calmer. The therapist also helped me come up ideas of different ways to deal with all this when I'm feeling angry or obsessed. I need to write about it in a "vent" notebook (I'm going to try and do this nightly), and then I'm also suppose to take walks and go to the gym regularly. I also have a few friends I can call and this wonderful website is a lifesaver too. Sometimes just coming here to read helps calm me down and think so much more clearly.
Yes, I'm going to stay the course and hang onto my morals. It's just who I am.
Here's a virtual hug from me to all of you {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
