Unfortunately, I can't say I'm very helpful at this time. I'm struggling MIGHTILY with some things. It's funny, this stuff is so much easier said than done.
Cat, I remember you thread about finding out that EA was a PA and I probably wrote some reassuring mush and now here I am with confirmation about the extent of the PA and for the last two days I've felt like a ton of bricks has fallen on me. I even took a zanex today because I can't stop crying about it. I knew something happened, but I really didn't expect him to compelely "go all the way." I don't know why I figured it probably happened, but in the back of my mind held onto the idea that it "might not" have gone that far.
After 20+ years of being the only one intimately involved with my husband I almost feel like there's nothing left. It was one thing I thought was special in the relationship. That sex between us was so great and we hadn't been with anyone else for soooo many years. That meant a lot to me. I kind of feel like there's nothing special in my marriage. I think part of the problem too is that I have such ridiculously high morals for myself. Even in the middle of divorce I considered myself married and would never get physically intimate with anyone.
Maybe my moral sensitiblities are too outrageously outdated? Maybe I'm the one who has a problem? I don't want to go out and have "revenge sex" but I have to say, there's a huge part of me that now wonders what it might be like to have sex with someone else. Am I missing something? I just don't see a reason anymore not to try sex with someone else. I must be really screwed up (another pun!!!)
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
