Well....my husband flies back and will be home this evening. I'm really proud of myself for not "freaking out" about the chance that he saw OW.
My guess is that he most likely did because he probably wouldn't have even admitted to a "chance" if it wasn't going to actually happen. He probably knew for sure, but didn't want to worry me... even though he may not run into her for years, there's always a chance a business meeting at her part of company might include her. But heck, maybe she'll quit!!! That would be good. (She should really should be spending more time with her baby daughter anyway!).
Of course I'm guessing all this about him running into her, but I think what's more important is that the idea of them coming in contact didn't bother me too much. That's HUGE!!!
I am glad to have a chance to work on my marriage and have my family together. I love my husband and will treat him like treasure, but if he leaves me tomorrow I'm not going to fall apart.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
even when things were over between both of them, and we were quite together, he still would get angry with me those few times I bothered her
I can't agree more! I have not met nor talked to ow, but I think my H would really freaked out if I even mention that I want to call her and talk to her. H used to tell me that he's fed her more lies than he had to me. So, I guessed, he wanted her to still have a "good" thought about him?? I don't know...
yoyo, my H also told me he at some point he'd told so many lies he couldnt' keep any of them straight, and it all became a huge lie. Maybe he just doesn't want to stir the pot and have the ow call him again to talk about things and have her question him when he just wants to drop it and forget it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Unfortunately, I can't say I'm very helpful at this time. I'm struggling MIGHTILY with some things. It's funny, this stuff is so much easier said than done.
Cat, I remember you thread about finding out that EA was a PA and I probably wrote some reassuring mush and now here I am with confirmation about the extent of the PA and for the last two days I've felt like a ton of bricks has fallen on me. I even took a zanex today because I can't stop crying about it. I knew something happened, but I really didn't expect him to compelely "go all the way." I don't know why I figured it probably happened, but in the back of my mind held onto the idea that it "might not" have gone that far.
After 20+ years of being the only one intimately involved with my husband I almost feel like there's nothing left. It was one thing I thought was special in the relationship. That sex between us was so great and we hadn't been with anyone else for soooo many years. That meant a lot to me. I kind of feel like there's nothing special in my marriage. I think part of the problem too is that I have such ridiculously high morals for myself. Even in the middle of divorce I considered myself married and would never get physically intimate with anyone.
Maybe my moral sensitiblities are too outrageously outdated? Maybe I'm the one who has a problem? I don't want to go out and have "revenge sex" but I have to say, there's a huge part of me that now wonders what it might be like to have sex with someone else. Am I missing something? I just don't see a reason anymore not to try sex with someone else. I must be really screwed up (another pun!!!)
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: I just don't see a reason anymore not to try sex with someone else.
OK, I'll give you a good reason, because you are NOT A SLUT, that's why you arent going to have sex w/someone else, because you HAVE morals and you answer to a higher authority.
Darn it, READ the posts on my PA thread, heck, it's right below! please do.
Quote: there's a huge part of me that now wonders what it might be like to have sex with someone else.
I'll tell you how it will feel AFTER, not because I have tried (though I was so mad the day I found out that had there been bars around my area I was crazy enough to go and just pick anyone to sleep with) but I'm mighty sure you'd hate yourself to no end and would be sorry about it 'til the day you die.
Hon, as of this morn, last night and this week, the devil has been rehashing the details of my H's A, all the details and the stuff they did together, granted God is great and it doesnt' sting as it did before but I'm thinking about them and trying to close the door on those thoughts that do nothing but destroy.
Would we ever forget, prob not. Can we forgive them? yes we can, and then when we face them we can see them as a sad mistake from a tortured soul, not as a mean-spirited act that our H's did to hurt us.
When I asked my H about this very subject, if he now liked the kind of slutty woman the op was, he told me at the beginning it was appealing, then later it stopped being so "attractive", since she wanted no commitment and all the fun. That at that stage of his life he felt he had nothing to loose, that's how it is on a PA honey, they've fallen in this hole where nothing matters, so what the heck?
He didnt' do those things to hurt you, he did them to himself. And now forever your H wil carry the guilt of being so weak and of hurting you so.
I was thinking of all the details he had for her for the failed Vegas trip, the black book had a very detailed schedule of boat trips, shows, etc etc.
I HAVE to shut the door to those things, so do you, we are hanging on to rotten ropes that should be cut, it happened and we need to move on, how many times did Jesus say we should forget? not only 7 times, but 70 times seven.
I also had eyes for no one when my H was away, if my H was at the moment a cheat and a liar, I was by no means going to lower myself to that level, because there will be one day when "all things hidden will come to light".
So, nope, I don't think you have ridiculously high morals, you have morals, period.
Honey, I so understand you, but you must block those thoughts when they come with a "I forgave him and he is now w/me" make it a mantra, think how would life be if at this moment you'd be divorced. We can't believe they'd do such things because we ourselves would've never gone that far, but that is us, our Hs screwed up and we must face it, then move on.Darn it, wish I had my book with me, please please go to the library/store and get "healing the hurt in your marriage" and begin by the last chapter on restoring trust, (then read the rest of course).
We were also exclusive of others, we were our firts, and it hurt to think he had given of himself to other. But I have to remember now of the times he has sex w/me instead of picturing him w/the op. I'm happy to report that the op doens't interfere in my SL, I won't let her, it was NEVER about her.
Your SL can be special because it is not the act itself but with whom you choose to share yourself with, the ops where not chosen for their quality but for their availability and their willingness to whore themselves to a M man.
Now stop that crying, your SL is special, it always was and it will be because you give yourself to the man you love.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks all for the reassuring posts!!! Cat I'm going to reread your thread and also put the name of that book on my list of books to get.
Fortunately I was able to get into the therapist last night and that helped a lot. I haven't gone in a few months and I really need to start going regularly again to help me through this.
This is such a crazy thing to go through. Whenever I get a detail or bit of information it's like a knife going in. It hurts like anything, but then after awhile I get used to it and it's not such a big deal. It's sort of like exposures in cognitive behavioral therapy. They start out unbearable, but over time they eventually lose the ability to cause pain.
Today I'm no longer angry and crazed about the whole thing. I'm still a little sad, but much calmer. The therapist also helped me come up ideas of different ways to deal with all this when I'm feeling angry or obsessed. I need to write about it in a "vent" notebook (I'm going to try and do this nightly), and then I'm also suppose to take walks and go to the gym regularly. I also have a few friends I can call and this wonderful website is a lifesaver too. Sometimes just coming here to read helps calm me down and think so much more clearly.
Yes, I'm going to stay the course and hang onto my morals. It's just who I am.
Here's a virtual hug from me to all of you {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
jeez, you had me worried there, phew! just had to check on you before I went home, SO glad you went to see your T and that you feel better, hugs)))))))))))) Yea, finding out new details always speed the rate of my heart, it's normal, but hopefully neithe of us will find any more stupid useless pointless details anymore.
Glad you feel better hon))))))))))))))))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
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