I had an interesting experience last night. My husband is now back at the house about 85% of the time. He's still moving stuff over little by little. He brought the extra fridge over yesterday... although we're leaving the bed there for last so we can have some "fun" without kids around. It's almost a shame we can't keep that apartment!!!! Oh well....

Anyhow, I had a really interesting experience last night. We had went out with my girlfriends to a local bar. Later my husband and I came home and went in the jacuzzi. Of course, I did have a drink so that tends to loosen my tongue a bit. I've been very good about not bringing up OW and the A, but last night I did say to him while we were hanging out in the jacuzzi, that I didn't at all blame him for the A. I fully supported him and understood that he needed to get his needs met and it's okay.

It's been really strange because I've worked myself to this point where I can fully let my marriage go and see any A behavior as individual weakness. It's a very strange place to be mentally. Where I don't really care! That doesn't mean I don't want my marriage or my husband, it just means I'm fine regardless of where things go. I don't "need" him anymore. I choose him, but my life won't be destroyed without him.

And yet, I still love my husband, and tell him I love him and that I'm here for him regardless.... and I said A's are no big deal!

Interestingly, this made him kind of angry! (Not fighting angry we're getting along super well). But more irritated. He asked why I would say that and at one point he said he has changed (actually this is good because he's telling me what HE thinks without me being preachy!).

I just said, "Why are you angry? I'm supporting you. I'm fully accepting you. I'm not MAD at you???" He then got out of the jacuzzi and said, "I should probably lock you out of the house!"

Later on I walked up to him and said, "Are you mad at me?" and he said "No," and we sat holding hands.

I imagine it may have been a strange night for him. He's never been out with me and my girlfriends at a bar (before the divorce I had NEVER been to a bar before!!!). And I don't think he's ever realized how attractive I am.

There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.