Thanks all for the nice posts! It's great to be here even though I didn't expect it. I was pretty certain it was all over and was mentally prepared to move over to the divorce board, so this is a very pleasant surpise. I'm glad my family is getting another chance to work and grow together.

I never saw my marriage as "bad" ... I think it had a lot of challenges: i.e. special needs kids (one with medical issues, and another with autism and OCD), a long marriage between two people who got married on the young side, normal communication problems, some immaturity in both spouses, etc...

I think what really tore it apart this time was a combination of my husband's tendency to run away from problems and avoid them (a pattern he realizes and admits to) and MLC.

Also, the affair, of course!!! This was my husband's second one. He had the first 11 years ago after the birth of our second child. Both were short mostly EAs (sliding into PAs), but still damaging. Weirdly, I'm finding it much easier to work through this second one. Almost like I've done it before, I know what to expect, I understand them relatively well. I never thought I could do this before.

Toughlover,

I can imagine the difficulty working through an affair without at least a short break from one another. Sometimes the break is a useful relief and the time away offers a good chance to heal. On the positive side you both can work towards healing together. Your wife must of treasured you and your family a great deal to leave the affair cold turkey.

There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.