Time to Rebuild

[Jen_Jam]

OK, I have been meaning to update for about a week, just haven't got round to it...it's gonna be long!

I've entitled this post "moving towards a bright future" because I believe that we are in a process, not at a destination. I don't quite know if I will ever reach the destination when I can feel "this M is secure", I'm starting to believe the DB'ing never really ends.

OK - H and I talked on NY Eve. It seems he HAS gone through a mini MLC. When H and I first started going out, 9 years ago, he was living in a bedsit pretty much hand to mouth. He was single, he could go and get drunk whenever he wanted, he had no-one to answer to but he wasn't happy. He says he didn't have the strenght to pull himself out of that but I gave him that strength.
He was 28 when we first started going out. Now he's 37 and can't drink what he used to (hangovers too much, gets tired quicker than before) and he realised he's growing up and had to change. He had to come to terms with that.
During that time, I had regimented our lives to diet and exercise. I controlled everything. You see, the reason I did this had its roots in my teenage years. My Dad has always carped on at me not to get fat, no-one will love you, it's disgustin etc etc. Then I comitted the ultimate sin and got fat. I felt unlovable, low and bad.
So - you have in 2005 a H who is coming to terms with getting older and a W who hates herself and tries to control everthing. A recipe for disaster.
H did say that he would probably have had the MLC (he hasn't actually used those words and nor have I) if he'd been with me or not, so I had NO control over this, I had to let him come to terms with himself in his own time.
The only thing I could do was drop the control, which I have done. I'm a very organised person and that's fine, I still do that but now I only organise myself, I leave H to make his own arangements (how he spends his money, where he goes out to, when he goes to the gym, what time he eats etc etc).

I've learnt that you cannot control others, all you can do is create the right environment that they can feel comfortable to change in, but the final decision is theirs.
've learnt that I am not respnsible for all bad things, that there is often a bigger picture that I'm not seeing. I've learnt to be less defensive and less critical of myself.

So now things with me and H are really good, he is saying ILY a lot, he says he feels his life is how he wants it, he feels much lighter and more free, that he has more control over his own life. I suspect he's still coming to terms with aging BUT now I am happy to leave him to come to terms with it by himself, I have no need to step in and fix it for him. He knows I will help him if he asks, that is all I can offer.

I still worry that I will mess things up. I know I'm not perfect (who is?) but I know what NOT to do now. Yes, I accept there may be down times ahead but that if I am patient, be honest with myself and allow me and H room to take things easy that I increase the likelihood of a happy outcome. I am no longer basing my happiness on H. If I feel down I don't look to him to make it right, I come up with my own solutions. If he can help me sure I will ask, but I don't expect him to sort it all out for me anymore.

Sometimes, when I feel distand from H, I remeber the phrase "you'll attract more bees with honey than vinegar". If I want more attention from H instead of moaning "I feel unloved" (my old tactic) I now give more attention to H. It usually works. If it doesn't I will thik "maybe the timing is wrong" ie use patience.

it's been a steep and painful learning curve, but coming out at the other end a better person has made this all so worthwhile. Note I say being a better person, rather than having my M back. Of course I'm happy not to be getting a D, but my ultimate aim in all of this was for H and me to be happy, and I think I have achieved that.

I'm sticking about, I'm sure I will need some DB advice in the future, I have worked hard at this and don't want to mess it up.

To anyone reading this who believe a reconcilliation is impossible, remember it takes far more time than you would like, but if you keep the focus more on yourself than on your WAS you will eventually feel better.

OK - time to shut up. Thanks for listening.

[Sailors_Girl]

Hi Jen_Jam

I hope you dont mind. I've been reading your very inspirational story - you have strength that I can only imagine.

Would you mind popping over to my thread, I'm having a really rough time right now and am just really unsure which direction to head in and have read your posts on CM's thread and thought that you may be able to offer me some advice too - if you dont mind that is?

A Sailors heart...

MY SHINING STAR!!!

Anyway, I am so happy that you have been able to get through this and be working at it with your H - I do hope for the same with me.

Thanks in advance,
SG

[Rob1231]

Nicely summed up, Jen. You may not be perfect, but you're a heck of a lot closer than most people manage to get. Thanks for being here with all of us.

[inspiredjulie]

Hi J_J-
Have you talked to Nicky lately (Blakey)?- She hasn't posted for over a week and that is unusual for her. I'm worried about her.

Thanks. Julie

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Julie - I have, it's not good news
I encouraged her to post but nothing so far...
She said she'd give me a ring in a few weeks, but I think I'll drop her an email saying you & I are asking about her.

[inspiredjulie]

thanks jen... offer her my support if you can.

[SDFoundGirl]

Hi Jen, just checking in. You're my hero, ya know?

It sounds like you're doing well and experiencing a lot of the same emotions as I am. It's nice to know a lot of this is normal...well, as normal as all of this is.

I'm finding that time brings a lot of comfort...not like I forget this, but just that I trust it more. You?

Hope all is well with you. Your advice was invaluable when I first started out. You deserve the title of DB Guru!

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Hey SD thank you (she goes red with shyness at the hero compliment)
All this is normal? Hmmm.....I do shy away from calling myself normal ha ha....but seriously, I'm starting to breath SO MUCH easier now. Yes H and I have problems in our lives, can't be avoided, sometimes life isn't all fun and light, but you know what? None of these problems are impacting on our M in ANY way. (the problems I mean are just the usual - work, money, the weather, how I can reconcile my desire to be slim with my desire to eat chocolate). I now know that if H has any kind of problem I can leave him to fix it himself instead of wading in to regiment his life (yes I am a woman but I do have a Mars style fix it hat). It's quite refreshing really.
Out of all the lessons I learnt from this, th one which is speaking to me loudest right now is happiness comes from oneself. I don't look to H to make me happy, my only source of that is myself. I can control what I do, think, feel thus can control my own happiness. It's very liberating.

OK ...rambling a bit now...SD I'm glad you're sticking about...you have been my GAL guru, I just wished I lived close to you so I could go to all the places you've mentioned. Sounds like a lot of fun!!

[Jen_Jam]

OK, it's getting to me. A while back H and I discussed him getting his nipple pierced. It was during our problem times and I said I wouldnt' like it, he said it's something he's always wanted done. He offered to take it out when we ML.
Now he's got it done - didn't speak to me about it first, just did it. I'm really annoyed. I said I had no interest in looking at it. He said "but we discussed this". I asked how long it would be before he can take it out.
I am angry for 2 reasons:
1. I find it a real turn off. I have bent over backwards to create a happy M and now I feel it's all take take take on his part.
2. He didn't bother telling me, discussing it, just did it. it'a ll part of his free new life I suppose.
It's horrible - my brother has one and it just makes me think of him. I just find them a complete turn off. H has tatoos which I don't really like either, plus other piercing but he is annoying me cos does he not realise how much of a turn off it is for me?
OK, I know, you'll all say I should speak to him about it, I nkow I should but what's the best way? He will want both - keep the piercings and me. I would just like a little more consideration here. I'd love the nipple ring to go, I can't even look at it cos it's horrible and it swells up the anger in me.
I don't want to explode - any ideas here?

[Rob1231]

Hi Jen,

First of all, let me agree with you. EWWWWWW! ICCCCCK!

Now, with that out of the way, I want to ask a question. WHY do you think H got pierced? Does it make him feel young and hip? Does he mistakenly think it makes him more sexy and attractive? Put yourself in his head (or just ask him, if that makes more sense in your sitch). I think understanding this answer is the key to knowing what to do next...

Rob