Time to Rebuild

[Jen_Jam]

OK, I have been meaning to update for about a week, just haven't got round to it...it's gonna be long!

I've entitled this post "moving towards a bright future" because I believe that we are in a process, not at a destination. I don't quite know if I will ever reach the destination when I can feel "this M is secure", I'm starting to believe the DB'ing never really ends.

OK - H and I talked on NY Eve. It seems he HAS gone through a mini MLC. When H and I first started going out, 9 years ago, he was living in a bedsit pretty much hand to mouth. He was single, he could go and get drunk whenever he wanted, he had no-one to answer to but he wasn't happy. He says he didn't have the strenght to pull himself out of that but I gave him that strength.
He was 28 when we first started going out. Now he's 37 and can't drink what he used to (hangovers too much, gets tired quicker than before) and he realised he's growing up and had to change. He had to come to terms with that.
During that time, I had regimented our lives to diet and exercise. I controlled everything. You see, the reason I did this had its roots in my teenage years. My Dad has always carped on at me not to get fat, no-one will love you, it's disgustin etc etc. Then I comitted the ultimate sin and got fat. I felt unlovable, low and bad.
So - you have in 2005 a H who is coming to terms with getting older and a W who hates herself and tries to control everthing. A recipe for disaster.
H did say that he would probably have had the MLC (he hasn't actually used those words and nor have I) if he'd been with me or not, so I had NO control over this, I had to let him come to terms with himself in his own time.
The only thing I could do was drop the control, which I have done. I'm a very organised person and that's fine, I still do that but now I only organise myself, I leave H to make his own arangements (how he spends his money, where he goes out to, when he goes to the gym, what time he eats etc etc).

I've learnt that you cannot control others, all you can do is create the right environment that they can feel comfortable to change in, but the final decision is theirs.
've learnt that I am not respnsible for all bad things, that there is often a bigger picture that I'm not seeing. I've learnt to be less defensive and less critical of myself.

So now things with me and H are really good, he is saying ILY a lot, he says he feels his life is how he wants it, he feels much lighter and more free, that he has more control over his own life. I suspect he's still coming to terms with aging BUT now I am happy to leave him to come to terms with it by himself, I have no need to step in and fix it for him. He knows I will help him if he asks, that is all I can offer.

I still worry that I will mess things up. I know I'm not perfect (who is?) but I know what NOT to do now. Yes, I accept there may be down times ahead but that if I am patient, be honest with myself and allow me and H room to take things easy that I increase the likelihood of a happy outcome. I am no longer basing my happiness on H. If I feel down I don't look to him to make it right, I come up with my own solutions. If he can help me sure I will ask, but I don't expect him to sort it all out for me anymore.

Sometimes, when I feel distand from H, I remeber the phrase "you'll attract more bees with honey than vinegar". If I want more attention from H instead of moaning "I feel unloved" (my old tactic) I now give more attention to H. It usually works. If it doesn't I will thik "maybe the timing is wrong" ie use patience.

it's been a steep and painful learning curve, but coming out at the other end a better person has made this all so worthwhile. Note I say being a better person, rather than having my M back. Of course I'm happy not to be getting a D, but my ultimate aim in all of this was for H and me to be happy, and I think I have achieved that.

I'm sticking about, I'm sure I will need some DB advice in the future, I have worked hard at this and don't want to mess it up.

To anyone reading this who believe a reconcilliation is impossible, remember it takes far more time than you would like, but if you keep the focus more on yourself than on your WAS you will eventually feel better.

OK - time to shut up. Thanks for listening.