Right…the big talk on Saturday…. I wanted to talk about both my past and the 5LL’s (got the book last week). I sat and wrote out what I wanted to talk about and why, what I would get out of it and what H would. Firstly I did the 5LL’s. I told H about the book and asked him if he would complete the quiz. I said that I wanted him to do it because I believe it could help make our M better. He was open to this and I left him alone to complete it. His primary LL is Physical Touch. The one he got the lowest score for is Acts of Service. My primary LL is Acts of Service. The one I got the lowest score for is Physical Touch. For both of us Quality Time was second. So – we talked about these and I stated that I can easily touch him more, I am willing to do that, and I talked of times he’s done little things for me and I’ve really liked it (like changing a light bulb! Believe me it’s an act of love!!) I then went on to my childhood. H listened only (he’s not a fixer in the Mars sense). Basically, my parents ran a pub and had little time for me when I was small. I understand that – they needed to make a living. I found it hard to make friends and when I had to move school I ended up in a class with mixed ages (8-11, all girls) and I ended up being bullied. Never hit, just tormented and belittled. I told Mum and Dad – they did nothing. I got no sympathy. I then moved back to my original school (when parents decided to move) and found it hard at first to readjust, but after a year or so did and made friends. This is when Dad kicked in – he has always complained that I was a tomboy, now in my teens I turned into a punk then a goth (about age 14) and boy oh boy – I was “a disgrace”, “disgusting”, and “an embarrassment”. He also never stopped warning me to not get fat. If I opened the fridge he would make grunting noises and shout “not you again fattie”. He would point out fat people in the street and say “you don’t want to get like that, no-one will love you, no-one will be your friend, people don’t like fat people”. He also used to give me guidance on how to behave “look at your Mum, she’s a lady, be like her” and he moaned constantly about my room (it was a mess) saying that I was lazy. OK – that’s how I grew up. Dad slacked off the control when I ran away from home at 17. I never really moved back properly after that. In a way, it was like a D. So – H finally realised that I had lived in (his words) “an emotional vacuum” for a while. He knew my past hadn’t been the happiest but he hadn’t realised how much it had been affecting me. I’m still working on letting it go. I still feel anger towards my Dad. H does love me, since we talked I’ve noticed him trying to speak my LL and I am of course trying to speak his. This finally does feel like the violins playing, the fireworks going off (or maybe that’s cos we’ve just had Bonfire night ) and to me, I feel we are really “there”. Sure we will make mistakes and life won’t be perfect all the time but I really feel now that: 1. We are both moving in the same direction 2. We understand each other better 3. We are both willing to accomdate the needs of each other
I can’t ask for anymore than that!
It’s Thursday now – this week has been really wonderful. I have a H who is loving and attentive and I intend to keep it that way. But I’ve also found a new me that I feel more comfortable with, and I’ll be continuing to work on that and enjoy being me. I’m out ice skating tonight (H at home) and I am REALLY going to enjoy it!
So – there it is. Sorry it’s been long, not much more to add in updates really, but you won’t be getting rid of me! There’s still plenty of other sitches I can swoop down on.
Credits and thank you times: Jeff – for speaking frankly and making me consider alternatives SD – for making me laugh SO MUCH and for making me realise H isn’t the centre of my world, that there’s a huge world out there to enjoy Rob – for being so kind and also for the great sense of humour. An honour he shares with Swashy – I am NEVER going to forget the “wearing W’s pants” conversation, I know there were others involved too. An Runningout of time – good insights, thank you And FarAway won’t let me go without thanking him for the alcohol discussion!
OK – Oscar moment over! This D is busted and more importantly **I** am saved from being an a****hole!!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thank YOU, Jen. Watching you persevere succeed has been a huge motivator for me and many others! Keep up the great work on your marriage and be happy - forever!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Wow!!!! Your positive posts are REALLY inspiring!!!! Honestly I have to admit I've been really tempted to "throw in the towel" this last week and call up the attorney to get things restarted, but reading positive posts like yours gives me some hope.
This is one I haven't seen mentioned on this site before, but it's definitely one more people should be aware of. It kind of goes into identifying problem patterns (destructive dances we get caught in) and creating healthy ones.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I'm so happy for you Jen! You and H have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, and that's worth millions!! I believe in DBing so strongly...I know I would be in the process of a D if not for it.
And no thanks is necessary. Your input, your list of what to do...all I can say is your feedback has been invaluable. You've been a model DBer to follow!!!!!
Glad to hear you're not going to disappear. Your wisdom is very much needed...sad to say, but Ms all over the world will continue to disintegrate.
*Doing the happy dance for Jen and her H!*
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Jen ~ I knew reading this would be encouraging and heartwarming. I am so incredibly happy for you girl!!!
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
1. We are both moving in the same direction 2. We understand each other better 3. We are both willing to accomdate the needs of each other
Boy Jen, does that read like a recipe for a great marriage or what? No, you can NOT ask for more then that. Congratulations hun...you SO deserve it. Ok...gotta run and go change, this thong is killing me!
Today is Thanksgiving here in the United States. I said a prayer for many of my new friends. But I cannot forget my overseas friends that have helped me soooooo much over the past six months.
Sending a prayer you way – thank you so much – I wish I could do more. May your life be blessed.
) and to me, I feel we are really “there”. Sure we will make mistakes and life won’t be perfect all the time but I really feel now that:
