I don't know if your husband is a pretty busy guy like most, but mine sure is. If I give him a book chances are he won't get to it even if he really wants to. So, one thing I've done (although this probably sounds like I'm enabling laziness!) is that I'll sometimes photocopy a chapter from a book I want him to read and then use a highlighter to point out things that have meaning to me, or that I want him to think about. Then, at a later time, arrange to discuss it with him.
I've done this for him prior to plane trips so he'll have something short and easy to go through on the plane!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hi running - thanks for the suggestion. I put that one to H a few weeks ago but he said he would rather read without any input, in case he felt he was being pushed etc. Now he won't read the DR book cos he feels we don't have any M problems - I can't really argue with that! Reading DR is rebuilding the M MY way - he obviously wants to do things differently. Anyway, it only takes one to tango and I still do employ a lot of DB techniques (GAL, being less available, validating not arguing and so on) and they feel natural now. So I can still DB, he can do things his way. That's fine, as long as the M is happy who am I to tell him he's wrong?
General update - have fixed Sat night with H to talk about me, my childhood and low self esteem. He is fine with this and is interested. I think it will help him understand me and the way I do things sometimes a little better. We have had mini discussions about it, all ended by ME ha ha, and he did say he hadn't realised how deep it all went. We also agreed that my low self esteem played a huge part in our R breakdown - H feels good when he makes me happy, if I am unhappy he takes it on himself and feels bad. With my low self esteem there was NOTHING he could have done - it all had to come from me. It's also therapy for me - I want him to really "hear" me. Sharing this (and it will be difficult at times) will make me feel closer to him. I don't think it will do any damage to our M, so I've asked the question "will this bring me closer to my H or further away?" and "will it bring H closer to me?" and I think the answer to those is yes.
ANyhoo - I'll likely post on Sunday and let you know how it went. Cheers all and thanks for reading - the crisis is over, but I still like to hang about
PS - Rob I owe you a BIG thank you! A while back I was upset cos I'd wanted H to cook dinner and when I got home he hadn't. You asked me if I'd actually stated what I wanted to him and I hadn't. You said guys don't often take hints very well and respond better to specific requests. This is my H to the letter - when arranging the Sat night he did say he prefered it if I said "I would like" rather than "it would be nice if". Thank you for bringing me up on that earlier on.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Your husband's attitude sounds very positive. If there were one thing in DB I might want my husband to learn about it would be the solution-oriented brief therapy. I think it's a very useful technique for helping couples get their needs met. That might be one thing you might want to share with him.
Other things might be 5 Languages of Love that's mentioned alot by people on this website..... and for you Dr. Laura's book on care and feeding of husbands.
But things sound very good!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thank you Running - I agree that the solution based therapy could be a good thing for him. I remember one of our R talks ages ago, one that REALLY seemed to push things forward is when I said to him (something like) "you've been trying to work out what happened in the past to make you feel the way you do and you've come up with nothing. How about a change of tactic? Instead of trying to work out how you got where you are, look at where you want to be and decide how you're going to get there." He liked this as he called it "wiping the slate clean". I will certainly remind him of this if it helps. 5LL's - funnily enough my copy arrived today, I will start reading it lunch break today. He is still very attentive and loving, and I am learning to detach from his behaviour if I don't like it. Example: Last night I went ice skating, got home about 11pm with something to eat from a local takeaway. H hadn't eaten (I had told him I would be home about 11) because he said "I didn't know what you wanted to do about eating". In the past, I used to think we HAD TO eat dinner at the same time and would often moan at him if he was home late because I wanted us to eat together. I've let go of that now, it's not important to me, but H is still hanging on to it. I made no big deal of it - to deal with this I will carry on eating when it suits me and if he's there fine if not fine. H will eventually realise I've let go of that particular habit (demanding he be home for dinner), and thus will modify his behaviour. The point for me is I didn't make a big issue out of it and I wasn't going to then start organising his eating habits - he wanted a life "less regimented" now he's got it. If he has problems adjusting to that well I can't adjust him for him, he will have to do it himself. Does that make sense?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Here's a thought for your discussion about you on Saturday. Teach H the guidelines we all learned for these kinds of conversations - listen, validate feelings, but DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SOLVE. His first inclination may be to try to FIX FIX FIX your issues from your past (particularly true if you buy into this aspect of the Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus books). Before you unload these things on him, help him clearly understand what you are hoping for from him in return.
Hope it goes well!
Rob
P.S. You are very welcome!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Full update on talk soon - just to let y'all know H and I talked last night and we are both in love, fully committed to the R and happy. I didn't think I'd get there this year!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Reading DR is rebuilding the M MY way - he obviously wants to do things differently. Anyway, it only takes one to tango and I still do employ a lot of DB techniques (GAL, being less available, validating not arguing and so on) and they feel natural now. So I can still DB, he can do things his way. That's fine, as long as the M is happy who am I to tell him he's wrong?
