Hi Jenny, You know me well by now so I will not pull my punches. Please don’t beat yourself up as a person. IMHO it is your focus, not you. Please go back and read your posts on just this latest thread. Are they all H and R focused or you focused? What happened to Jenny? Read your past thread – you were you focused then; you did not need H. That worked big time. Now that you have turned that corner in your stitch can it be that you are going back to focusing outside for happiness – and if so would that account for your new self-esteem concerns?
Please remember the drill – if it works keep doing it, if it does not work do something else. Please stop and assess. Forgive yourself? I don’t see much to forgive. Look within and focus there for your happiness – the outside world will respond; H will respond, or not. But you will end up in the better place and you will be in a better place to assess your feelings about H and other things as well.
This is a hard time – they call your forum “piecing” for a reason – results are slow and you are working on a jigsaw puzzle. You don’t know what the final real picture will be. Please stop working so hard on H and the R – time is still your ally. Focusing on something hard always results in pressure, even hidden pressure, for you and those around you. You do not need that.
(((((Jenny)))). You have come so, so far. Please don’t doubt yourself. We are all proud of you.
Just a quick reply to Jeff - thank you for your update, I really do appreciate honesty. I've been thinking about it - yes I am worried that I cannot "keep" H's love, that I'll get it wrong and he'll leave again. My C is telling me too to be kind to myself and think about the things in me I really like. It's a tough job to do, and it's strange but it's harder when H is being SO NICE and SO LOVING!!! How can that not make me feel good? But it's not all ..... so back to GAL'ing. On Saturday I went shopping and then left ALL the housework undone and it felt GOOD. Part of me is going through a "rebel" stage - trying to detach from that voice in my head which is my Dad's telling me how much better I would be if only.... For example, I rang them Friday, spoke to Dad and he asks how my diet is going. I'm not on a diet. I lost 50lbs a year ago but since the bomb have not really dieted proper. But I'm happy enough with my figure, I really am. He asks me "are you as slim as your Mum yet" and I got SO ANGRY he's always compared me to her and I've always come up wanting. My Mum is lovely, she doesn't condone any of this, but it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to be like her because she's a lot shorter than me and a really small build. I have an athletic build - broad shoulders, build muscle quite easliy, slim hips and to be honest i LIKE my body shape. Argh! I'm so mad at my Dad. Anyway...I'm still going to keep up the C sessions and have arranged a couple of nights out with girlfriends, no H along so I can just enjoy being me. It's going to sound strange but finding things that I like myself is hard, I've always liked things I think I "should" like. I know I'll find a way through this though, patience with myself, I know there's a great girl in there I'm just rediscovering her. Sorry - sounds like I'm DB'ing on myself here!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Quote: But I'm happy enough with my figure, I really am. He asks me "are you as slim as your Mum yet" and I got SO ANGRY he's always compared me to her and I've always come up wanting. My Mum is lovely, she doesn't condone any of this, but it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to be like her because she's a lot shorter than me and a really small build. I have an athletic build - broad shoulders, build muscle quite easliy, slim hips and to be honest i LIKE my body shape. Argh! I'm so mad at my Dad.
Well, then, why don't you just tell him what you just told us? In a less angry tone, perhaps... Dad, I'm not a petite little thing like Mom - but I don't want to be! I am one fine looking babe just like I am!
And then the next thing is, go to work on not caring what he says. Detachment goes for more than spouses, hon! It goes for anyone who has an emotional hold over you that keeps you from being your best - parents included.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Detachment....yes, I think that could be the winner. I am fine the way I am I have a H who accepts me for who I am I have a Dad who isn't 100% happy with me. He isnt' 100% happy cos he's never learned that you can't change others. He doesn't know what it is to truly love someone. I upset him once - H and I had just moved into our house (and I imagine moving house is stressful the world over!) and he started wittering on about us selling the place and buying a nicer one!!!! He actually told me that I should only live there for 5 years. I think his words were "you will only want to live there for 5 years". I got annoyed and I told him that the reason he's never been really happy is cos he's never turned round to look at what he's got in the present and appreciate it, he's always looking for the next, ne and improved thing. It really hit a nerve with him. But...detach, that's his problem, not mine. I'm far more aware than he'll ever be. OK, a little Dad focussed I know...onto H focus.. He's still being absolutley wonderful. I don't know what it is but it feels so good, it's like a warm fuzzy honeymoon period. It's GREAT!
Onto me - stressed at work but I'm learning to like myself and accept that I am actually a great person. It' not easy but I'll get there. It's good to ignore negative thoughts!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
thank you all! It's good to be me!! Getting better at this - have noticed in my diary it's full of things like "I want to do XYZ, person A will probably feel bad but that's not my problem." For example, I want to do some earlier classes at the gym. So it means getting to work earlier, getting up earlier etc. I want to be that bit more organised for me. I've noticed if I get into my dynamic mode H starts to feel a bit guilty. Well, I'm not prepared to sacrifice what I want for him anymore. If he feels guilty then all I can do is reassure him that I'm not annoyed with or disappointed in him in any way then let him believe that. I can't stop him feeling guilty and I don't believe me getting more gym time is being selfish. And of course, I will slack off sometimes Gosh, it feels GOOD to be more assertive!!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Just an update...had a R talk this morning and it went well. H had promised to read DR, but he's only picked it up once in 3 weeks. I asked him about it a week ago, he said he wasn't ignoring it, I said fine. Anyway, I got round to pointing out that to me him saying that he was happy to do things just to please me was a big problem for me. In the past he's gone along with what I wanted - or rather, I should say what he THINKS I've wanted - when he's wanted something different. It made discussions very difficult - eg I would suggest what to do on a night out and he would just agree right away, despite me asking what he thought. He pushed back his own feelings. I would then find out later that he'd talked about it to someone else saying he didn't really want what he'd agreed to. This hurt me a lot - he could be open to a friend but not to me. Anyway- that was the past, he is trying to be more open. He asked if it was anything specific and I said it was his promise to read the book and then subsequently not doing it. I pointed out that I have no prob with him NOT reading it, I have a prob if he continues to say "yes I will" then not do it. Upshot is that he feels life is so good that he doesn't need to read it. OK, I take that point. I think he should still read it but I didn't tell him that, it's up to him. I told him I was scared, that the bomb I got came out of nowhere and I was afraid of another, but did stress that time is the only thing that will cure that.
After the talk we ML, and today has been wonderful - warm, peaceful, relaxed. Life is good. I still do avoid R talks too often, but I feel there is less need of them now.
Just an update really - life still ambling on, I'm getting more convinced that H is being honest with me now, i just goes to show that you can make all the changes you like and the only thing that will convince someone they are permanent is being consistent over time. I really understand that now.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
You are approaching a wonderful place Jenny. You have been given a great gift on your year-plus journey. I know this will work out for you and I am very happy.
