Time to Rebuild

[Jen_Jam]

Hi all
thanks for the feedback. I had already given the ultimatium, I suppose that was controlling but it's done now. All I am thinking now is that I have made my feelings 100% clear so it's now up to him. I am no longer bringing this up for discussion with him.
Plans...good idea. If he comes to me and says "no, I want to.." then we will discuss and try to find a way through. If he does it behind my back the only thing I can do is tell him that I am massively disappointed in him then I will take myself away and stay with a friend for a bit..leave the next move to him.
As for me..well, I'm now in individual C. I still have those low self esteem issues and to be honest, what bigger whack to your esteem can there be when you're married to someone who no longer wants you. That's over now, I must state H is very attentive and sweet, loving and kind. He's doing all the right things.
It's me. My C tells me it's been really hard for me, I've been trying to live up to this DB person (remember I had a list of "if H had OW, what would she be like" and it's been really hard. To compound to that I grew up with a father who I could never please. My clothes were always wrong, when I did well at school (and I was smart) all he could talk about was how well I could do next, I was always told I should be more like my Mum, given constant instructions on how to behave and what to do and say. It's left me in R's (and not just my M, I recognise the pattern from previous R's) with this thirst for approval that I don't think I'm ever going to get. I can be a really good friend, I just have this feeling I'm not a good W.
Anyway, my C has asked me for the next 2 weeks (I see her again Nov 30) to be kinder to myself, that this has all been very hard on me. She knows of the M sitch, she did say that I cannot control H BUT if I improve my own self love it might make it easier for H to love me.
God, I know there are a lot of good things about me, I've helped out a lot of people here and feel good about that, but I'm in such a funny place. I'm trying to be kind to myself without pushing H away.
I suppose it boils down to that I'm not sure of my feelings for H anymore. I can see how self confident looks and I CAN imagine myself there, but I can't see if I will want H there too. SD you will know what I mean - I have a far better idea of what a healthy R is like now (and mine was very unhealthy before) and I'm not sure if H can do that. Time will tell I suppose. I'm not thinking of walking off, no no, I have to give this time and also I am working on myself, so in a way right now I'm in transition so to make big decisions now could be a mistake.
Just venting and updating, I suppose.
And I've come off the idea of R rebuilding or now, I want to improve my idea of my self worth. I can't see it doing any harm to my M.