Time to Rebuild

[Jeff223]

I know YOU will stay in the light; I will pray H stays there with you!

[Jen_Jam]

VERY good point Jeff - I realised a while back I didn't want my old H back. If he continues to be the old person then it ain't gonna work.
However...he has started to realise his part in it. He realises if he doesn't like something he has to find a way of letting me know (and I have to listen). He has begun to read DR, his comments are in an earlier post. I am willing to give us another 6-12 months of RR (R rebuilding). I am also probably going to work on the 80/20 rule - if it's great 80% of the time I'll forgive the 20% when it's not so great. No R is perfect.
Once we've done RR I envisage RM - R maintenance, whereby we will both have to make sure we give the R the attention it deserves.
Phew! When they said you have to work at a M they weren't kidding! But it's worth it. I know for the future that even if one day things between me and H dont' work out that I will have become a far better person and will have done all I can to keep the love alive. There are no guarantees in any M.
OK - onto tonight's positives:
H called when he got out of work to find out if I had any plans. I said no so he said he was going for a swim. I said that was absolutely fine. (Old me would want him home sharpish on a Friday to entertain me and think that if he didn't do that it meant he loved me less. What a fool I used to be!)
After he came out from his swim, he rang again to say he was having trouble getting a bus (a car accident blocking off the street) and he would be back late. Again, I said that was absolutely fine.
So the old pattern of him trying to rush home to keep me happy is long gone.
The new pattern is he phones me and I am happy he's rung and fine with him being late. In the bad old days he gave up calling me to say he would be late. Just an example of where there is a little give & take on BOTH sides.

[SDFoundGirl]

Jealous, Jen. Wish I could hear H say ILY unprompted. Only heard it once since I stopped saying it, and it was during a tipsy (on my part) convo in which we were talking about his feelings for LW. He used to say it all the time; I miss it now.

Glad things seem to be going well for you. I agree w/you in not wanting old H back. He has to change too!!!

SD

[Rob1231]

Ditto here - the old W is not who I want to be married to, because the old marriage is not what I am willing to put up with anymore. I think W is going to get that, though, and do what she needs to for HERself - eventually!

In the meantime: Yea, Jen! You GO girl!

[Jen_Jam]

OK, need the DB line of advice here.
In our teens/20's, H and I used to be into drugs. The heaviest I got to was speed, he to coke. We would NEVER go to heroin.
Like most things you do when you're young it's now gone, occasional smoke but nothing more.
H has a friend who takes ecstacy and cocaine when he goes out (as does his girlfriend) and this friend has been asking H to go clubbing with them (I'm not invited cos they know I won't enjoy it - I have no problem with that.)
Now, I have no problem with H going with them, and I'm not bothered what drugs they take. But I don't want H to take either of these.
We talked about it last night. He told me that he certainly wouldn't plan to but if the mood took him he might. I stated very clearly (without shouting or name calling) that I cannot accept that and that basically he can choose - me or the drugs. I told him as well that he could do it behind my back but the chances are I'd find out anyway (I know what someone who's been on these drugs is like, I mean I can recognise the comedown).
So he has chosen me. I did go on a bit - it was something I meant to bring up a few weeks ago but didn't as he wasn't off out with his friend, but he was considering going tonight (he isn't though - he's got a bit of a cold).
So - I suppose I'm looking for a "how did I do?" Stating boundaries? Or making demands? I did stress as well that I had no problem with him going clubbing/anywhere else with this friend, the only sticking point is the drugs.
What do yous think?

[Holly06]

Sounds like a LRT that went well, as least initially.
It also sounds like boundries that were accepted and respected.
It could be intrerpreted as setting the bar high to help H chose respecting himself and you. Time will tell if he can respect these boundries for a lifetime.
My advise is start to strategize if he has a slip up. How will you handle it? This could be an opportunity to be compassionate or LRT.

[Rob1231]

This issue clearly is very important to you (and I would agree with your stance on it!)

The idea of making a plan for the worst case is a very good one. I would consider two scenarios - if H comes to you and says, I've changed my mind, I do want to do this - and if H does it behind your back. Your response might need to be different in each case.

I would just make sure that H understands that you are not trying to "control" him, but are trying to do the best thing for him, you, and the R.

Do you think the friends are pressuring him? If so, what do you think you or he should be doing about it?

Good luck!!

[Jeff223]

Jenny,
Holly and Rob are right. In a R, stating what is and what is not acceptable is essential. You are not being unreasonable. But just state it as fact from your point of view. Let him consider. You are not setting “rules” you are just sharing your feelings.

Don’t say “do this or else” – that is controlling. Just say: “I feel drugs are not at all good and I cannot bring myself to respect someone who thinks drugs are okay. If you decide to do it, that is your decision – I cannot control that – but I feel that this is so important to me I wanted you to know how I feel.” Say no more – no lectures or anything. Walk away. He will get the message.

[SDFoundGirl]

You've gotten great advice about the sitch. Remember when you first started DBing, you had to learn you couldn't control what the other person did. There is great freedom in that once you embrace it...remember? We are only responsible for ourselves.

However, I agree with Jeff that you have the right and responsibility to share your feelings about things. YOUR feelings, and then it's up to him to make his own decision. To me, that is my one non-negotiable, that H and I are honest with each other and don't avoid the hard conversations. Scary? Yep. That little "What If?" monster pops up a lot at first and tries to hold you back. But ask yourself, is it fair for your H to make a decision without having all the information and then you being angry with him? My H did this to me for YEARS, and it's at the root of my distrust of him. I don't believe he's telling me the whole story, his true feelings....

And so, listen to Jeff and the way he encouraged you to phrase it. With my H last Saturday it was, "I felt angry and hurt that you kept X information from me. I deserve to be told the truth and to have the freedom to feel how I feel. You are not responsible for my feelings; I am. I need to be with someone who will be truthful with me." It went over well.

(((Jen))) Hang in there. This is really hard. And, like you, I fluctuate a lot about whether I want to remain in this R. Unless a lot changes with my H, I'm pretty sure not. But until I know for sure, I'm in it. I'm guessing you are too.

SD

[Jen_Jam]

Hi all
thanks for the feedback. I had already given the ultimatium, I suppose that was controlling but it's done now. All I am thinking now is that I have made my feelings 100% clear so it's now up to him. I am no longer bringing this up for discussion with him.
Plans...good idea. If he comes to me and says "no, I want to.." then we will discuss and try to find a way through. If he does it behind my back the only thing I can do is tell him that I am massively disappointed in him then I will take myself away and stay with a friend for a bit..leave the next move to him.
As for me..well, I'm now in individual C. I still have those low self esteem issues and to be honest, what bigger whack to your esteem can there be when you're married to someone who no longer wants you. That's over now, I must state H is very attentive and sweet, loving and kind. He's doing all the right things.
It's me. My C tells me it's been really hard for me, I've been trying to live up to this DB person (remember I had a list of "if H had OW, what would she be like" and it's been really hard. To compound to that I grew up with a father who I could never please. My clothes were always wrong, when I did well at school (and I was smart) all he could talk about was how well I could do next, I was always told I should be more like my Mum, given constant instructions on how to behave and what to do and say. It's left me in R's (and not just my M, I recognise the pattern from previous R's) with this thirst for approval that I don't think I'm ever going to get. I can be a really good friend, I just have this feeling I'm not a good W.
Anyway, my C has asked me for the next 2 weeks (I see her again Nov 30) to be kinder to myself, that this has all been very hard on me. She knows of the M sitch, she did say that I cannot control H BUT if I improve my own self love it might make it easier for H to love me.
God, I know there are a lot of good things about me, I've helped out a lot of people here and feel good about that, but I'm in such a funny place. I'm trying to be kind to myself without pushing H away.
I suppose it boils down to that I'm not sure of my feelings for H anymore. I can see how self confident looks and I CAN imagine myself there, but I can't see if I will want H there too. SD you will know what I mean - I have a far better idea of what a healthy R is like now (and mine was very unhealthy before) and I'm not sure if H can do that. Time will tell I suppose. I'm not thinking of walking off, no no, I have to give this time and also I am working on myself, so in a way right now I'm in transition so to make big decisions now could be a mistake.
Just venting and updating, I suppose.
And I've come off the idea of R rebuilding or now, I want to improve my idea of my self worth. I can't see it doing any harm to my M.