Quote: [ If anyone else out there has low self esteem I'd be really interested to hear from them if they are working through it
Jen Jam,
I used to have a really low self-esteem. My father was verbally abusive and he would feed me negative things when I was a child (he'd tell me I was stupid or ugly, etc...).
At some point I think I realized that everyone is flawed and imperfect (my father includede! He was compelled to put others down to build his own ego). I've read a lot throughout my life, got a lot of education, did things I was proud of and just began recognizing things I did like about myself. And there's a lot! It's kind of odd, but over the years I've only liked myself more and more. I don't have a high ego and don't need to "feed" it to make myself like me any better. I know I'm flawed and imperfect, and have a lot of faults, but that's okay. I just try and enjoy my kids, my husband and my family, do things that make me feel good and just enjoy the small things in life because I know it's a short ride with a lot of ups and downs a long the way.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
RR is working as long as you speak softly and don't blame, whine, attack or criticise. You know how when your WAS is in alien mode and you just wish they could really hear you and take on board what you're saying? Well, it's happening to us now. Finally. We are talking and working together, as H says "we'll be OK, we're in this together". My individual C sessions - my word it's coming up from my childhood. Not much I feel like saying on this for the time being, just if anyone has kids out there try to get some time with them and make them feel important once in a while. Anyway - just wanted to update and say it's going well, I have learnt a new way of negotiation with H and he's accepted that it's the new me. He's also accepting that there are things in him he wants to change, he recognises that he contributed to our problems too. We are back on planet Earth and enjoying it. DB does work, but it needed SO MUCH MORE patience than I ever thought possible for one person to have!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
How long did it take before H was telling you he was in it? H doesn't say that, doesn't say he's committed, doesn't say ILY, but all of his actions and comments communicate that message. Just wondering.
Sounds like things are going well for you!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
We-el, he recomitted when I nearly became a WAW. I had seen that things between us were good, but he still wasn't saying anything. I felt like "what more do I have to do here?" and started to feel that if I couldn't coax it out of him by my actions then it couldn't be done. I was a WAW for about 24 hours - I had the planning done. I decided to give it a shot before coming out and leaving. If H had said he was still in ILYBINILWY then I probably would have thought about leaving properly. However, he did want to recommit and we are still in talking stage. Things are good, we're very close and he's being far more attentive and I've found a better way to disucss my complaints in the R without blaming or attacking him. Today he has even promised to start reading DR and he is going to give me his thoughts tonight! He has started to realise that the things he does had an impact on our problems, and that he will have to make changes (for example, his conflict avoidance and his unwillingness to go outside of his comfort zone). Only time will tell if we can rebuild OK, but HE is the one who keeps saying "we will be allright". It's a bit of a tricky one cos at first I felt like opening the floodgates but then I remembered my patience - we can tackle this slowly and carefully. So, to sum up, he didn't just recommit I got to the end of my patience. But he is someone who doesn't like to rock the boat so DB'ing worked for him - I was happy so he didn't need to make any changes. Now the DB'ing has to change slightly. I'm keeping an eye that I don't push him too much, part of the reason I'm still here. But I'm much calmer than before, it's just that the "second honeymoon" I was expecting - you know, WAS recommits, violins start playing, fireworks go off and they fall happily into each others' arms - hasn't yet happened. We're still wary and learning, but it feels much better. Rather than giddy with happiness I'm warm with hope. So - that's where I am. I don't know how it will be for you guys when your WAS's recommit (which I'm sure they will). Maybe it's a little embarrassing for them "Hey Honey you know I walked out on you well I messed up". I know my H would like to forget the past. SD I think your H is a lot like mine - you may need to give him a little push when the time is right. Mine recommited when he realised he might lose me. I'm not sure, we still haven't discussed this but when I became a WAS it seems to me that it really shook him. So - the DB way would be to GAL GAL GAL but invite them along. If they say no their loss. They might just realise that one day you might just GAL your way out of the door. But DON'T make an empty threat - mine wasn't. I didn't become a WAS to make H come back to me. Does this make any sense?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
H has read part of DR and is going to finish it!!! Quotes from a former WAS: "Things get complicated cos people make it that way" "There's no sense in doing the blaming thing" "communication is really important. I'm not going to let things slide anymore" He says a lot of it makes sense and he's going to read the rest cos he WANTS to. Now we are going out for a pub dinner. No more Big Talk for us tonight, I'm aiming to make it a light, relaxing and fun thing. We haven't gone out for a meal together in yonks (more 180's). Thank you for listeing - I rambled a bit earlier, that was brain streaming straight into post.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
It was a good night, the place we went to was lovely, old fashioned country pub, good food. No R talk at all. Good things: H talking about decorating the house. This time last year he wanted to sell it! Bad things: I still don't get an automatic ILY. Now, H says he doesn't feel uncomfortable saying it and he does mean it (he certainly looks like he does) so maybe he's just got out of the habit? I'm trying not to focus on it, I know you will all say to me "patience" so that is what I'll give it. I don't say ILY much either, maybe a habit thing we BOTH need to redevelop. But that is only ONE tiny negative in a lot of positives. All in all a GREAT night!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
